Tony Romo & Gosselin Reproduction

I apologize for no jokes on Thursday or Friday. Some might request a similar apology be included in every post. Rimshot. Oh, YOU. Too much. Anyway, I'm back on track. Prepare for hilarity...

*****

1. A new study released by Keele University in England suggests that swearing actually helps ease pain. Scientists believe that cursing triggers a "fight or flight" response in your brain, better preparing your body. Hear that parents? So feel better about slapping your foul-mouthed kids.

2. Sources are reporting that football player Tony Romo has dumped singer Jessica Simpson just a day before her 29th birthday. The Cowboys quarterback says he wants to return to normal when he only ruined happy moments on the football field.

3. The concert merchandise that was set to be sold during Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour will still be sold says the merchandising company. The merch ranges from mugs and t-shirts to belt buckles and replica varsity style Thriller jackets. Originally items were emblazoned with the tour's title, "This Is It," but that has since been amended with "...Unless You Wanna Buy More!"

4. Today, the first day of the hearings concerning Supreme Court nomination Sonia Sotomayor got underway. All senators recognized the extreme likelihood that Sotomayor will be confirmed. "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed," said Republican Lindsey Graham. The senator then followed Republican protocol by having an affair with Sotomayor.

5. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was with a new girlfriend in France this week, only a month after filing for divorce from wife Kate. Jon and girlfriend Hailey Glassman were spotted shopping and holding hands. Glassman however was unaware that Gosselin reproduced via mere touch and is currently expecting 27 children.

High five.

Michael Jackson & Strip Searches

1. The White House announced today that President Obama would nominate former Bush administration official Meredith Attwell Baker to a Republican seat on the FCC. Meanwhile, Meredith Vieira remains optimistic that Obama will honor her request to be Secretary of Dimly Lit Game Show Stages.


2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."

3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.

4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.

5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.

High five.