Senator John Cornyn & Hatch The Mormon

1. On Friday, Michigan authorities discovered over 100 dogs living in the home of a mentally disabled man where living conditions were described as filthy and disastrous. Police were again shocked to discover nearly 150 deceased dogs in the man's basement freezer. "I don't know what to say," said the ill man, embarrassed. "If I had known their was company I would have put one in the fridge to thaw for later."

2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.

3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.

4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."

5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"

High five.