1. President Obama and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin have been sniping this week over the recent nuclear treaty with Russia. Obama called Palin "not much of an expert" after Palin said Obama was weak on nuclear defense. Palin then mocked the President, joking about "all the vast nuclear experience that he acquired as a community organizer." President Obama read Palin's comment this morning, sighed, then heated his coffee using the superpower he acquired during the tragic community organizer nuclear waste accident of 2002.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
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