No Carbo-Nation

1. Pepsi announced today that they will eliminate their full calorie, sugary drinks from all schools worldwide by 2012. Students everywhere agreed with the decision saying that while they enjoy Pepsi, it causes them to crash later on in the day. Well, that and all the sex with teachers.

2. Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman who currently weighs 600 pounds, says she wants to reach 1,000 pounds to become the world's fattest woman. Simpson consumes 12,000 calories a day and wears XXXXXXXL size dresses. In a future related story, Donna Simpson and her flowery dress were rolled out onto the field Saturday as the Yankee's opening day game was canceled due to rain.

3. It was announced Tuesday that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Bret Baier Wednesday in an effort to sway some opinions in a favor of his health care reform. The terms of the interview include a neutral interview location, a non-polarizing interviewer, and one extra, batshit-insane Glenn Back incident.

4. In the latest GQ Shia LeBeouf says that his girlfriend and co-star Carey Mulligan is the most talented actress he's ever met. LeBeouf continued further out onto the limb to say that Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, Ernest Hemingway was a great writer, and the idea of world peace is something he could probably get behind.

5. In a recent interview Jennifer Love Hewitt said she doesn't like being single. "Some people get excited about being single. I don't," said the 31 year old actress. Read all about it in this month's edition of Easily Solvable Problems Magazine.

High five.