1. While entering the Capitol this weekend, a few Democratic legislators were the target of racial and homophobic epithets yelled by some Tea Party protesters. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) says he was actually spit on by protesters as he went to vote. Cleaver adds that it wouldn't have been so bad if the Tea Party protester hadn't just drank his own urine from his protective tin foil hat.
2. On Thursday, actress Katherine Heigl was accepting the Female Star of the Year award when the strap of her dress came undone almost exposing her breast. Fortunately for Heigl, host Billy Bush was there to catch the strap and save Heigl any embarrassment. And suddenly it becomes clear as to why his name isn't Billy Penis.
3. Fox News' Sean Hannity is being accused of scamming donors through his Freedom Alliance charity. Critics say that less than 4% of the charity's proceeds go to its targets, children of killed soldiers and wounded veterans. Hannity, author of Let Freedom Ring, Freedom Times Infinity +1 and Damn, Check Out The Set On Freedom -- So Effing Hot, could not be reached for comment at his regular Free-mail address or any other of his listed modes of Freedommunication. However, one of Hannity's signature Press Free-leases is expected shortly.
4. Just a day after a historic health care bill passed through Congress, ten states have announced a collective lawsuit against the federal government's new health care legislation. Alabama, Florida, Nebraska, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah and Washington have promised to defend their states "from further infringement by the federal government." In a ceremony today, attorney generals from the ten states signed a pact denouncing the bill, except for Alabama who merely smushed his hand on an ink pad and smeared it across the document in the vague shape of a hand print.
5. The University of Ottawa on Friday forewarned conservative pundit Ann Coulter about the limits of free speech in the country prior to her speaking engagement at the school this week. "Promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges," said the University's Vice President Francois Houle. Not wanting to seem unwelcoming, however, Houle added, "We of course have set aside special reserved parking for your broomstick."
High five.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's Not A Choi
1. Lt. Dan Choi handcuffed himself to a fence outside the White House Thursday while protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the rule under which he was discharged from military service after revealing he was gay. Choi had a large gathering of fellow protesters supporting him, until it was discovered the handcuffs were not actually part of the protest.
2. On Glenn Beck's radio program Thursday, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) joined Beck in denouncing the possibility of a health care bill vote on Sunday, calling it "an affront to God." But today God released a statement in support of health care reform after his HMO dropped him for being a pre-existing condition.
3. Orly Taitz, leader of the birther movement as well as a "dentist/lawyer," has reportedly qualified as a candidate for California Secretary of State. Experts agree that her credentials won't help her much, but add that if you're going to be only half a dentist, you're probably also going to need to be at least half a lawyer.
4. A New Jersey Wal-Mart is under fire this week after an unidentified person made a racist remark over the loudspeaker, shocking customers who then understandably left the store in disgust. Authorities checked surveillance footage but say they haven't determined if the culprit was a Wal-Mart employee or customer, as the uniforms are identical.
5. Researchers at Germany's Karlsruhe Institute of Technology announced in the journal Science Thursday that they have successfully cloaked a tiny bump in a layer of gold, "preventing its detection." The scientists say that cloaking larger items is not yet feasible, but that they're still hopeful to reach their ultimate goal of cloaking German history from 1939-1945.
High five.
2. On Glenn Beck's radio program Thursday, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) joined Beck in denouncing the possibility of a health care bill vote on Sunday, calling it "an affront to God." But today God released a statement in support of health care reform after his HMO dropped him for being a pre-existing condition.
3. Orly Taitz, leader of the birther movement as well as a "dentist/lawyer," has reportedly qualified as a candidate for California Secretary of State. Experts agree that her credentials won't help her much, but add that if you're going to be only half a dentist, you're probably also going to need to be at least half a lawyer.
4. A New Jersey Wal-Mart is under fire this week after an unidentified person made a racist remark over the loudspeaker, shocking customers who then understandably left the store in disgust. Authorities checked surveillance footage but say they haven't determined if the culprit was a Wal-Mart employee or customer, as the uniforms are identical.
5. Researchers at Germany's Karlsruhe Institute of Technology announced in the journal Science Thursday that they have successfully cloaked a tiny bump in a layer of gold, "preventing its detection." The scientists say that cloaking larger items is not yet feasible, but that they're still hopeful to reach their ultimate goal of cloaking German history from 1939-1945.
High five.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
No Carbo-Nation
1. Pepsi announced today that they will eliminate their full calorie, sugary drinks from all schools worldwide by 2012. Students everywhere agreed with the decision saying that while they enjoy Pepsi, it causes them to crash later on in the day. Well, that and all the sex with teachers.
2. Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman who currently weighs 600 pounds, says she wants to reach 1,000 pounds to become the world's fattest woman. Simpson consumes 12,000 calories a day and wears XXXXXXXL size dresses. In a future related story, Donna Simpson and her flowery dress were rolled out onto the field Saturday as the Yankee's opening day game was canceled due to rain.
3. It was announced Tuesday that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Bret Baier Wednesday in an effort to sway some opinions in a favor of his health care reform. The terms of the interview include a neutral interview location, a non-polarizing interviewer, and one extra, batshit-insane Glenn Back incident.
4. In the latest GQ Shia LeBeouf says that his girlfriend and co-star Carey Mulligan is the most talented actress he's ever met. LeBeouf continued further out onto the limb to say that Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, Ernest Hemingway was a great writer, and the idea of world peace is something he could probably get behind.
5. In a recent interview Jennifer Love Hewitt said she doesn't like being single. "Some people get excited about being single. I don't," said the 31 year old actress. Read all about it in this month's edition of Easily Solvable Problems Magazine.
High five.
2. Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman who currently weighs 600 pounds, says she wants to reach 1,000 pounds to become the world's fattest woman. Simpson consumes 12,000 calories a day and wears XXXXXXXL size dresses. In a future related story, Donna Simpson and her flowery dress were rolled out onto the field Saturday as the Yankee's opening day game was canceled due to rain.
3. It was announced Tuesday that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Bret Baier Wednesday in an effort to sway some opinions in a favor of his health care reform. The terms of the interview include a neutral interview location, a non-polarizing interviewer, and one extra, batshit-insane Glenn Back incident.
4. In the latest GQ Shia LeBeouf says that his girlfriend and co-star Carey Mulligan is the most talented actress he's ever met. LeBeouf continued further out onto the limb to say that Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, Ernest Hemingway was a great writer, and the idea of world peace is something he could probably get behind.
5. In a recent interview Jennifer Love Hewitt said she doesn't like being single. "Some people get excited about being single. I don't," said the 31 year old actress. Read all about it in this month's edition of Easily Solvable Problems Magazine.
High five.
Photo High Five #13
Iggy Pop performs during the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony Monday when his skin sees an opportune chance and finally makes a break for it.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Gobbledy-book
1. In his new book Courage and Consequence, Karl Rove defends the practice of waterboarding as a useful way to obtain information. Rove goes on to say that every suspect was inspected by a doctor to determine if he was safe and healthy. "Yes, I believe you know Dr. Mengele!"
2. A union in Amsterdam which represents Dutch nurses is saying no to patients who believe sexual services should be part of the standard care. The campaign began after a 24 year old nurse complained of a 42 year old disabled man asking her to provide sexual services that other nurses had actually performed. I guess massive, gigantor balls could become somewhat of a disability.
3. Monday on The View, Jessica Simpson discussed ex John Mayer's revealing Playboy interview about their sex life saying that now she feels like "more men are undressing [her] with their eyes." Jessica, Jessica... is it possible to have more than all?
4. President Obama traveled to Ohio on Monday with Rep. Dennis Kucinich to deliver a health care reform speech and urge lawmakers like Kucinich to pass the current measure. Kucinich had previously been opposed to the current legislation, but after the speech said he would take a closer look at the health care bill. Kucinich then fled up into his tree to finish making cookies.
