Bloody Apocalypse & Sunshine Cupcakes

1. A new study shows that 36% of people under 35 years old tweet, text or check Facebook right after sex. The survey also finds that after sex guys are twice as likely as girls to use one of these social media outlets. See 827 Facebook friends? Further supporting evidence for my updates, countering your silly loser virgin claims!

2. A California judge is refusing to dismiss a lawsuit against Proposition 8, the state referendum which bans same sex marriage, after defense lawyers could not explain how same-sex marriage undermines male-female marriage. 52% of Californians voted to enact the referendum in the November elections. Of course, 100% of them are totally gay.

3. On Wednesday the stock market closed above 10,000 for the first time in a year. The long term rally is part of a 53% rebound since March and may indicate a more optimistic market. Also up this week: the Angel-Scented Rainbow Index, the Pretty Butterfly 500, and Sunshine Cupcake Derivatives.

4. Recent AP analysis of health insurance company ads have shown them to contain significantly misleading facts and figures. The Associated Press said that "the insurance industry uses facts selectively and mixes accurate assertions with misleading spin and an embrace of worst-case scenarios." Today a spokesperson for the health insurance companies replied to the allegations saying, "How is the AP going to help you in the horrifically bloody apocalypse likely to occur if this health care bill passes?"

5. Recent data in a National Assessment of Educational Progress report shows that the nation's 8th graders improved slightly while 4th graders test scores remained flat. "While the scores for eighth graders in math continue to be encouraging, the failure of our fourth graders to make progress nationally is a cause for concern," said David Driscoll, chair of the National Assessment Governing Board. Still, experts agree there is no cause for concern as 12th graders are dead to us all anyway.

High five.