1. On Sunday, Sarah Palin accused MSNBC's Rachel Maddow of conducting a "prejudiced" interview with Tea Party candidate Rand Paul after he made controversial statements about the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "You know, they are looking for the gotcha moment. And that evidently appears to be what they did with Rand Paul," said Palin. Paul said he hasn't been treated this badly since he was told he couldn't sit at the front of the limo.
2. According to recent comments by Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, Harpo staff members refer to the media titan by the codename "Mary" to hide Oprah's business from those that may be eavesdropping. In a related story, Heidi Montag's assistants continue to liberally use the codename "Heidi Montag."
3. On Thursday night, a Massachusetts' man was sucked into a sausage machine while working late at a sausage factory. The man was not injured by the machine, but did die later from extreme innuendo.
4. Today George Mitchell, President Obama's special envoy to the Middle East, told U.S. Jews in Washington that peace in the Middle East is possible. Audience members were delighted until Mitchell revealed his five point plan for Virgina and Maryland to finally get along.
5. At a Los Angeles court hearing on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. To help Lohan get back on track, said the judge, the SCRAM bracelet will detect any alcohol through Lohan's perspiration, must be worn at all times, and of course will regularly send upskirt pictures of her vagina to TMZ.
High five.
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