Jesus In Tha House & Army Of One-ing For Two

1. U.S. and Canadian researchers have discovered what facial measurements people consider the most attractive. In a series of experiments, participants were shown various photos of female faces, and all participants chose faces that fit a golden ratio, the optimum distance from the hairline to the top of the mouth and the horizontal distance between the eyes. However, researchers say there are "easy ways to trick beholders into thinking a woman's face is maximally attractive." For instance, boobs.

2. With the votes all but shored up in the senate, President Obama is praising the health care bill as it comes closer to passing. Obama cheered the health care bill adding that it will make a "tremendous difference for families, for seniors, for businesses and for the country as a whole." When asked if he would sign the bill when it came to his desk, Obama said, "Oh yeah, I'll totally sign whatever it is that this thing does."

3. Archaeologists in the city of Nazareth, Jerusalem have uncovered a house that appears to be from the era of Jesus Christ. Scientists believe the house was lived in by Jews based on the presence of chalk which Jewish households of that time used to maintain purity of food and water. Also indicative of the time period was a kid's JWA poster which read, "Fuck tha Romans!"

4. On Monday, U.S. General Anthony Cucolo in Iraq said that soldiers who get pregnant or impregnate a fellow soldier may face court-martial. "Anyone who leaves this fight earlier than the expected 12-month deployment creates a burden on their teammates," says Cucolo. So, remember that, guys. You're not just screwing a female soldier, you're screwing America.

5. In his new book, a professor at Duquesne University Law School says that Osama Bin Laden once tried to have former President Bill Clinton assassinated during an economic forum in the Philippines. The story has never before been reported but was recounted by a former director of the Secret Service. Unfortunately for Bin Laden, none of his assassins could get close enough to Clinton, which is why Bin Laden terrorist schools now include blow job classes.

High five.