1. It's been reported today that after 40 years of marriage, Al and Tipper Gore are separating. The couple insists they've simply grown apart but sources say a video has surfaced of Al Gore going down on a polar ice cap.
2. Al-Qaida announced today that their No. 3, Mustafa al-Yazid, has been killed. The al-Qaida leader was killed while doing a N0. 1, and most al-Qaida members read the news while doing a No. 2.
3. A 26 year old mixed martial artist is being accused of murdering his friend while they were under the influence of mushrooms. Jarrod Wyatt reportedly killed his friend, then tore out and cooked the man's heart in an effort to "stop the devil." Police arrived on the scene just shortly after watching it on pay-per-view.
4. A recent study has shown that a widely prescribed type of anti-depressant may be linked to cataracts in seniors. However, seniors say it's helped tremendously, as they can no longer clearly see what they were so depressed about.
5. Actor Charlie Sheen will reportedly spend 30 days in a Colorado jail after reaching a plea agreement regarding charges of assault against his wife. Unfortunately, Two and a Half Men will continue on regardless.
High five.
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