1. Last week, Glenn Beck told his listeners that President Obama will nominate a "gay-handicapped-black woman who's an immigrant" just to energize his base and make it tougher for critics to oppose. "They can't [get people back into their camp] without hatred and fear," said Beck. Beck then cut to an ad from his new sponsor, "Riot Inciter," the cologne for men who love America so much harder than they love you.
2. This week when asked if Kate Gosselin would ever be featured on the cover of Playboy, Hugh Hefner gave an emphatic "no," adding that he doesn't even know why she's on Dancing With the Stars. In other news, today Jon Gosselin was turned down for the cover of Little Debbie Weekly.
3. A 23 year old is accusing actor Steven Seagal of "sex trafficking" after being hired as an executive assistant only to find that she was expected to be a sex slave for him along with two other Russian women. Seagal's lawyer says the women is absurdly misrepresenting the reality of the situation. "I mean," said the lawyer, "I would hardly call him an actor."
4. MTV has asked the local police department for 8 to 10 off-duty officers for the house of the show Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights out of fear that people will want to fight the cast. MTV will pick up the tab on the security surrounding the residence. In future news, the cast of the Jersey Shore is dead today after killing each other over the last remaining bit of hair product.
5. More olive oil, nuts, fish, poultry and certain fruits and vegetables in your diet may help fight off Alzheimer's disease, says a new report. Researchers at the University of Columbia in New York said Monday that patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't. Not only that, but patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't.
High five.
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