America's Penis & China's Vaginas

1. For the first time since WWII, Florida is actually losing residents. From 2008 to 2009, 58,000 people left the Sunshine state in what is the first net loss of residents in 63 years. Analysts contend that the exodus is due to increasing property taxes, a higher cost of living, and falling incomes. Those factors may play a role, but I think mainly Floridians finally realized they were living in America's penis.

2. Chinese officials are trying to downplay reports that the country will reduce its export of rare earths, materials used all over the world in batteries, mobile phones, and superconductors. "China, as a responsible big country, will not go back and will not take the road of closing the door," said Wang Caifeng, deputy minister-general at the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology. "Now," added Wang, "if we could only close the door on those vaginas!"

3. On September 6th, a Vancouver stuntman will attempt a world record by setting himself on fire for 2 minutes and 39 seconds. Colin Decker will be covered in a flame retardant gel-like substance that reportedly acts like an asbestos suit and then will be set ablaze. "Oh, you want me to put on this suit made of asbestos and light myself on fire for two and a half minutes? Awesome." The service on September 7th will be closed casket to deter pesky neighbors from dropping by to see what's on the grill.

4. A 61 year old Georgia man is being charged with felony child cruelty for slapping a crying two year old in an Atlanta Walmart after her mother wouldn't quiet her. An annoyed Roger Stephens approached the child, slapped her repeatedly, and then told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Footing the bill for Stephens' legal defense? Anyone who has ever been to a Walmart.

5. Doctors believe they have finally discovered why 16 year old Calvino Inman cries blood, often for up to 15 minutes at a time. The diagnosis came after years of study and baffling frustration from numerous physicians. On Tuesday, while appearing on CBS's The Early Show, a doctor confirmed that Inman suffers from being a big pussy.

High five.