1. The November issue of National Geographic features a startling cover photo in which a large group of chimps watch one of their own on her way to being buried. The photo of the grieving chimps raises a lot of questions about how similar chimps are to humans. "People shouldn't read too much into it though," said one insider. "They only look sad because that deceased chimp owed them a lot of bananas."
2. Some Iowa conservative groups are irritated by a large $100,000 speaking fee Sarah Palin is reportedly charging for an appearance with the group Iowa Family Policy Center. President of the IFPC Chuck Hurley declined to answer any questions, then body-checked a passing elderly women and stole her purse.
3. Deaf/blind advocacy groups are up in arms over the casting of Abigail Breslin as a young Helen Keller in the Broadway revival of The Miracle Worker, saying that the role instead should have gone to a blind or deaf actress. The story leaves analysts wondering, how did they even find out about this?
4. Chaz Bono, son of Cher, is in the process of a sex change, and recently spoke out about his sexual reassignment surgery. "My outsides are finally matching my insides," he said. At which point onlookers screamed in horror at the inside-out man creature.
5. The Christian Broadcasting Network is warning people against celebrating Halloween, as its candy has been "dedicated and prayed over by witches." Candy experts say CBN is just upset because of a recent study, which showed 98% of children, when given the choice, take the evil houses' demon candy over CBN's candy corn, circus peanuts, and windmill cookies.
High five.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Holy Golden Shower & Cheney Cupcake Power
1. The Catholic League is reportedly very angry about a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David accidentally urinates on a painting of Jesus. Catholic League president Bill Donahue released a statement saying, "David's best years are behind him. He ought to quit while he's ahead." Weeks from now, after David apologizes, Donahue will run into David in a men's bathroom while David is inexplicably carrying a religious magazine out of a stall. Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music.
2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.
3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.
4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."
5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.
High five.
2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.
3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.
4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."
5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.
High five.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Fat Crazy Kids & Fat Crazy GOP
1. An artist named Stephen Wiltshire was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. While in school, it was discovered that Wiltshire had the uncanny ability to redraw complex landscapes and buildings he saw from memory. Right now, Wiltshire is drawing the New York cityscape after a brief helicopter ride. What can't Stephen draw from memory? A girlfriend.
2. According to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, antipsychotic drugs cause weight gain in children. Many doctors have been critical of prescribing powerful antipsychotics to anyone under 18 years old and say the added weight gain increases the risk of diabetes. Still, some analysts agree that the weight gain only makes it easier to spot and avoid children who are fucking insane.
3. This week the Walt Disney Company announced it would provide refunds to parents who purchased their Baby Einstein video series but did not see an improvement in their child's intelligence. Media watchdog groups have questioned the educational merit of Baby Einstein videos for years. Disney admits no wrongdoing and says that, while it will refund parents' money, they can do nothing about their retard babies.
4. In a column on Tuesday, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol said that the GOP's future "center of gravity" will be comprised of media personalities like Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh. There's a fat joke to be made here, but I'm going to take the high road and simply suggest that these three men lose the extra weight by getting off the antipsychotics. (See #2.)
5. On Tuesday, a 43 year old woman was arrested for attempting to exchange sex for Phillies' World Series tickets on Craigslist. Police found the ad, set up a sting operation, and after about 5 minutes per officer, arrested the woman on charges of prostitution.
High five.
2. According to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, antipsychotic drugs cause weight gain in children. Many doctors have been critical of prescribing powerful antipsychotics to anyone under 18 years old and say the added weight gain increases the risk of diabetes. Still, some analysts agree that the weight gain only makes it easier to spot and avoid children who are fucking insane.
3. This week the Walt Disney Company announced it would provide refunds to parents who purchased their Baby Einstein video series but did not see an improvement in their child's intelligence. Media watchdog groups have questioned the educational merit of Baby Einstein videos for years. Disney admits no wrongdoing and says that, while it will refund parents' money, they can do nothing about their retard babies.
4. In a column on Tuesday, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol said that the GOP's future "center of gravity" will be comprised of media personalities like Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh. There's a fat joke to be made here, but I'm going to take the high road and simply suggest that these three men lose the extra weight by getting off the antipsychotics. (See #2.)
5. On Tuesday, a 43 year old woman was arrested for attempting to exchange sex for Phillies' World Series tickets on Craigslist. Police found the ad, set up a sting operation, and after about 5 minutes per officer, arrested the woman on charges of prostitution.
