2. The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) is trying to debunk rumors that the swine flu epidemic was the result of a laboratory accident, as some virologists contest. The W.H.O. entered the lab decorated with police tape and surveyed the scene, chalk outlines only feet away. The W.H.O. then removed its sunglasses slowly, glared hard at the forensic pathologist and said, "This was no accident."
3. The CIA denied former VP Dick Cheney's request for the release of documents which he says show the effectiveness of harsh interrogation methods. The CIA claims they cannot find the documents to which Cheney is referring. Yesterday, the former VP led CIA officials to the basement office where the documents are said to be located. However, horrified CIA officials have gone on record to say that hollowed-out terrorist carcasses written on in an imaginary Cheney language do not constitute as "documents."
4. Video game sales in April were 17% lower this year than in 2008 a market research firm reports. In an unrelated story, a Harvard medical group has released a report today showing that thousands of former video gamers are experiencing a strange bodily phenomenon. The patients are developing a contractile tissue attached to both bones and tendons that allows the body to propel itself either to produce force or to cause motion. More on this story as it occurs.
5. An ivory sculpture found in a German cave could be the oldest sculpture ever, around 35,000 years old as carbon dating shows. Archeologists believe the figure, a large woman with protruding breasts, to be the oldest sculpture of the human form. However, a spokesperson for God released a statement today, saying, "Hello? Grand Tetons?"
High five.
