Bachmann Furor Overdrive

1. On Wednesday, Minnesota Republican Michelle Bachmann called an upcoming health care summit with congressional leadership "an assault on the intelligence of the American people." In future news, using a combination of radical new drugs and anti-coagulants to restore blood flow to the brain, scientists of the 25th century have finally discovered the cure for Michelle Bachmann disease.

2. An Arab ambassador to Dubai had his marriage annulled after he discovered his new wife was crossed-eyed and bearded underneath her veil. The wife had reportedly worn the Islamic veil during the few times the two met which is not uncommon. Today the Arab world declared "Global Unveil Day" as millions of Arab husbands stood by and watched their veiled wives with distrusting, slit eyes.

3. Two weeks after the reclusive author's death, correspondence letters written by J.D. Salinger are being made public. Experts predict more Salinger writings will surface in the future, despite the author's insistence on secrecy. See, keep to yourself all you want while you're alive, but when you're dead? We're takin' your shit.

4. In the latest issue of Esquire, a new survey shows that 29% of GOP party leaders from across the country believe President Obama is "the worst president we've ever had." When asked if they thought he would be remembered as the worst president ever, one anonymous participant replied, "Heh, well, no, let's elect a black woman first."

5. This week in his column for the Washington Post, David Broder voiced his admiration for Sarah Palin calling her address to the National Tea Party Convention "pitch-perfect populism." Palin is a "public figure at the top of her game," said Broder. Yes, and that game is trivial pursuit.

High five.