5. Anna Arrowsmith, a female British porn director of over 300 adult films, is set to run for Parliament in the coming weeks as a Liberal Democrat. Arrowsmith was a reportedly a last minute selection after a previous candidate had dropped out. In future news, just weeks after being elected, Anna Arrowsmith has resigned from politics and the Parliament saying that no one should have to be exposed to this much gang-banging.
High five.
2. A union in Amsterdam which represents Dutch nurses is saying no to patients who believe sexual services should be part of the standard care. The campaign began after a 24 year old nurse complained of a 42 year old disabled man asking her to provide sexual services that other nurses had actually performed. I guess massive, gigantor balls could become somewhat of a disability.
3. Monday on The View, Jessica Simpson discussed ex John Mayer's revealing Playboy interview about their sex life saying that now she feels like "more men are undressing [her] with their eyes." Jessica, Jessica... is it possible to have more than all?
4. President Obama traveled to Ohio on Monday with Rep. Dennis Kucinich to deliver a health care reform speech and urge lawmakers like Kucinich to pass the current measure. Kucinich had previously been opposed to the current legislation, but after the speech said he would take a closer look at the health care bill. Kucinich then fled up into his tree to finish making cookies.
5. Anna Arrowsmith, a female British porn director of over 300 adult films, is set to run for Parliament in the coming weeks as a Liberal Democrat. Arrowsmith was a reportedly a last minute selection after a previous candidate had dropped out. In future news, just weeks after being elected, Anna Arrowsmith has resigned from politics and the Parliament saying that no one should have to be exposed to this much gang-banging.
High five.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Photo High Five #12
Vice President Joe Biden tells Palestinian Prime Minister Salam Fayyad that though the office of Vice President gives him little power, it does give him the power to create powerful electromagnetic fields.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Miss & Miss Issippi
1. A Mississippi school is being sued by the ACLU after they decided to cancel the prom rather than let a lesbian couple attend. "All I wanted was the same chance to enjoy my prom night like any other student," said 18 year old Constance McMillen. Officials at Itawamba High School said they have no problem with lesbians, they'd just rather not have to clean up after their slimy arthropod exoskeletons or mucus releasing tentacles.
2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to "human."
3. Michelle Bachman's re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.
4. On Thursday, Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour called the "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour" which would start April 12th. O'Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.
5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
High five.
2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to "human."
3. Michelle Bachman's re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.
4. On Thursday, Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour called the "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour" which would start April 12th. O'Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.
5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
High five.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
He Haim, He Saw, He Conquered
1. 80's heartthrob Corey Haim died Wednesday at the age of 38 after reportedly suffering a drug overdose. Haim starred in hit movies such as Lucas and The Lost Boys, and a few networks have begun pre-production for a TV movie based on his life. After possessing another person's body to tryout, Haim was disappointed to find he couldn't get cast in that either.
2. Bank of America has announced that they will soon not allow debit card holders to overdraft their accounts. The move is in anticipation of new federal regulations which limit overdraft fees. But if American ingenuity has taught us anything, it's that US citizens will find new and more efficient ways to spend money they don't have.
3. The makers of Barbie announced they will be creating dolls based on characters from the show Mad Men. Characters Don Draper, his wife Betty, Roger Sterling, and office bombshell Joan Holloway will all be featured characters in the first batch. In the spirit of maintaining historical accuracy, female dolls will feature black eyes and no lip.
4. Best Buy unveiled a line of 3D televisions on Wednesday they hope will allow them to cash in on the 3D phenomenon started by James Cameron's Avatar. But analysts are unsure whether the 3D craze will really amount to anything. Still it may be a safe bet for Best Buy, because they can always tell their shareholders it looks like the customers' money is coming right at them.
5. As part of a BBC documentary, researchers ran an experiment to see if an "underwear bomb" could in fact bring a plane down, as was the plan of the unsuccessful Christmas Day bomber in Detroit last year. The researchers found that the underwear bomb would not have done any harm to the 747. The remaining passengers in line for the bathroom, however, respectfully disagreed.
High five.
2. Bank of America has announced that they will soon not allow debit card holders to overdraft their accounts. The move is in anticipation of new federal regulations which limit overdraft fees. But if American ingenuity has taught us anything, it's that US citizens will find new and more efficient ways to spend money they don't have.
3. The makers of Barbie announced they will be creating dolls based on characters from the show Mad Men. Characters Don Draper, his wife Betty, Roger Sterling, and office bombshell Joan Holloway will all be featured characters in the first batch. In the spirit of maintaining historical accuracy, female dolls will feature black eyes and no lip.
4. Best Buy unveiled a line of 3D televisions on Wednesday they hope will allow them to cash in on the 3D phenomenon started by James Cameron's Avatar. But analysts are unsure whether the 3D craze will really amount to anything. Still it may be a safe bet for Best Buy, because they can always tell their shareholders it looks like the customers' money is coming right at them.
5. As part of a BBC documentary, researchers ran an experiment to see if an "underwear bomb" could in fact bring a plane down, as was the plan of the unsuccessful Christmas Day bomber in Detroit last year. The researchers found that the underwear bomb would not have done any harm to the 747. The remaining passengers in line for the bathroom, however, respectfully disagreed.
High five.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Harry Colon
1. It was announced Tuesday that Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith will get a colonoscopy live on the air as a way to promote early cancer screenings. CBS says the live procedure is nothing audiences aren't used to seeing, especially after millions watched James Cameron get a similar procedure during this year's Oscars.
2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.
3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. "I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.
4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade's talking baby ad featuring a "milkaholic" girl named Lindsay was a jab at her. Lohan isn't upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby's track marks weren't even on the correct arm.
5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama's State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws "very troubling." In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice. John Roberts' appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast. Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics! Slim Fast!
High five.
2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.
3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. "I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.
4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade's talking baby ad featuring a "milkaholic" girl named Lindsay was a jab at her. Lohan isn't upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby's track marks weren't even on the correct arm.
5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama's State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws "very troubling." In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice. John Roberts' appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast. Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics! Slim Fast!
High five.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Game Of Inches
1. Playgirl is reportedly offering Jon Gosselin $20,000 to pose for a nude spread in the magazine. Playgirl extended the offer saying they would pay Gosselin $10,000 "for every inch after four." In future news, Jon Gosselin owes Playgirl $80,000.
2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.
3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!
4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.
5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!
High five.
2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.
3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!
4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.
5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!
High five.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Palin Comparison
1. On Thursday, producer Mark Burnett and Sarah Palin announced they are shopping around an idea for a television show about the natural beauty of Alaska. "What it's not is a reality show following her around, getting up in the morning or her family and all the salacious stuff," said Burnett. So tune in this fall to Sarah Palin Presents: The Beauty of Alaska... as Gunned Down From a Helicopter.
2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.
3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."
4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."
5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.
High five.
2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.
3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."
4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."
5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.
High five.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
R&R For Fifty Bucks
1. Republican Representative from North Carolina Patrick McHenry introduced a bill Tuesday to remove Ulysses S. Grant from the $50 bill and add former President Ronald Reagan. So far 13 Republicans have cosponsored the measure. But historians say Reagan's face should be put on something he's more familiar with, like a trillion dollar bill.
2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.
3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.
4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.
5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.
High five.
2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.
3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.
4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.
5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.
High five.
Photo High Five #11
Kentucky Senator and grinch Jim Bunning, who last week repeatedly blocked the extension of an unemployment benefits bill, shows the senate other things he enjoys blocking, like his own ability to applaud.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Long Time Ago In A University Far, Far Astray...
1. Students at the University of Mississippi have started a movement to make Admiral Ackbar, a Mon Calamari rebel from the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi, the school's mascot. Lucasfilm studios says they're flattered by the possibility of Ackbar becoming a mascot, but that "it will be difficult for him to show up for games!" Five Jokes believes the mascot should be a vagina, as it may be a treat for some of these students to actually see one.
