A Long Time Ago In A University Far, Far Astray...

1. Students at the University of Mississippi have started a movement to make Admiral Ackbar, a Mon Calamari rebel from the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi, the school's mascot. Lucasfilm studios says they're flattered by the possibility of Ackbar becoming a mascot, but that "it will be difficult for him to show up for games!" Five Jokes believes the mascot should be a vagina, as it may be a treat for some of these students to actually see one.

2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.

3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.

4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."

5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.

High five.