2. The L.A. Dodgers' Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for the use of performance enhancing substances. Reports say Ramirez was using a woman's fertility drug, often associated with steroid use. League officials released a statement saying, "This is just the latest in a bizarre fertility drug trend." The league then added, "But now we can finally put to rest the mystery of Jose Conseco giving birth to a litter of bicep creatures."
3. Chaos ensued at KFC's across the country Wednesday after Oprah Winfrey offered a free KFC meal coupon on her website. Many restaurants ran out of food and had to turn away angry customers. Oprah had a similar incident years ago after offering a car to every member of her audience, only to see a backlash when audience members were required to pay the high income tax on the vehicle. Read all about it in next month's Starvation & Poverty Still Rampant Worldwide Quarterly.
4. Oh Thursday, President Obama presented the details of his $3.6 trillion 2010 budget, and specifically the $17 billion that he eliminated in order to cut spending. When criticized about how tiny $17 billion is compared to the enormous 1,374 page 2010 budget, Obama clicked the roof of his mouth, sighed, and changed to a 10 point Helvetica font.
5. Keifer Sutherland was charged today with headbutting a fashion designer in a nightclub on Tuesday. The fashion designer Jack McCullough says that he sustained a cut to the face after the incident. Still, McCullough is lucky, one investigator says. "We're still sorting out the bodies from a headbutting incident involving Rocky Dennis."
High five.
