1. The ACLU today released a report showing that Walgreen's stores in Texas and Mississippi are refusing to sell the "morning after pill" to men. Store owners however say they reserve the right not to sell the contraception to men who are not accompanied by the cousin they had sex with.
2. A new report shows that over the summer quarters American corporations recorded the highest profits ever. In keeping with their role as America's deadbeat-friend-who-borrows-money-then-wins-the-lottery-and-still-never-repays-you, corporations today left a small unnoticeable-but-noticeable-to-you crack in your HD television after some playful rough housing.
3. Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart was released today. Critics say that it's easy to know all of America by heart when your "America" is the parts of the country that can be seen from Russia.
4. A new study shows that people who consume 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks daily have the best protection against heart disease. In related news, Keith Richards was today declared the healthiest man alive.
5. Texas Rangers' outfielder Josh Hamilton today won the AL's MVP award. Yes, this is the third year in a row he's won the Alcoholic League's highest honor.
High five.
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