When CPAC Attacks

1. On Thursday, Dick Cheney made an unannounced appearance at the CPAC, or Conservative Political Action Conference, telling the crowd it's a great time to be a conservative. "I think Barack Obama is a one term president," said Cheney to a thrilled crowd. Organizers say the conference went well, except of course for the lingering stench of Luke Skywalker's severed hand.

2. It was reported today that Wal-Mart's profits for the 4th quarter were up 22%. The company says the recession has affected them, but that they have cut costs to maintain profitability. Oddly enough, China's profits for the 4th quarter were also up 22%.

3. Today at the Conservative Political Action Conference, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that a recent meeting at the White House ended with President Obama slapping the table and scolding him. "Voters thought they were electing a commander in chief in 2008. Instead they got a professor who offers finger-wagging lectures," said Boehner. For a guy who grew up Roman Catholic, you'd think he'd be very familiar with the idea of boners being scolded.

4. Victoria Beckham appeared on The View Wednesday to defend women seen as too thin. "I think that some of these girls are naturally thin and I don't think we should be discriminating against someone because they're too thin, too curvy or too large," said Beckham. Beckham needed her coffee mug refilled constantly, since it was the only anchor keeping her from blowing away.

5. A Czech Republic woman had a 1 ft tool removed from her midsection last week. The woman complained of serious pain in her abdomen after a gynecological operation five months earlier. Today Tiger Woods issued his 237th apology.

High five.