Stabbing Yourself, Reporting Yourself & Rihanna Herself

1. A Colorado man reportedly stabbed himself in the leg this past week because he didn't want to work his job at Blockbuster. Aaron Seibers, 29, made up a story about being attacked by a group of skinheads, but surveillance footage checked by investigators showed no such attack and Seibers then confessed to stabbing himself. Oh, skinheads... hated even in the world of make-believe.

2. Scientists say that a giant rift in the Ethiopian desert, nearly 35 miles long, will eventually become an ocean. The massive crack, which began in 2005 after a volcanic eruption, is identical to rifts that form on ocean floors, say researchers. This replaces the previous prevailing hypothesis which was disproved when Dick Cheney pulled up his pants.

3. A new study of more than 1,000 patients found that the obese and elderly are more likely to die if they contract H1N1 than are other demographics. When asked why this is, scientist point out that the elderly are often afraid of doctor visits while the obese are afraid to call the crane company.

4. In an interview featured in the current issue of Glamour, Rihanna says that her new album, entitled Rated R, is "super fearless -- which is exactly how I feel right now." In future news, Rihanna's ex-boyfriend Chris Brown's recent stint in prison has been rated X.

5. On Tuesday, a Wisconsin woman called 911 and reported herself to local police as a drunk driver. The dispatcher instructed the woman to pull over and she was soon picked up by police. Authorities arriving at the scene said they weren't sure whether or not to believe the woman since she was "so fucking drunk."

High five.