You Dickinson!

1. Former judge on America's Next Top Model Janice Dickinson criticized Tyra Banks in a recent interview saying, "She's huge. I used to think she was a man." In future news, scientists of the 27th century have finally identified an ancient clump of plastic as Janice Dickinson, a creature from the 21st century which scientists believe may have been the first attempt at creating a half-man, half-machine species.

2. Today during a congressional hearing, some top military officials warned against the dangers of lifting the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. "We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," said Army Chief of Staff, Gen. George Casey. Casey did go on to admit, however, that the military could use an upgrade in fabulous.

3. Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rush to the hospital on Monday after he suffered what turned out to be only a mild heart attack. Cheney said Tuesday that he was feeling fine and hoped to be back home in a few days. Meanwhile in Hell, one devoted demon sighs away his disappointment after spending all day on a "Welcome Home!" banner.

4. Today on the The View, when asked about sex in the hot tub, the cast of the Jersey Shore said that while they do use condoms, in the hot tub the sperm is killed by the hot water so it's not necessary. The View audience sat in shocked silence with the knowledge that not only is that incorrect, but that the chances of Jersey Shore cast members breeding was higher than previously thought.

5. More than 400 people became ill on the Celebrity Cruises Mercury liner after an apparent outbreak of a gastrointestinal illness. Symptoms include upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea, and one casualty has already been reported. Not as a result of the outbreak, but rather the suicide of the cruise ship's plumber.

High five.