1. It was announced on Friday that famed OJ Simpson attorney Robert Shapiro will be representing Lindsay Lohan as she begins serving 90 days in jail on next week. Experts, however, frighten to imagine what "bloody" item Lohan will need to fit on her person sometime in the near future.
2. Tucker Carlson today continued his feud with MSNBC's Keith Olbermann calling Olbermann "sad" and claiming he is "despised at MSNBC." Carlson then shriveled back up into the foreskin where he lives.
3. Fox News Canada has hit a snag after being denied a "must carry" license by the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. This means that Canadians will be able to choose whether or not they want the all news channel. News analysts however say that Canadians will likely opt in for the channel and be brainwashed by it so they don't appear "too mean."
4. Glenn Beck drew a large crowd in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah on Friday to sign copies of his new book "The Overton Window." People lined up for hours to get "Glenn Beck" scribbled on the inside covers, increasing the number of words in the book they actually knew to 2.
5. Republican senator David Vitter during a recent radio appearance made a joke about MSNBC's Rachel Maddow implying that doesn't look like a women. Once on the prostitution list of a DC Madam, Vitter's expertise in this field is vast, and there were far too many women for one of them not to have been mid-operation.
High five.
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