2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
