Tony Bennett & Genetics

1. Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced that he will retire this summer, leaving President Obama open for his first Supreme Court nomination. Many analysts believe Obama is likely to pick a woman, and regardless of which woman, one thing can be sure, Clarence Thomas will have a pubic hair ready and waiting.

2. The Chicago Bulls beat the Boston Celtics in triple overtime in game 6 of what many believe to be one of the most thrilling playoff series in NBA history. Boston fans became drunk and rioted in the streets until realizing their team actually lost. The rioting continued.

3. A new study led by a University of Pennsylvania geneticist reveals that Africa is more genetically diverse than the rest of the world combined. Upon hearing the news, the Grand Dragon/Wizard/Skeletor of the KKK said, "See the White race is the pure race! They probably don't even know all their relatives, while I can easily recall all mine, as well as the children fathered with them."

4. An AP study shows that CEO pay fell about 7% in 2008, making the average CEO pay package $7.6 million. On an even sadder note, reports have surfaced that CEO's are now settling for coked-out sluts rather than their usual luxurious, designer drug whores.

5. Tony Bennett was in New Orleans this week to hand out nearly $100,000 is jazz instruments to students from a charter school founded post-Hurricane Katrina. Bennett eventually laid out each instrument one by one onto a table. However, he was at first confused with the situation until an assistant leaned in and whispered, "No, sir, not your penis."

High five.