In The Closet Now

1. On Tuesday, the nation's top military officials told members of Congress that they should lift the ban on gays in the military. Reversing the Pentagon's 17-year-old policy toward gays "comes down to integrity," Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen told a Senate hearing. Of course, simply talking about gays left Mullen weakened by powerful gay urges, transforming him into gay as panicked conservatives evacuated the chamber wearing self-contained breathing apparatuses.

2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.

3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?

4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.

5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.

High five.