2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.
3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.
4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."
5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.
High five.
2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.
3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.
4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."
5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.
High five.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Bunnin' An Elevator
1. After once again objecting to an unemployment benefits extension, Senator Jim Bunning refused to speak with reporters and even raised his middle finger at ABC News as he entered a private elevator. However in Bunning's defense, during his private elevator moments, the middle finger is usually the one he crams up his own ass.
2. Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a massive granite head they believe to be the pharaoh Amenhotep III, who lived 3,400 years ago. Researchers say this is the largest and most complete stone head ever found in the area. Archaeologists are now planning a future dig to unearth the ancient Egyptian steroids responsible.
3. It was reported Monday that Kate Gosselin of Jon & Katie Plus Eight will be participating in 2010's Dancing With The Stars which premieres March 22. In other news, ex-husband Jon Gosselin was thrilled to discover today that the bowl of Lucky Charms he poured for dinner was mostly stars!
4. A seventh grader at River Valley Middle School in Indiana has been suspended for a week after simply touching a fellow student's Adderall pill. The school's principal says student Rachel Greer was technically in possession of the drug, according the school's zero tolerance policy. Greer's mother was furious with the decision, saying, "We used to live in a country where educators just had inappropriate relations with the students!"
5. With a little over a year left on Katie Couric's contract, CBS has reportedly been in talks to bring Anderson Cooper on board as an anchor. No word yet on whether Couric would leave the network, but Cooper, in preparation for the move, has been maintaining his gray hair and stocking up on Metamucil.
High five.
2. Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a massive granite head they believe to be the pharaoh Amenhotep III, who lived 3,400 years ago. Researchers say this is the largest and most complete stone head ever found in the area. Archaeologists are now planning a future dig to unearth the ancient Egyptian steroids responsible.
3. It was reported Monday that Kate Gosselin of Jon & Katie Plus Eight will be participating in 2010's Dancing With The Stars which premieres March 22. In other news, ex-husband Jon Gosselin was thrilled to discover today that the bowl of Lucky Charms he poured for dinner was mostly stars!
4. A seventh grader at River Valley Middle School in Indiana has been suspended for a week after simply touching a fellow student's Adderall pill. The school's principal says student Rachel Greer was technically in possession of the drug, according the school's zero tolerance policy. Greer's mother was furious with the decision, saying, "We used to live in a country where educators just had inappropriate relations with the students!"
5. With a little over a year left on Katie Couric's contract, CBS has reportedly been in talks to bring Anderson Cooper on board as an anchor. No word yet on whether Couric would leave the network, but Cooper, in preparation for the move, has been maintaining his gray hair and stocking up on Metamucil.
High five.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Photo High Five #10
The White House's Social Secretary Desiree Rogers is set to step down next month after being criticized for allowing a strange couple to crash a high profile state dinner. Here she is posing with a couple disguising themselves as everyday ordinary ballroom pine trees.
Bunnin' The Oven
1. Today Senator from Kentucky Jim Bunning was criticized for single-handedly blocking a bill to extend unemployment benefits, saying he doesn't want to add to an already mounting deficit. "There is a time and a place and a purpose for debate on deficit reduction, but you don't make your stand on the back of the unemployed," said one critic. Bunning then returned to his Senate chamber desk and sat down in a chair made from 100% unemployed worker vertebrae he harvested personally.
2. On Friday, actor Jim Carrey became a grandfather when his daughter Jane gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, in a dimly lit movie studio exec's office, after years of waiting, the pre-planning stage of "Son of Son of Mask" is finally off and running.
3. Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY) refused to step down on Friday after being criticized by an ethics panel for accepting corporate-financed trips to the Caribbean. "These allegations are ridiculous and hypocritical," said Rangel sipping from his fruity, umbrella-decorated Pina Colada.
4. After an uninvited couple crashed an Obama state dinner, Social Secretary Desiree Rogers is resigning from her post. At a press conference, Rogers thanked the President for the opportunity and welcomed the chance to move on to other things. The press conference was crashed by 3 couples, a delivery man, and a random hobo.
5. It was reported on Friday that sponsor Gatorade is dropping Tiger Woods as a string of extramarital affairs has tarnished the golfer's public image. "Here at Gatorade, we're all about physical activity that makes you sweat hard and breath hard," said a spokesperson. "And that's just not what people think about when they think Tiger Woods nowadays."
High five.
2. On Friday, actor Jim Carrey became a grandfather when his daughter Jane gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, in a dimly lit movie studio exec's office, after years of waiting, the pre-planning stage of "Son of Son of Mask" is finally off and running.
3. Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY) refused to step down on Friday after being criticized by an ethics panel for accepting corporate-financed trips to the Caribbean. "These allegations are ridiculous and hypocritical," said Rangel sipping from his fruity, umbrella-decorated Pina Colada.
4. After an uninvited couple crashed an Obama state dinner, Social Secretary Desiree Rogers is resigning from her post. At a press conference, Rogers thanked the President for the opportunity and welcomed the chance to move on to other things. The press conference was crashed by 3 couples, a delivery man, and a random hobo.
5. It was reported on Friday that sponsor Gatorade is dropping Tiger Woods as a string of extramarital affairs has tarnished the golfer's public image. "Here at Gatorade, we're all about physical activity that makes you sweat hard and breath hard," said a spokesperson. "And that's just not what people think about when they think Tiger Woods nowadays."
High five.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
You've Got Blackmail
1. A 19 year old New Berlin, WI teen was sentenced to 15 years on Wednesday after being convicted of blackmailing his classmates for sex. Anthony Stand posed as a girl on Facebook and convinced 30 male classmates to send him naked pictures of themselves which he then used as blackmail. Facebook users became suspicious when the updates for Stand's female persona included options to "Comment," "Like," and "Be Blackmailed For Sex."
2. Senate candidate Mark Rubio of Florida is under fire this week after a leaked Republican Party American Express card statement showed a number of personal expenditures. Rubio says the leak was orchestrated by his campaign rival, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, and that all charges were to promote the Republican Party of Florida. In Rubio's defense, no personal credit card has a limit high enough for that much Christian baby blood.
3. A Milwaukee teenager was given a 100 year sentence on Thursday after pleading guilty to shooting and injuring two police officers. The 19 year old was reportedly stopped by police last summer for riding his bike on the sidewalk. The punishment may seem excessive... so just imagine he's a Nazi vampire.
4. Two teachers at a Winnepeg, Canada high school have been sent home without pay after they danced in a very sexually suggestive manner during a pep rally. "It looked like sex on the dance floor," said one 17-year-old. I know, I'm shocked too. Who knew Canadians had sex?
5. Scientist announced this week that they have discovered a new species of dinosaur in eastern Utah. The bones are said to belong to the plant-eating sauropod, thought to be the largest land animal ever. However, scientists digging in Utah were also shocked to find the dinosaur had been buried with his eight dino-wives.
High five.
2. Senate candidate Mark Rubio of Florida is under fire this week after a leaked Republican Party American Express card statement showed a number of personal expenditures. Rubio says the leak was orchestrated by his campaign rival, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, and that all charges were to promote the Republican Party of Florida. In Rubio's defense, no personal credit card has a limit high enough for that much Christian baby blood.
3. A Milwaukee teenager was given a 100 year sentence on Thursday after pleading guilty to shooting and injuring two police officers. The 19 year old was reportedly stopped by police last summer for riding his bike on the sidewalk. The punishment may seem excessive... so just imagine he's a Nazi vampire.
4. Two teachers at a Winnepeg, Canada high school have been sent home without pay after they danced in a very sexually suggestive manner during a pep rally. "It looked like sex on the dance floor," said one 17-year-old. I know, I'm shocked too. Who knew Canadians had sex?
5. Scientist announced this week that they have discovered a new species of dinosaur in eastern Utah. The bones are said to belong to the plant-eating sauropod, thought to be the largest land animal ever. However, scientists digging in Utah were also shocked to find the dinosaur had been buried with his eight dino-wives.
