Tiger Woods Still Ahead & Toby Keith Still An Ass

1. On Wednesday, Tiger Woods was voted the top athlete of the decade, beating talents such as Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. Woods' 56 PGA Tour victories in this decade are more than the greatest golfers have won in their entire career. Still, many critics believe the results have been skewed by having just female porn stars vote.

2. This week, Detroit's mayor is reporting that the city's unemployment is close to a shocking 50%. City leaders say officially the unemployment is at 30%, but that the Bureau of Labor Statistics does not include part time workers seeking full time or people who have given up job searching all together. Mayor Dave Bing also adds that the figure shoots up to 70% if you include those in Eminem's posse.

3. Toby Keith is being criticized for making a racist gesture during a Nobel Peace Prize concert in Norway where he performed the song Rapper's Delight with Will Smith. When the two got to the word "yellow" in the lyrics, Keith was seen pulling his eyes back. In related news, this story's original reporter accidentally included the phrases "Nobel Peace Prize" and "Toby Keith" in the same sentence causing her head to explode.

4. On Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, cast members from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" recreated the story of Christmas, acting as the three wise men. Visiting the stable where Jesus was lying, the three brought with them gold, frankincense, and embarrassing sadness.

5. On Saturday, an elderly couple, after being together for nearly 59 years, died just moments apart in their Florida nursing home. Lolie Bracken passed away early in the afternoon and her husband James a mere minutes later. When nurses discovered James had died, they found an open journal near him which read, "At long last! Sweet bachelor freed--"

High five.