Hadron Collider & Hard-On Inside Her

1. This week, former governor Mike Huckabee called "knee-jerk" GOP attacks on President Obama shameful and deplorable. Huckabee added that critics should stop "finding everything wrong and nothing right about the man as a man." This is reminiscent of a similar stance Huckabee took during Bill Clinton's presidency, though the phrase then was "knee burns."

2. In Spain, a group of bulls got loose on the set of the new Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz film "Knight & Day," injuring two people. The local government suspended filming when Tom Cruise's "science magic" did not stop the charging bulls.

3. After nearly a year's worth of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider was successfully restarted much to the delight of scientists involved. The $10 billion machine was created to help answer important questions about the Big Bang. A spokesperson did say however that it will not answer any questions concerning the three-way in the Hadron Collider bathroom, now touted as the "Bigger Bang."

4. RNC member James Bopp Jr. has begun circulating a resolution aimed at establishing a criteria by which someone would be considered part of the GOP, and therefore eligible for Republican backing. The list of 10 items includes strict conservative stances on the defense of marriage, the protection of the unborn, and the support of all things market-based. This is actually the second draft, the first also covering regular tune-ups at the robot store.

5. In a recent interview with Spin magazine, Creed's Scott Stapp defended the sex tape that was released in 2006 featuring him and Kid Rock receiving oral sex from groupies. "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks," said Stapp. Stapp then concluded the interview, having finally reached the front of the soup kitchen line.

High five.