High five.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Photo High Five #9
In preparation for the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Major General Carter Ham looks out over the 1st Infantry Division as each soldier turns to the man on their right and makes sure his ass looks good in fatigues.
No Teacher Left Behind
1. On Tuesday, Central Falls High School in Rhode Island passed a measure to fire all teachers at the end of the school year. The effort to revamp the worst 5% of the state's schools is part of an effort to compete for millions in federal funding. Unfortunately, this mass teacher exodus will also mean fewer students getting laid.
2. China's Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co. said on Wednesday that it has decided to pull out of a deal to acquire General Motors Hummer line. GM has been trying to sell the Hummer brand to Tengzhong for the last year. Given that China's men outnumber China's women by 35 million, it's hard to understand why they'd turn down a Hummer.
3. Mark Williams, leader and spokesperson for the Tea Party Express, a series of nationwide anti-Obama bus tours, criticized President Obama in an email calling him "our half white, racist president." Williams goes on to point that this gives a bad name to all the pure white racists out there like himself.
4. A study done at San Diego State University shows that parents are choosing more unusual names these days. The study found that "40 percent of boys received one of the 10 most common names in the 1880s, while now fewer than 10 percent do," Still, say researchers, some naming truths remain consistent: if you name your child Todd, he will be a douche bag.
5. On Wednesday, an Italian judge ordered that three Google executives be held criminally responsible for a video posted to Google Video in which an autistic teenager is bullied. Though the verdict was met largely with criticism, the Milan prosecutor says he "protected a fundamental right, putting the interests of an individual before those of a business." Meanwhile high above the clouds on Mount Google, one exec swears he felt a tiny breeze just now, but his fellow execs convince him to ignore it and continue their daily regimen of having ultimate power.
High five.
2. China's Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co. said on Wednesday that it has decided to pull out of a deal to acquire General Motors Hummer line. GM has been trying to sell the Hummer brand to Tengzhong for the last year. Given that China's men outnumber China's women by 35 million, it's hard to understand why they'd turn down a Hummer.
3. Mark Williams, leader and spokesperson for the Tea Party Express, a series of nationwide anti-Obama bus tours, criticized President Obama in an email calling him "our half white, racist president." Williams goes on to point that this gives a bad name to all the pure white racists out there like himself.
4. A study done at San Diego State University shows that parents are choosing more unusual names these days. The study found that "40 percent of boys received one of the 10 most common names in the 1880s, while now fewer than 10 percent do," Still, say researchers, some naming truths remain consistent: if you name your child Todd, he will be a douche bag.
5. On Wednesday, an Italian judge ordered that three Google executives be held criminally responsible for a video posted to Google Video in which an autistic teenager is bullied. Though the verdict was met largely with criticism, the Milan prosecutor says he "protected a fundamental right, putting the interests of an individual before those of a business." Meanwhile high above the clouds on Mount Google, one exec swears he felt a tiny breeze just now, but his fellow execs convince him to ignore it and continue their daily regimen of having ultimate power.
High five.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Photo High Five #9
After months of pregnancy rumors, shock swept through the news world on Tuesday when it was revealed that one of Tiger Woods' mistresses had in fact given birth.
You Dickinson!
1. Former judge on America's Next Top Model Janice Dickinson criticized Tyra Banks in a recent interview saying, "She's huge. I used to think she was a man." In future news, scientists of the 27th century have finally identified an ancient clump of plastic as Janice Dickinson, a creature from the 21st century which scientists believe may have been the first attempt at creating a half-man, half-machine species.
2. Today during a congressional hearing, some top military officials warned against the dangers of lifting the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. "We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," said Army Chief of Staff, Gen. George Casey. Casey did go on to admit, however, that the military could use an upgrade in fabulous.
3. Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rush to the hospital on Monday after he suffered what turned out to be only a mild heart attack. Cheney said Tuesday that he was feeling fine and hoped to be back home in a few days. Meanwhile in Hell, one devoted demon sighs away his disappointment after spending all day on a "Welcome Home!" banner.
4. Today on the The View, when asked about sex in the hot tub, the cast of the Jersey Shore said that while they do use condoms, in the hot tub the sperm is killed by the hot water so it's not necessary. The View audience sat in shocked silence with the knowledge that not only is that incorrect, but that the chances of Jersey Shore cast members breeding was higher than previously thought.
5. More than 400 people became ill on the Celebrity Cruises Mercury liner after an apparent outbreak of a gastrointestinal illness. Symptoms include upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea, and one casualty has already been reported. Not as a result of the outbreak, but rather the suicide of the cruise ship's plumber.
High five.
2. Today during a congressional hearing, some top military officials warned against the dangers of lifting the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. "We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," said Army Chief of Staff, Gen. George Casey. Casey did go on to admit, however, that the military could use an upgrade in fabulous.
3. Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rush to the hospital on Monday after he suffered what turned out to be only a mild heart attack. Cheney said Tuesday that he was feeling fine and hoped to be back home in a few days. Meanwhile in Hell, one devoted demon sighs away his disappointment after spending all day on a "Welcome Home!" banner.
4. Today on the The View, when asked about sex in the hot tub, the cast of the Jersey Shore said that while they do use condoms, in the hot tub the sperm is killed by the hot water so it's not necessary. The View audience sat in shocked silence with the knowledge that not only is that incorrect, but that the chances of Jersey Shore cast members breeding was higher than previously thought.
5. More than 400 people became ill on the Celebrity Cruises Mercury liner after an apparent outbreak of a gastrointestinal illness. Symptoms include upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea, and one casualty has already been reported. Not as a result of the outbreak, but rather the suicide of the cruise ship's plumber.
High five.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Photo High Five #8
Terror suspect Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty on Monday for plotting to detonate a bomb in the New York City subway system. As punishment, Zazi was banished into a charcoal medium phantom zone where he will remain forever.
Homey Don't Play That
1. Interviewed outside the CPAC last week, actor Stephen Baldwin said he is not happy about what President Obama's been doing, but added that "homey made this bed, now he has got to lay in it." Baldwin wasn't referring to Obama as a homey but rather the homeless man he currently shares a box with outside the CPAC.
2. Gloria Allred, a lawyer made famous by her usually famous clients, called Tiger Woods' apology on Friday a "staged public relations stunt." Allred represents two of Woods' alleged mistresses. Allred held a press conference with alleged mistress Jocelyn James to voice their disappointment... and their support for new sponsor L'Oreal cosmetics!
3. Representative Anthony Weiner of New York said today that Obama's new health care proposal will be a 51 vote plan, meaning it will likely be passed by a simple Senate majority, or reconciliation. "[Winning the support of Republicans] will simply not happen," said Weiner. "We need to stop bargaining against ourselves." Critics however say Weiner is just excited about the bill plan because it covers his many penis medications.
4. According to new CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll data released Sunday, 86% of Americans believe the current government system is broken. In future news, in a historic vote to implement key changes to fix the U.S. government, American voter turnout reached an all time high of 14%.
5. A rare Action Comics #1, the first comic to feature Superman, sold at an online auction last week for $1 million. The buyer who remains anonymous is said to be a well known individual in New York who has an exceptional comic collection. Not much information can be deduced about the buyer, but you can be sure his New York residence does not feature a horizontal toilet seat.
High five.
2. Gloria Allred, a lawyer made famous by her usually famous clients, called Tiger Woods' apology on Friday a "staged public relations stunt." Allred represents two of Woods' alleged mistresses. Allred held a press conference with alleged mistress Jocelyn James to voice their disappointment... and their support for new sponsor L'Oreal cosmetics!
3. Representative Anthony Weiner of New York said today that Obama's new health care proposal will be a 51 vote plan, meaning it will likely be passed by a simple Senate majority, or reconciliation. "[Winning the support of Republicans] will simply not happen," said Weiner. "We need to stop bargaining against ourselves." Critics however say Weiner is just excited about the bill plan because it covers his many penis medications.
