Phantom Prostate & Hungry Sanchez

1. Huffington Post reported today that Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on tape eating a hot dog during his game against the Raiders on Sunday. Sanchez later apologized saying he felt "a little queasy" and needed to eat something. In a related story, Mark Sanchez's lungs provided his blood with sweet, life-sustaining oxygen for the 8,385th straight day.

2. It was reported Monday that famed composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. A spokesperson for Webber says he is getting treatment and is expecting to be back to work by the end of the year. Still that may not calm the thousands of upset fans who mistakenly tried to find tickets for the new musical Andrew Lloyd Webber's Prostate Cancer.

3. A new study published in the magazine Nature Geoscience suggests there may be a massive pool of magma collected under the state of Washington. Scientists say that while there is no foreseeable hazard, the pool could be supplying magma to the three active volcanoes in the region -- Mount St. Helens, Mount Rainier and Mount Adams. Still, say geologists, this is preferable to the massive pool of shit under Washington, D.C.

4. On Monday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that the health care bill he is bringing to the senate floor will include an opt-out public option. The opt-out clause is of course in reference to a state's choice to participate in the government health care option, and not a push by lawmakers to force the elderly towards the "final opt-out," as suggested by handlebar mustached Republican Senator from West Virginia Scarington McSpookhaunt.

5. A Scientologist spokesperson reportedly walked out of a Nightline interview after being asked about former members and the oddity of his practice. Spokesperson Tommy Davis later apologized, saying that he does get irritated when people write Scientology off as goofy, but that that wasn't the reason he left. "I wasn't angry," said Davis. "I just had to run an urgent soul errand for Xenu."

High five.