Perez Hilton & Other Canzerous Colons

1. Radio host and Fox News personality Glenn Beck is being criticized by some as having a conflict of interest over one of his sponsors. Critics say Beck regularly touts the advantages of the gold market but fails to mention that he is a paid spokesman for precious metals vendor Goldline International. Not only that, but a recent investigation has revealed a second conflict of interest, that Beck is also employed by Fake Patriotic Douche Corporation of America.

2. A 20 year old Virginia community college student was arrested Tuesday after opening fire in a classroom using a high powered rifle, though no one was injured. Police have not yet revealed the shooter's motive, but say he was very upset and kept referring to himself as a loser. I don't know, bringing a gun to school and everyone leaving unharmed? What a loser.

3. A new report estimates that colon cancer deaths could drop dramatically in the next decade thanks to better screening and treatment. The American Cancer Society says colon cancer has already dropped 20% in the last decade and that the end of the world in 2012 should get rid of a lot of assholes.

4. Perez Hilton is in a verbal spat with local Los Angeles morning show KTLA after a scheduling conflict caused Hilton to storm out and cancel his guest appearance. Anchor Sam Rubin explained his version of events on-air before referring to Hilton as a "talentless dope." Please, Mr. Rubin, there's a classier way to do this: Ms. Talentless Dope.

5. Joshua S. Trevino, co-founder of RedState.com and former Bush speechwriter has identified an anachronistic mistake in the show Mad Men. Trevino points out that certain books shown on shelves during scenes of the AMC drama were published decades after the time when the show is set. But then again, that's just the factual and thorough nature you come to expect from George W. Bush speechwriters.

High five.