Out Of Brown & Not Out Of Woods

1. Author Stephen King and his wife will donate $13,000 so that 150 soldiers from Maine's National Guard, stationed in Indiana, can take a bus home for the holidays. The bus ride will be split into an 8 part series, take over 2 months to complete, and at some point feature a man-child.

2. 98 year old Massachusetts woman Laura Lundquist is being indicted in the killing of her 100 year old nursing home roommate. Elizabeth Barrow was found dead with a plastic bag tied around her head on September 24. Authorities believe Lundquist may have been under the influence of something, given the unsnorted lines of Metamucil on their coffee table.

3. Global consulting firm Accenture Ltd. has decided to end its relationship with Tiger Woods in the wake of a media storm concerning Woods' marital infidelity. Accenture recently featured Woods in an ad with the slogan, "The road to high performance isn't always paved." Of course, most girls now know that Woods performs much better when they are unpaved.

4. Anger management's prize pupil Chris Brown unloaded on retailers who wouldn't stock his new CD Graffiti. "JUST WAS AT WALMART in wallingford, CT... they didn't even have my album in the back... not on shelves, saw for myself," said Brown via Twitter. Walmart was seen recently with a bruise under one eye, and nude pictures of the retail chain are circulating the web.

5. On Oprah's special Christmas at the White House, when asked what grade he would give himself, Obama said he would grade what he's done so far with a B+. Oprah then checked to make sure that the B had not been changed from an F, adding, "Like a previous President who shall go unnamed."

High five.