More Money & Less Cancer

1. It's been reported that Vernita Lee, Oprah's mom, has settled a lawsuit with Valentina, a high-end boutique where she racked up more than $150K in unpaid purchases. Lee said in her testimony that she couldn't afford to pay the huge bill, but later was able to dig it out of Oprah's bedroom change jar.

2. Last week, the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, began to accelerate proton beams as part of a preliminary test. The beams traveled around the 17-mile structure 11,000 times a second. Though Hadron Collider scientists agree, it's still not nearly equal to the speed at which girls don't date them.

3. A woman in England suffering from terminal breast cancer reportedly went on an $80,000 shopping spree, only to be told later that she was going to live. Breasts: since the dawn of the Wonder Bra, it's just one let-down after another.

4. According to a study published on Sunday in the journal Nature Materials, nanodiscs made of iron-nickel alloy and only a millionth of a meter in diameter could be used to kill cancer cells. The discs move when subjected to a magnetic field and scientists say they could disrupt cancer cell membranes, causing them to self-destruct. Today a truckload of nanodiscs were dumped on Sean Hannity's lawn.

5. On Friday the U.S. Treasury and Federal Reserve delayed activating an Internet gambling payment ban to help clear up confusion over what constitutes illegal practices. Critics complain that the original bill is unclear, relying on preexisting state and federal laws, even ones as old as the Interstate Horseracing Act of 1978. This of course was followed tragically by the Interstate Glue Act of 1979.

High five.