Indian Monkeys & Paralyzed Rats

1. On Saturday, federal investigators arrested an airline shuttle driver in connection to an alleged terror plot. While 24 year old shuttle driver Najibullah Zazi denies any wrong doing, authorities did find bomb-making notes in the suspect's handwriting. But the most damning evidence, say investigators, is that his name is totally unpronounceable.

2. Last Friday, while speaking at a summit, Missouri Representative Roy Blunt made what some believe to be a racism-tinged joke about monkeys. Blunt likened imperial British agents contending with monkeys on a golf course in India to the situation in Washington today. "You have to play the ball where the monkey throws it," added Blunt. In Blunt's defense, those Indian monkeys were crossing the border illegally to get free health insurance.

3. Michael Swartz, chief of staff for Republican Senator Tom Coburn, said Saturday during a panel discussion that "all pornography is homosexual pornography because it turns your sexual drive inwards." Swartz added, "If you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to go out and get a copy of Playboy? He’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants." True, that is the last thing he wants, with the first being a real woman to have crazy bunny rabbit sex with.

4. President Obama visited David Letterman on Monday and tried to make light of the racism allegations aimed at anti-Obama protesters. "I was actually black before the election," joked Obama. The statement shocked many racist conservatives who had no idea the president was black, having gone blind masturbating to Sarah Palin.

5. A new experiment published this week in Nature Neuroscience shows that through drug therapy, exercise, and electrical stimulation, scientists were able to make rats with spinal cord injuries walk again. Researchers say the findings could have a huge impact on the future of human paralysis treatments. Scientists are setting up new experiments for transforming humans into rats.

High five.