4. According to new CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll data released Sunday, 86% of Americans believe the current government system is broken. In future news, in a historic vote to implement key changes to fix the U.S. government, American voter turnout reached an all time high of 14%.
5. A rare Action Comics #1, the first comic to feature Superman, sold at an online auction last week for $1 million. The buyer who remains anonymous is said to be a well known individual in New York who has an exceptional comic collection. Not much information can be deduced about the buyer, but you can be sure his New York residence does not feature a horizontal toilet seat.
High five.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Photo High Five #7
Dick Cheney looks on as a confused tourist wearing an Obama t-shirt mistakenly enters the Conservative Political Action Conference and is killed for sport.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
When CPAC Attacks
1. On Thursday, Dick Cheney made an unannounced appearance at the CPAC, or Conservative Political Action Conference, telling the crowd it's a great time to be a conservative. "I think Barack Obama is a one term president," said Cheney to a thrilled crowd. Organizers say the conference went well, except of course for the lingering stench of Luke Skywalker's severed hand.
2. It was reported today that Wal-Mart's profits for the 4th quarter were up 22%. The company says the recession has affected them, but that they have cut costs to maintain profitability. Oddly enough, China's profits for the 4th quarter were also up 22%.
3. Today at the Conservative Political Action Conference, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that a recent meeting at the White House ended with President Obama slapping the table and scolding him. "Voters thought they were electing a commander in chief in 2008. Instead they got a professor who offers finger-wagging lectures," said Boehner. For a guy who grew up Roman Catholic, you'd think he'd be very familiar with the idea of boners being scolded.
4. Victoria Beckham appeared on The View Wednesday to defend women seen as too thin. "I think that some of these girls are naturally thin and I don't think we should be discriminating against someone because they're too thin, too curvy or too large," said Beckham. Beckham needed her coffee mug refilled constantly, since it was the only anchor keeping her from blowing away.
5. A Czech Republic woman had a 1 ft tool removed from her midsection last week. The woman complained of serious pain in her abdomen after a gynecological operation five months earlier. Today Tiger Woods issued his 237th apology.
High five.
2. It was reported today that Wal-Mart's profits for the 4th quarter were up 22%. The company says the recession has affected them, but that they have cut costs to maintain profitability. Oddly enough, China's profits for the 4th quarter were also up 22%.
3. Today at the Conservative Political Action Conference, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that a recent meeting at the White House ended with President Obama slapping the table and scolding him. "Voters thought they were electing a commander in chief in 2008. Instead they got a professor who offers finger-wagging lectures," said Boehner. For a guy who grew up Roman Catholic, you'd think he'd be very familiar with the idea of boners being scolded.
4. Victoria Beckham appeared on The View Wednesday to defend women seen as too thin. "I think that some of these girls are naturally thin and I don't think we should be discriminating against someone because they're too thin, too curvy or too large," said Beckham. Beckham needed her coffee mug refilled constantly, since it was the only anchor keeping her from blowing away.
5. A Czech Republic woman had a 1 ft tool removed from her midsection last week. The woman complained of serious pain in her abdomen after a gynecological operation five months earlier. Today Tiger Woods issued his 237th apology.
High five.
Photo High Five #6
As 49 of 50 states in the U.S. experienced some kind of snowfall over the past week, governors from across the nation assemble thousands of trucks and planes, ready to move forward with "Operation: Cum On Hawaii."
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
You Can't Handle The Trudeau!
1. Infomercial guru Kevin Trudeau, author of Cancer Cures They Don't Want You To Know About and Debt Cures They Don't Want You To Know About, has been sentenced to 30 days in jail and for telling followers of his website to flood a federal judge's email inbox. The inundation left the judge's computer unusable and Trudeau has since apologized. Trudeau is hard at work on his next book Prison Shivs You Don't Want Them To Know About.
2. On Tuesday while speaking to a group of Tea Party members, Sarah Palin praised the movement but admitted that they eventually have to choose a party. "Because the Tea Party movement is not a party, and we have a two-party system, they’re going to have to pick a party," said Palin. Tea Party members say regardless of which party they join, they'll bring the kool-aid!
3. Jon Gosselin and TLC have reportedly reached a settlement deal, ending a months long suit between the two parties over breach of contract issues. Mark Jay Heller, Gosselin's attorney, says his client "has expressed his desire to close the litigation chapter of Jon & Kate Plus 8." In other news, attorney Mark Jay Heller is pregnant with quadruplets.
4. Former slugger Mark McGwire suited up for his new job as the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach on Wednesday, but could not escape reporters' questions about his admitted steroid use. "It's something I regret," McGwire said. "I can't say I'm sorry enough to everybody." McGwire angrily denied that steroids helped him hit homeruns and quickly ended the Q&A by hurling a reporter into the Sun.
5. Tea Party organizers say that their next convention will be held in Las Vegas, simply because President Obama told people not to go to Las Vegas. The convention will be held July 15-17 but organizers would not reveal a specific location. Today President Obama said he'd "absolutely hate hate hate it if the Tea Party convention was held in south Chicago."
High five.
2. On Tuesday while speaking to a group of Tea Party members, Sarah Palin praised the movement but admitted that they eventually have to choose a party. "Because the Tea Party movement is not a party, and we have a two-party system, they’re going to have to pick a party," said Palin. Tea Party members say regardless of which party they join, they'll bring the kool-aid!
3. Jon Gosselin and TLC have reportedly reached a settlement deal, ending a months long suit between the two parties over breach of contract issues. Mark Jay Heller, Gosselin's attorney, says his client "has expressed his desire to close the litigation chapter of Jon & Kate Plus 8." In other news, attorney Mark Jay Heller is pregnant with quadruplets.
4. Former slugger Mark McGwire suited up for his new job as the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach on Wednesday, but could not escape reporters' questions about his admitted steroid use. "It's something I regret," McGwire said. "I can't say I'm sorry enough to everybody." McGwire angrily denied that steroids helped him hit homeruns and quickly ended the Q&A by hurling a reporter into the Sun.
5. Tea Party organizers say that their next convention will be held in Las Vegas, simply because President Obama told people not to go to Las Vegas. The convention will be held July 15-17 but organizers would not reveal a specific location. Today President Obama said he'd "absolutely hate hate hate it if the Tea Party convention was held in south Chicago."
High five.
Photo High Five #5
Willowick Talltean, a Brittany Spaniel, won the Sporting Group at the 134th annual Westminster Dog Show, but the young canine had no idea his winnings included being turned into a doggy bag.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sarah Palin Tall
1. During a trip to Saudi Arabia Tuesday, when asked how she would feel if Sarah Palin were elected president, Hillary Clinton said she would not leave the country. "It's part of the American political environment that people are always speculating who will run for president," said Clinton to an all girls college. However, when asked what he would do during a Palin presidency, former president Bill Clinton replied, "An internship."
2. A French arrest warrant has been issued for defamed U.S. cyclist Floyd Landis for allegedly hacking into computers at a doping laboratory. Landis had his 2006 Tour de France victory stripped after the laboratory detected elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. French authorities can't arrest Landis outside the country but hope to lure him by introducing tiny, tiny jockstraps you can only get in France.
3. Sean Hannity is set to release a new book next month that aims to defeat President Obama's "radical agenda." HarperCollins will print 1.5 million first edition copies of Conservative Victory, available March 30th. Hannity's other books include Deliver Us From Evil, Let Freedom Ring, and NAMBLA'n the Night Away!
4. Today astronauts at the international space station opened the shutters on the new Tranquility module, an observation deck that will give astronauts a never before seen look at Earth and space. In future news, due to the creation of some impressive high resolution camera technology and upcoming litigation, Oxford English Dictionary had no choice but to include the phrase "space perverts."
