1. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted to a second term by the Senate on Thursday by a vote of 70-30, the closest in history. See, kids, just like that fireworks factory owner told you, sometimes just not killing everyone in a massive explosion can get you employee of the month!
2. On Thursday, renowned and famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger died in his home of natural causes. The author's wake will be held Saturday at noon and the public is welcome to mind their own god-damned business while his heirs load a shotgun on the front porch.
3. Wal-Mart announced Thursday that it would be reorganizing their U.S. operations, allowing each region of the country to better connect with their customers. Because nothing is worse than mistaking the hometown region of the guy wearing camouflage assless chaps with the hometown region of the girl wearing a denim bikini bottom and 300 extra pounds.
4. Newly elected Senator Scott Brown said during an interview Thursday that he won't always be siding with Republicans. "I already told them," said Brown, "there'll be issues when I'll be with you and there are issues when I won't be with you." In future news, Scott Brown died after authorities say he bound his own hands and shot himself in the back in what Republicans are calling a tragic self-assisted suicide.
5. Nintendo's CEO Satoru Iwata said recently in an interview that while he welcomes 3D films like Avatar he doesn't think 3D gaming will ever catch on. "I have doubts whether people will be wearing glasses to play games at home. How is that going to look to other people?" said Iwata. The Nintendo CEO then purchased Hello Kitty girl panties from a vending machine.
High five.
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