Better Off Ted

1. On Thursday, Massachusetts' Scott Brown, replacement for the late Senator Ted Kennedy, was sworn in by Vice President Joe Biden as the 41st GOP senator. "I can't promise I will be right in every vote I make, but I will do the very best job I can," said Brown. Then as customary with new GOP congressional members, Brown chose the South American country to house his secret mistress.

2. Heinz today unveiled a redesigned ketchup packet, one that would allow users the freedom to either dip food into the product or squeeze the product out. "The biggest complaint is there is no way to dip and eat it on-the-go," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup. Still, most excited about the revamped ketchup packet design is the largely ignored "fake wound prank" demographic.

3. In the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, an English doctor writes about a 14 year old girl who came to him with a broken foot she got from playing Wii Fit. The girl was reportedly using the Wii balance board, but lost her balance and twisted her ankle. The doctor says the girl will make a speedy recovery and be back to no friends in no time.

4. The French government recently proposed a law that would ban burqas from being worn in public. But Oumkheyr, a French Muslim woman, told CNN that she is proud to wear a burqa and doesn't understand the need for a ban since so few women she knows wear it. Yeah, if you're so proud to wear a burqa, why don't you show your face!

5. A Toronto restaurant called Mildred's Temple Kitchen is encouraging its patrons this Valentine's Day to have sex in the restaurant's bathrooms. "We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says co-owner Donna Dooher. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend." Guys are particularly excited about the time they'll save, since they can now pay for dinner and get turned down for sex all in one trip.

High five.