Mickey Rourke & Fat Kids

1. In a win against the Colorado Rockies Monday, Arizona Diamondbacks switch-hitters Tony Clark and Felipe Lopez each homered from both sides of the plate, the first time it had ever occurred on opening day. Upon hearing the news, Lindsay Lohan shrugged, "It's been done."

2. On Sunday, oscar-nominated actor Mickey Rourke fought in a WWE match against Chris Jericho, knocking out the professional wrestler, much to the crowds delight. When asked later how it felt to beat Jericho, Rourke looked confused. "Jericho?" he said. "That wasn't a hooker?"

3. Michael Jordan was elected into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. Jordan is bittersweet with the news, acknowledging the honor but saying it unfortunately means his basketball career is "completely over." Jordan, however, wasted no time in announcing a new hobby which he says will provide plenty of challenges: marital fidelity.

4. A recent New York Times/CBS poll shows that Americans have become more optimistic about the economy since President Obama took office. The complete Times story was unavailable, however, since the unemployed hobo using the newspaper for a blanket had turned over, obscuring my view.

5. A new study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that 1 in 5 American 4-year-olds is obese. Researchers say it's important to keep that in mind for the future when America's dance floors are dominated by the "Truffle Shuffle."

High five.