Miss & Miss Issippi

1. A Mississippi school is being sued by the ACLU after they decided to cancel the prom rather than let a lesbian couple attend. "All I wanted was the same chance to enjoy my prom night like any other student," said 18 year old Constance McMillen. Officials at Itawamba High School said they have no problem with lesbians, they'd just rather not have to clean up after their slimy arthropod exoskeletons or mucus releasing tentacles.

2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to "human."

3. Michelle Bachman's re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.

4. On Thursday, Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour called the "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour" which would start April 12th. O'Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.

5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

High five.