Abort!

1. Florida state senator Mike Bennett is in trouble this week after cameras caught him looking at pornography during a live debate on abortion. The Christian politician says he closed the email immediately and was surprised at what he saw, but not quite as surprised as experts who assumed it'd be gay porn.

2. Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow church-goers to carry guns into churches. Many conservatives see this as a win for both religious and gun rights, but mostly they're just looking to get even with the people who shot Jesus' hands and feet.

3. A man from Sichaun, China has died after a friend reportedly inserted an eel into his rectum "as a joke." The eel caused major damage to the man's intestines. Doctors said the man died from internal bleeding, and also "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

4. On Monday, Glenn Beck trashed the idea of Mother's Day, calling it a business scam started by Woodrow Wilson. Beck says he loves the person who gave birth to him but feels awkward sending a Vermont Teddy Bear to Rupert Murdoch's asshole.

5. A Los Angeles woman who was arrested for stabbing four people at a Target was said to have been distressed after losing custody of her daughter. A reporter asked the woman why she lost custody of her daughter... and the reporter was stabbed repeatedly.

High five.