Classy Guy & Sickly Girl

1. A St. Louis school employee was fired this week after it was learned that he had posted a vulgar one word comment in regards to a St. Louis Post-Dispatch website article. The article asked readers about the craziest thing they had ever eaten, and the school employee responded with a one word expletive referring to female genitalia. Fortunately for the unemployed man he quickly found a new job at Classy Guy Magazine.

2. Sarah Palin kicked off her Going Rogue book tour today in Grand Rapids, MI, in front of thousands eager to meet the former Alaskan governor. Many in line praised Palin for her down-to-Earth attitude. "She could be your next door neighbor," said 72 year old Rachel Baragar. "I'd vote for her in a heartbeat." In other news, my next door neighbor -- a fifty year old owner of 17 cats who's pastimes include whiskey and opened bath robes -- would also like to toss her hat into the presidential ring.

3. JP Morgan Chase is setting up a charity program through Facebook that allows users to nominate smaller and lesser known charities for a portion of $5 million the company is giving away. On December 11th, the top 100 charities with the most votes will receive a check from Chase of $25,000. As a Chase customer I would like to nominate The Church of Andy's Overdraft Fees & Latter Day Charges.

4. Nicole Ritchie is being treated for pneumonia after checking herself into a Los Angeles hospital Wednesday. The actress is reportedly doing well, though Doctors were surprised by the diagnosis. "It was odd," recalled one doctor. "Usually Ms. Ritchie is being treated for whore."

5. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he was thinking of ways to tighten the MLB playoff schedule next year. The move comes after so many criticized the 20 days it took the Yankees and Angels to play just 8 games. "They're right," said Selig of the critics. "We're going to try to get the Yankees in there quicker next year."

High five.