300, This Is Wal-Marta!

1. Wal-Mart announced on Wednesday that it will be cutting 300 administrative jobs from its corporate headquarters in Arkansas. "With this last major strategic piece in place, we are beginning our new fiscal year with every part of our business focused on being even more responsive to our customers," said CEO Mike Duke. Coincidentally, "strategic piece in place" is also what one Wal-Mart customer said just before entering the store in only a cock sock.

2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...

Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1

3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.

4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.

5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.

High five.