5. In a report Tuesday, scientists say that after extensive testing they believe King Tut died from malaria and a broken leg. This defeats the previous theory that Tut's health had slowly declined after shutting himself up in a pyramid and becoming history's first crazy cat lady.
High five.
2. A French arrest warrant has been issued for defamed U.S. cyclist Floyd Landis for allegedly hacking into computers at a doping laboratory. Landis had his 2006 Tour de France victory stripped after the laboratory detected elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. French authorities can't arrest Landis outside the country but hope to lure him by introducing tiny, tiny jockstraps you can only get in France.
3. Sean Hannity is set to release a new book next month that aims to defeat President Obama's "radical agenda." HarperCollins will print 1.5 million first edition copies of Conservative Victory, available March 30th. Hannity's other books include Deliver Us From Evil, Let Freedom Ring, and NAMBLA'n the Night Away!
4. Today astronauts at the international space station opened the shutters on the new Tranquility module, an observation deck that will give astronauts a never before seen look at Earth and space. In future news, due to the creation of some impressive high resolution camera technology and upcoming litigation, Oxford English Dictionary had no choice but to include the phrase "space perverts."
5. In a report Tuesday, scientists say that after extensive testing they believe King Tut died from malaria and a broken leg. This defeats the previous theory that Tut's health had slowly declined after shutting himself up in a pyramid and becoming history's first crazy cat lady.
High five.
Photo High Five #4
A worker in New York prepares for the Mardi Gras parade by polishing Rush Limbaugh's head.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Quid Pro Snow
1. Utilizing the heavy snowfall this winter, a 25 year old Ohio man constructed a massive four-room igloo in his family's backyard. The laborer says the project kept him busy while he remained unemployed. The impressive structure contains cable TV, a surround sound stereo, and probably a bottle of lotion near a box of Kleenex.
2. In the new issue of Details magazine, Twilight star Robert Pattinson says that he's "allergic to vagina." This made Pattinson's photoshoot with the magazine, where he posed with many nude or near nude women, very difficult for him, he says. In other news, a small quake was registered by seismologists in the U.S. today when females across the nation simultaneously sprouted penises.
3. Porn star Joselyn James was upset recently when she was included in a set of golf balls that feature Woods' many alleged mistresses, saying they may promote violence against women. James then went back to providing a positive image of women with three men at once.
4. Recent economic numbers show that companies are hiring more temporary labor, but not moving onto permanent workers as is historically the case. The U.S. added 52,000 temporary jobs in January, the fourth straight month of gains, but continues to see a net loss of jobs overall. This however has not affected the still highly lucrative Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer industries.
5. On Sunday, a New York doctor and his pregnant wife were thrown off a grounded Spirit Airlines plane at LaGuardia Airport after the man repeatedly asked for water for his wife. Flight attendants told the couple it was against policy to serve water before the plane was in the air. In their defense, the flight attendants were awfully busy rounding up fat people to throw off.
High five.
2. In the new issue of Details magazine, Twilight star Robert Pattinson says that he's "allergic to vagina." This made Pattinson's photoshoot with the magazine, where he posed with many nude or near nude women, very difficult for him, he says. In other news, a small quake was registered by seismologists in the U.S. today when females across the nation simultaneously sprouted penises.
3. Porn star Joselyn James was upset recently when she was included in a set of golf balls that feature Woods' many alleged mistresses, saying they may promote violence against women. James then went back to providing a positive image of women with three men at once.
4. Recent economic numbers show that companies are hiring more temporary labor, but not moving onto permanent workers as is historically the case. The U.S. added 52,000 temporary jobs in January, the fourth straight month of gains, but continues to see a net loss of jobs overall. This however has not affected the still highly lucrative Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer industries.
5. On Sunday, a New York doctor and his pregnant wife were thrown off a grounded Spirit Airlines plane at LaGuardia Airport after the man repeatedly asked for water for his wife. Flight attendants told the couple it was against policy to serve water before the plane was in the air. In their defense, the flight attendants were awfully busy rounding up fat people to throw off.
High five.
Photo High Five #3
Seen here in 1957 with his new invention the Frisbee, Walter Fredrick Morrison died last week at the age of 90. After years of trial and error, Morrison had finally designed a toy that would make millions of children happy while maintaining court-ordered distances.
Friday, February 12, 2010
It's Not Wise To Upset A Snooki
1. This week a nude photo of Jersey Shore's Snooki was posted anonymously to a site called "nakedSnooki.com." Snooki had previously denied reports that naked photos of her were circulating. However, those who have seen this particular nude photo say you can tell it's Snooki, because her vagina has a blowout.
2. According to reports, Tiger Woods burst into a rampage during a sex rehab session, denying an addiction to sex and calling the therapy nonsense. Woods also allegedly lashed out at his fellow patients causing one woman to burst into tears. Despite his aggressive outburst, authorities say no one was injured, though 3 women were laid.
3. Former 90210 star Brian Austin Green is $70,000 behind on his mortgage payments according to papers filed by Green's lender SunTrust Mortgage. The actor's rep says the incident is all actually part of a "calculated real estate move." In future news, actor Brain Austin Green was injured today when he attempted to flee a bankruptcy court police officer in what he called a "calculated escape plan."
4. After tallying the income data for lobbyist firms, the Center for Responsive Politics says 2009 was the most profitable year for lobbying ever. Special interests spent $3.47 billion lobbying the federal government last year, topping 2008's $3.3 billion. Suddenly, Nancy Pelosi's switch from Charmin brand to the lesser known Lobby Lips brand is beginning to make sense.
5. A Delaware teenager was arrested on Wednesday after police found him in a homemade igloo with 7.5 grams of marijuana, 2 bongs, and a survival knife. Officers released the teen to his parents custody but not before charging him with carrying a concealed deadly weapon, possession of marijuana, and one sweet ass fort.
High five.
2. According to reports, Tiger Woods burst into a rampage during a sex rehab session, denying an addiction to sex and calling the therapy nonsense. Woods also allegedly lashed out at his fellow patients causing one woman to burst into tears. Despite his aggressive outburst, authorities say no one was injured, though 3 women were laid.
3. Former 90210 star Brian Austin Green is $70,000 behind on his mortgage payments according to papers filed by Green's lender SunTrust Mortgage. The actor's rep says the incident is all actually part of a "calculated real estate move." In future news, actor Brain Austin Green was injured today when he attempted to flee a bankruptcy court police officer in what he called a "calculated escape plan."
4. After tallying the income data for lobbyist firms, the Center for Responsive Politics says 2009 was the most profitable year for lobbying ever. Special interests spent $3.47 billion lobbying the federal government last year, topping 2008's $3.3 billion. Suddenly, Nancy Pelosi's switch from Charmin brand to the lesser known Lobby Lips brand is beginning to make sense.
5. A Delaware teenager was arrested on Wednesday after police found him in a homemade igloo with 7.5 grams of marijuana, 2 bongs, and a survival knife. Officers released the teen to his parents custody but not before charging him with carrying a concealed deadly weapon, possession of marijuana, and one sweet ass fort.
High five.
Photo High Five #2
Toyota president Akio Toyoda holds a press conference to address the recall of his company's cars when the brakes holding his eyelids suddenly fail.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bachmann Furor Overdrive
1. On Wednesday, Minnesota Republican Michelle Bachmann called an upcoming health care summit with congressional leadership "an assault on the intelligence of the American people." In future news, using a combination of radical new drugs and anti-coagulants to restore blood flow to the brain, scientists of the 25th century have finally discovered the cure for Michelle Bachmann disease.
2. An Arab ambassador to Dubai had his marriage annulled after he discovered his new wife was crossed-eyed and bearded underneath her veil. The wife had reportedly worn the Islamic veil during the few times the two met which is not uncommon. Today the Arab world declared "Global Unveil Day" as millions of Arab husbands stood by and watched their veiled wives with distrusting, slit eyes.
