1. After nearly 14 years, Disney's planned community, a small town called Celebration, has suffered its first homicide. Residents were initially shocked by the news but were fine once they discovered the victim had actually shot Bambi's mother.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
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