The Gambler & The Stripper

1. New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera is under some scrutiny today after video of last night's ALCS game against the Angels appeared to show him spitting on the ball. Major League Baseball has since cleared Rivera of any wrong doing, not because he didn't spit on the ball, but because the baseball actually featured a picture of WW2 Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.

2. CNN persona Lou Dobbs is criticizing a Baltimore school's "Meatless Monday" lunch program, where once a week students eat a vegetarian lunch consisting of foods like grilled cheese and vegetarian chili. Dobbs says the program is a "political storm in the making." However, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Lou Dobbs is an enemy of vegetables and has for years taken money from the Added-Belt-Notch Lobby.

3. A man was arrested earlier this week for printing out fake $50 bills to pay a stripper for private performances at his hotel. A taxi driver called police after the man asked him to watch a roll of $50 bills that looked odd and cut unevenly. Thank you, taxi driver-who-wouldn't-drive-me-to-Staples-for-a-proper-paper-cutter.

4. A two year old Colorado girl named Aislin Bates was reportedly denied health insurance by United Healthcare Golden Rule because she didn't weigh enough. "We are unable to provide coverage for Aislin because her height and weight do not meet our company standards," wrote Golden Rule in a letter. However, in the insurance company's defense, around her daughter's conception, Aislin's mom did bang that entire helium research team.

5. Last week, the government charged Raj Rajaratnam the founder of Galleon Group with insider trading in what is the largest trading scandal involving hedge funds. Rajaratnam is a quirky billionaire who once paid Kenny Rogers $4 million to play his favorite song "The Gambler" over and over again at a birthday party. Rogers refused to go on after playing it a dozen times, but then remembered he was Kenny Rogers playing a birthday party and continued, sporting a single tear.

High five.