3. Two weeks after the reclusive author's death, correspondence letters written by J.D. Salinger are being made public. Experts predict more Salinger writings will surface in the future, despite the author's insistence on secrecy. See, keep to yourself all you want while you're alive, but when you're dead? We're takin' your shit.
4. In the latest issue of Esquire, a new survey shows that 29% of GOP party leaders from across the country believe President Obama is "the worst president we've ever had." When asked if they thought he would be remembered as the worst president ever, one anonymous participant replied, "Heh, well, no, let's elect a black woman first."
5. This week in his column for the Washington Post, David Broder voiced his admiration for Sarah Palin calling her address to the National Tea Party Convention "pitch-perfect populism." Palin is a "public figure at the top of her game," said Broder. Yes, and that game is trivial pursuit.
High five.
2. An Arab ambassador to Dubai had his marriage annulled after he discovered his new wife was crossed-eyed and bearded underneath her veil. The wife had reportedly worn the Islamic veil during the few times the two met which is not uncommon. Today the Arab world declared "Global Unveil Day" as millions of Arab husbands stood by and watched their veiled wives with distrusting, slit eyes.
3. Two weeks after the reclusive author's death, correspondence letters written by J.D. Salinger are being made public. Experts predict more Salinger writings will surface in the future, despite the author's insistence on secrecy. See, keep to yourself all you want while you're alive, but when you're dead? We're takin' your shit.
4. In the latest issue of Esquire, a new survey shows that 29% of GOP party leaders from across the country believe President Obama is "the worst president we've ever had." When asked if they thought he would be remembered as the worst president ever, one anonymous participant replied, "Heh, well, no, let's elect a black woman first."
5. This week in his column for the Washington Post, David Broder voiced his admiration for Sarah Palin calling her address to the National Tea Party Convention "pitch-perfect populism." Palin is a "public figure at the top of her game," said Broder. Yes, and that game is trivial pursuit.
High five.
Photo High Five #1
In that moment, Senator Mitch McConnell watched House minority leader John Boehner and realized that he in fact did have a boner.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Delete 'MySpace CEO'?
1. On Wednesday, MySpace CEO Owen Van Natta announced he's resigning from the social networking site after less than a year on the job. MySpace employees said they were saddened when they saw the news on the their Facebook feed.
2. It was announced today that the restaurant chain Hooters is for sale and could fetch as much as $250 million. The franchise owner says however the price could be lowered if we go to your place instead and you take a shower first.
3. According to the newest issue of Nature, scientists have discovered DNA in a 4,000 year old man that suggests he may have dealt with baldness. Scientists identified specific markers in the ancient man's DNA which by today's data would have created a tendency towards baldness. Also reinforcing the baldness theory was the man's cave filled with Swanson's Dinner-4-One.
4. Researchers from University College London have published findings in the International Journal of Epidemiology that say being bored could be bad for your health and cause you to die prematurely. Those who reported being very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem due to inactivity. In other news, Corey Haim has been found dead of a heart attack at his Los Angeles apartment 10 years ago.
5. Singer John Mayer is apologizing for an interview he gave with Playboy in which he used the N-word. "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged," said Mayer. However, there is a more surprising realization here: somewhere in America a man opened up the latest issue of Playboy, flipped to an interview with John Mayer, became offended, and never once lost focus.
High five.
2. It was announced today that the restaurant chain Hooters is for sale and could fetch as much as $250 million. The franchise owner says however the price could be lowered if we go to your place instead and you take a shower first.
3. According to the newest issue of Nature, scientists have discovered DNA in a 4,000 year old man that suggests he may have dealt with baldness. Scientists identified specific markers in the ancient man's DNA which by today's data would have created a tendency towards baldness. Also reinforcing the baldness theory was the man's cave filled with Swanson's Dinner-4-One.
4. Researchers from University College London have published findings in the International Journal of Epidemiology that say being bored could be bad for your health and cause you to die prematurely. Those who reported being very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem due to inactivity. In other news, Corey Haim has been found dead of a heart attack at his Los Angeles apartment 10 years ago.
5. Singer John Mayer is apologizing for an interview he gave with Playboy in which he used the N-word. "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged," said Mayer. However, there is a more surprising realization here: somewhere in America a man opened up the latest issue of Playboy, flipped to an interview with John Mayer, became offended, and never once lost focus.
High five.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Black Steele
1. In the February issue of Washingtonian, RNC Chairman Michael Steele suggests that criticism of the RNC is motivated by racism and the fact that he is black. "I don't see stories about the internal operations of the DNC that I see about this operation," said Steele. However, editors at the Washingtonian say Steele's argument may not sell, since the white paper they print on is technically blacker than he is.
2. In a new Washington Post/ABC News poll, 60% of Americans say they want the government to pass some kind of comprehensive health care reform. Pollsters say the remaining 40% would likely have voted the same but died from pre-existing conditions.
3. On Tuesday, Google introduced a new feature to its Gmail service called "Google Buzz" which allows users to create status updates similar to how they would on Facebook. Analysts say Buzz is a direct response to Facebook's growing popularity, which threatens Google's advertising revenue. Google's expansion continues next month when it releases a new vagina diagnostic tool implant called "Va-Google."
4. It was announced today by Paramount Pictures that Tom Cruise is signed on to star in and produce the next Mission: Impossible. JJ Abrams will not return to direct but will stay on to produce, says Paramount CEO Brad Grey. Scheduled for a Memorial Day 2011 release, the new film will be called Mission: Impossible IV: Run, Suri, Run!
5. On Tuesday, MTV revealed its new and improved logo which drops "Music Television," its original tagline. "If you watch the channel, you've seen that it's definitely going in a new direction," says spokesperson Tina Exarhos. Media experts agree and say it makes sense for them to change their logo to a douche.
High five.
2. In a new Washington Post/ABC News poll, 60% of Americans say they want the government to pass some kind of comprehensive health care reform. Pollsters say the remaining 40% would likely have voted the same but died from pre-existing conditions.
3. On Tuesday, Google introduced a new feature to its Gmail service called "Google Buzz" which allows users to create status updates similar to how they would on Facebook. Analysts say Buzz is a direct response to Facebook's growing popularity, which threatens Google's advertising revenue. Google's expansion continues next month when it releases a new vagina diagnostic tool implant called "Va-Google."
4. It was announced today by Paramount Pictures that Tom Cruise is signed on to star in and produce the next Mission: Impossible. JJ Abrams will not return to direct but will stay on to produce, says Paramount CEO Brad Grey. Scheduled for a Memorial Day 2011 release, the new film will be called Mission: Impossible IV: Run, Suri, Run!
5. On Tuesday, MTV revealed its new and improved logo which drops "Music Television," its original tagline. "If you watch the channel, you've seen that it's definitely going in a new direction," says spokesperson Tina Exarhos. Media experts agree and say it makes sense for them to change their logo to a douche.
High five.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Now What Dubai Do?
1. The world's tallest skyscraper in Dubai, United Arab Emirates has been closed unexpectedly due to electrical problems. Construction of the "CLOSED" sign is on schedule for a grand opening in 2012 and will occupy 30,000 acres.
2. On Sunday, a 27 year old Washington man was arrested for allegedly waterboarding his 4 year old daughter when she didn't know her ABC's. And people like Sarah Palin think America is going in the wrong direction? Waterboarding and illiteracy sound like exactly her direction.
3. The infamous Heart Attack Grill in Arizona is suing a Florida restaurant called Heart Stoppers for what they believe is an infringement on their idea. Both restaurants include menus with massive and unhealthy portions of food, attractive waitresses, and signs with an EKG design. A court date is set for later in the year, but experts predict the restaurants will reach a settlement since the courtroom is on the second floor.
4. On Monday, a frostbitten dead man was found in the wheel well of a Delta airplane flying from Japan to New York. The identity of the man is yet unknown but the airline is hoping to discover it quickly so they can help the family cope with the bill for a one-way ticket.
