Oprah Guest Vanity & Apologetic Hannity

1. On Wednesday, CNN host Lou Dobbs announced on his show that he would be quitting his job at the network. Dobbs said he's looking forward to standing up for causes and doing more advocacy journalism. Dobbs' body then slumped forward, whirred silent, and the four Mexicans operating his hollow steel body were at long last liberated.

2. On Wednesday's show, Sean Hannity admitted to using misleading footage of an anti-health care protest, even apologizing to Jon Stewart who made the discovery. Hannity used footage of an earlier protest, making the recent anti-health care protest look better attended. "Mr. Stewart, you were right. We apologize," said Hannity. Hannity tried to climb back into his own asshole before his head exploded but was unsuccessful.

3. According to a new study produced by two Harvard medical researchers, 2,266 veterans died last year because they lacked proper health care. That figure is 14 times higher than the number of deaths in Afghanistan in 2008. "Lack of health care is killing off our veterans," says one health care opponent. "What better way to fight those numbers than by starting more wars and creating more veterans?"

4. Yesterday, Oprah interviewed the woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee in February, even showing her extremely disfigured face. The woman, Charla Nash, lost her upper jaw, nose, hands and both eyes because of the incident. When Oprah asked Nash what was going through her head when the chimpanzee began attacking her, Nash replied, "Oh, mostly, 'OW !OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!'"

5. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his people today that he believes the key to the country's future is modernization. Medvedev said the days where Russians carried wheelbarrows full of money to the grocery store are gone and "we need to move forward." Medvedev then introduced new and improved Capitalist brand wheelbarrows.

High five.