Karl Rove & Astronaut Undies

1. A Chicago company is making diamonds out of a lock of Michael Jackson's hair. LifeGem says they heat the hair up to 5,400 degrees, reduce it to carbon and then use the carbon to produce diamonds. Ten diamonds will be made and customers will be able to mount the stones however they wish, though the CEO acknowledges that using them to make jewelry for children would kind of creep him out.

2. Scientists at Oxford University say they have created another state of matter aside from the classic solid, liquid, and gas states. Researchers achieved the state, which they call "transparent aluminum," by focusing a high energy laser on a slice of aluminum. At that temperature the aluminum appeared transparent for approximately 40 quadrillionths of a second. But, the scientists add, when you're aiming the laser at the aluminum walls of a women's public shower, it's the "best 40 quadrillionths of a second ever!"

3. On Thursday, President Obama and VP Biden mediated between black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and white Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley a week after the two were involved in a racially charged arrest incident. The four chatted over beer and talked of moving forward. Yes, because nothing raises the level of discourse and squashes ignorance like injecting alcohol into a conversation.

4. Yesterday, former top White House advisor Karl Rove finished two days of testimony in front of House Judiciary Committee investigators concerning the removal of certain U.S. prosecutors. Rove maintains that he played only a small role in the prosecutor firings. Rove then retreated to his bunker in Berlin where he shot himself.

5. Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata will be returning to Earth on Friday wearing the same hi-tech underwear he's had on for the last month. The experimental undies designed in Japan specifically for space travel are said to be completely odor free. Other astronauts aboard the station were unaware of the experiment saying they had no idea anything was different, except of course for Wakata's month-old, 20 pound, garbage bag-sized ass.

High five.

No-Hitters & Roethlisberger's Imperfect Game

1. A government source reports that Osama bin Laden's son, Saad bin Laden, may have been killed during an airstrike in Pakistan. However, U.S. officials warn that it's difficult to be certain, and besides there are still over 300 sons to go.

2. It was revealed today that white Cambridge Sgt. James Crowley, who mistakenly arrested black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates last week, is actually a police expert on racial profiling. Crowley says he just wants to move past all this and get back to training for his life long dream of playing center for the Boston Celtics.

3. On Thursday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw the 18th perfect game no-hitter in MLB history. In honor of the no-hitter, Sox fans returned to their trailers and ceremoniously waited 18 minutes before their next domestic disturbance.

4. This morning FBI agents made the rounds in New Jersey to arrest more than 44 people on charges of corruption and money laundering, including mayors, religious leaders, and assemblymen. The extensive corruption investigation is one of the largest in the state's history, or as locals are calling it, "Thursday."

5. Ben Roethlisberger is denying allegations from a Lake Tahoe casino hostess who says the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback raped her. In a statement released today, Roethlisberger called the charges reckless and false. "Not that I haven't had my share of tight ends, if you know what I'm saying!" added Roethlisberger, throwing up a high five.

High five.