5. Researchers from UC Davis have published a study in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture that says drinking beer is actually good for bone health. Scientists analyzed 100 commercial beers and showed that it is a significant source of dietary silicon, a key ingredient for bone health. At last, one determined fraternity brother-turned-UC Davis professor's beliefs have finally been vindicated.
High five.
2. On Sunday, a 27 year old Washington man was arrested for allegedly waterboarding his 4 year old daughter when she didn't know her ABC's. And people like Sarah Palin think America is going in the wrong direction? Waterboarding and illiteracy sound like exactly her direction.
3. The infamous Heart Attack Grill in Arizona is suing a Florida restaurant called Heart Stoppers for what they believe is an infringement on their idea. Both restaurants include menus with massive and unhealthy portions of food, attractive waitresses, and signs with an EKG design. A court date is set for later in the year, but experts predict the restaurants will reach a settlement since the courtroom is on the second floor.
4. On Monday, a frostbitten dead man was found in the wheel well of a Delta airplane flying from Japan to New York. The identity of the man is yet unknown but the airline is hoping to discover it quickly so they can help the family cope with the bill for a one-way ticket.
5. Researchers from UC Davis have published a study in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture that says drinking beer is actually good for bone health. Scientists analyzed 100 commercial beers and showed that it is a significant source of dietary silicon, a key ingredient for bone health. At last, one determined fraternity brother-turned-UC Davis professor's beliefs have finally been vindicated.
High five.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Better Off Ted
1. On Thursday, Massachusetts' Scott Brown, replacement for the late Senator Ted Kennedy, was sworn in by Vice President Joe Biden as the 41st GOP senator. "I can't promise I will be right in every vote I make, but I will do the very best job I can," said Brown. Then as customary with new GOP congressional members, Brown chose the South American country to house his secret mistress.
2. Heinz today unveiled a redesigned ketchup packet, one that would allow users the freedom to either dip food into the product or squeeze the product out. "The biggest complaint is there is no way to dip and eat it on-the-go," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup. Still, most excited about the revamped ketchup packet design is the largely ignored "fake wound prank" demographic.
3. In the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, an English doctor writes about a 14 year old girl who came to him with a broken foot she got from playing Wii Fit. The girl was reportedly using the Wii balance board, but lost her balance and twisted her ankle. The doctor says the girl will make a speedy recovery and be back to no friends in no time.
4. The French government recently proposed a law that would ban burqas from being worn in public. But Oumkheyr, a French Muslim woman, told CNN that she is proud to wear a burqa and doesn't understand the need for a ban since so few women she knows wear it. Yeah, if you're so proud to wear a burqa, why don't you show your face!
5. A Toronto restaurant called Mildred's Temple Kitchen is encouraging its patrons this Valentine's Day to have sex in the restaurant's bathrooms. "We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says co-owner Donna Dooher. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend." Guys are particularly excited about the time they'll save, since they can now pay for dinner and get turned down for sex all in one trip.
High five.
2. Heinz today unveiled a redesigned ketchup packet, one that would allow users the freedom to either dip food into the product or squeeze the product out. "The biggest complaint is there is no way to dip and eat it on-the-go," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup. Still, most excited about the revamped ketchup packet design is the largely ignored "fake wound prank" demographic.
3. In the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, an English doctor writes about a 14 year old girl who came to him with a broken foot she got from playing Wii Fit. The girl was reportedly using the Wii balance board, but lost her balance and twisted her ankle. The doctor says the girl will make a speedy recovery and be back to no friends in no time.
4. The French government recently proposed a law that would ban burqas from being worn in public. But Oumkheyr, a French Muslim woman, told CNN that she is proud to wear a burqa and doesn't understand the need for a ban since so few women she knows wear it. Yeah, if you're so proud to wear a burqa, why don't you show your face!
5. A Toronto restaurant called Mildred's Temple Kitchen is encouraging its patrons this Valentine's Day to have sex in the restaurant's bathrooms. "We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says co-owner Donna Dooher. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend." Guys are particularly excited about the time they'll save, since they can now pay for dinner and get turned down for sex all in one trip.
High five.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
300, This Is Wal-Marta!
1. Wal-Mart announced on Wednesday that it will be cutting 300 administrative jobs from its corporate headquarters in Arkansas. "With this last major strategic piece in place, we are beginning our new fiscal year with every part of our business focused on being even more responsive to our customers," said CEO Mike Duke. Coincidentally, "strategic piece in place" is also what one Wal-Mart customer said just before entering the store in only a cock sock.
2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...
Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1
3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.
4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.
5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.
High five.
2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...
Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1
3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.
4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.
5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.
High five.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
In The Closet Now
1. On Tuesday, the nation's top military officials told members of Congress that they should lift the ban on gays in the military. Reversing the Pentagon's 17-year-old policy toward gays "comes down to integrity," Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen told a Senate hearing. Of course, simply talking about gays left Mullen weakened by powerful gay urges, transforming him into gay as panicked conservatives evacuated the chamber wearing self-contained breathing apparatuses.
2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.
3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?
4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.
5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.
High five.
2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.
3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?
4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.
5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.
High five.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Good Shit
1. On Friday, Arizona police discovered over 700lbs. of marijuana stuffed into a septic tank truck. Officials say cartels go to great lengths to hide their product but that this is the first time they've found it hidden in human waste, giving new meaning to the phrase "This is good shit."
2. Scientists say they have solved an important part of the puzzle in the research to cure HIV/AIDS. In a study published in the science journal Nature on Sunday, scientists say they've been able to grow a crystal of the enzyme integrase, which HIV uses to paste its genetic information to our DNA. Researchers say being able to study the structure of the enzyme will lead to many gains in the field, but OMG did you totally see Lady Gaga performing with Elton John last night???
3. According to President Obama's proposed budget for 2011, funding for NASA's plans to return to the moon will be cut. In defense of his budget proposal, President Obama said that going to the moon is not the country's priority right now. Plus, says the President, putting astronauts on the moon would make the moon's job-creation rate higher than ours.
4. President Obama's budget proposal for 2011 includes a large increase in spending for the Sciences, drawing cheers from the entire scientific community. Increased funding is planned for cancer research, the National Science Foundation, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The increase did, however, draw criticism from former Bush administration Chief Science Adviser and voodoo priest MezenDieu.
5. A recent report shows that Sarah Palin's political action committee "Sarah PAC" spent $63,000 on copies of Palin's book Going Rogue. Analysts suggest this may be a gift to repay certain high paying donors, an assessment supported by another Sarah PAC budgetary cost listed only as "Palin Donor Reading Lessons."
High five.
2. Scientists say they have solved an important part of the puzzle in the research to cure HIV/AIDS. In a study published in the science journal Nature on Sunday, scientists say they've been able to grow a crystal of the enzyme integrase, which HIV uses to paste its genetic information to our DNA. Researchers say being able to study the structure of the enzyme will lead to many gains in the field, but OMG did you totally see Lady Gaga performing with Elton John last night???
3. According to President Obama's proposed budget for 2011, funding for NASA's plans to return to the moon will be cut. In defense of his budget proposal, President Obama said that going to the moon is not the country's priority right now. Plus, says the President, putting astronauts on the moon would make the moon's job-creation rate higher than ours.
4. President Obama's budget proposal for 2011 includes a large increase in spending for the Sciences, drawing cheers from the entire scientific community. Increased funding is planned for cancer research, the National Science Foundation, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The increase did, however, draw criticism from former Bush administration Chief Science Adviser and voodoo priest MezenDieu.
5. A recent report shows that Sarah Palin's political action committee "Sarah PAC" spent $63,000 on copies of Palin's book Going Rogue. Analysts suggest this may be a gift to repay certain high paying donors, an assessment supported by another Sarah PAC budgetary cost listed only as "Palin Donor Reading Lessons."
High five.
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