"Lesbianic" Children & Satan: Liberal

1. A new Senate tax bill has critics up in arms as they say it will allow more companies a tax loophole and cost the American people billions. The bill limits a ban on federal contracts for companies that operate mostly outside of the country allowing for the creation of tax havens. "Still," says Maine Republican Senator Susan Collins, "you have to admit this corporate loophole is better than Bush's corporate glory hole."

2. A Utah artist's polarizing painting, which depicts Jesus standing in front of a small crowd holding the Constitution, is the subject of recent political debate. Aside from beloved presidents and other noteworthy Americans, the artist shows what he calls a liberal news reporter, a college professor holding "Origin of Species," and a Hollywood actor all standing next to Satan. However, when reached for comment, the Hollywood actor said, "That's absurd, Satan doesn't even return my calls."

3. In the recent interview with Esquire Guy Ritchie calls his ex-wife Madonna "retarded." Ritchie and Madonna divorced in 2008 and have two children together. Guy Ritchie: giving humanity Swept Away and retard children!

4. Some conservatives are unhappy with the news that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is reportedly pregnant. "I don’t understand why he is allowing his daughter to take innocent children into her lesbianic home," said one web surfer. Well, don't worry, I'm sure the little tyke will escape, because as Republican science has proven, children of lesbians are born not only with eight legs but also an increased ability to find openings.

5. Scientists from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that the asteroid Apophis previously thought have a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting the Earth in 2036 is now calculated to have a 4 in a million chance. Scientists at the lab say this research Earth nearing asteroids is not meant to cause a panic but simply to remind everyone that at some point in the future, you will die.

High five.