High five.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Phantom Prostate & Hungry Sanchez
1. Huffington Post reported today that Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on tape eating a hot dog during his game against the Raiders on Sunday. Sanchez later apologized saying he felt "a little queasy" and needed to eat something. In a related story, Mark Sanchez's lungs provided his blood with sweet, life-sustaining oxygen for the 8,385th straight day.
2. It was reported Monday that famed composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. A spokesperson for Webber says he is getting treatment and is expecting to be back to work by the end of the year. Still that may not calm the thousands of upset fans who mistakenly tried to find tickets for the new musical Andrew Lloyd Webber's Prostate Cancer.
3. A new study published in the magazine Nature Geoscience suggests there may be a massive pool of magma collected under the state of Washington. Scientists say that while there is no foreseeable hazard, the pool could be supplying magma to the three active volcanoes in the region -- Mount St. Helens, Mount Rainier and Mount Adams. Still, say geologists, this is preferable to the massive pool of shit under Washington, D.C.
4. On Monday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that the health care bill he is bringing to the senate floor will include an opt-out public option. The opt-out clause is of course in reference to a state's choice to participate in the government health care option, and not a push by lawmakers to force the elderly towards the "final opt-out," as suggested by handlebar mustached Republican Senator from West Virginia Scarington McSpookhaunt.
5. A Scientologist spokesperson reportedly walked out of a Nightline interview after being asked about former members and the oddity of his practice. Spokesperson Tommy Davis later apologized, saying that he does get irritated when people write Scientology off as goofy, but that that wasn't the reason he left. "I wasn't angry," said Davis. "I just had to run an urgent soul errand for Xenu."
High five.
2. It was reported Monday that famed composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. A spokesperson for Webber says he is getting treatment and is expecting to be back to work by the end of the year. Still that may not calm the thousands of upset fans who mistakenly tried to find tickets for the new musical Andrew Lloyd Webber's Prostate Cancer.
3. A new study published in the magazine Nature Geoscience suggests there may be a massive pool of magma collected under the state of Washington. Scientists say that while there is no foreseeable hazard, the pool could be supplying magma to the three active volcanoes in the region -- Mount St. Helens, Mount Rainier and Mount Adams. Still, say geologists, this is preferable to the massive pool of shit under Washington, D.C.
4. On Monday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that the health care bill he is bringing to the senate floor will include an opt-out public option. The opt-out clause is of course in reference to a state's choice to participate in the government health care option, and not a push by lawmakers to force the elderly towards the "final opt-out," as suggested by handlebar mustached Republican Senator from West Virginia Scarington McSpookhaunt.
5. A Scientologist spokesperson reportedly walked out of a Nightline interview after being asked about former members and the oddity of his practice. Spokesperson Tommy Davis later apologized, saying that he does get irritated when people write Scientology off as goofy, but that that wasn't the reason he left. "I wasn't angry," said Davis. "I just had to run an urgent soul errand for Xenu."
High five.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sweetin Sober & Pee-yew Poll
1. A new Pew Research Center poll finds that only 57% of Americans believe there is solid evidence for global warming, down nearly 20 points in 3 years. In other news, scientists have new evidence that the Earth is not only getting warmer, but that it is also in fact a brain-eating zombie.
2. In her new memoirs, Full House cast member Jodie Sweetin reveals new drug use that she engaged in after publicly claiming sobriety. Sweetin, a recovering meth, coke, and ecstacy addict, said that she even did coke before a college speaking engagement celebrating recovery and sobriety. Sweetin is clean now but -- waaaaaait a second... nice try, Stephanie Tanner. Tell us a story about secretly relapsing while being publicly sober so we won't suspect you're on the booger sugar now, eh? Did Gibbler put you up to this? How rude.
3. Microsoft is hoping to redeem itself with customers as it releases Windows 7 this week, their latest operating system that promises to correct the mistakes of XP and Vista. Microsoft says the new system will run quicker and feature a much sleeker interface. However, the software giant did keep one of their signature features: if you're an innovative young software company, booting Windows 7 will start a small fire in your warehouse.
4. On Thursday, the Obama administration decided to cut the pay of executives at bailed-out companies that exist thanks to taxpayer money. Some financial experts say this may cause talented executives, often the "brains" of the operation, to leave their "posts" and thus weaken a company further. Oh, they may leave their posts? The posts that wouldn't exist if they were allowed to continue to run their posts? Yeah...
5. Former Chicago bears quarterback Jim McMahon has sold his Northbrook mansion and is moving to Florida. The 9,626 square foot mansion features "a racquetball court that doubles as a basketball court and hockey rink, twin locker rooms and a steam room." The most unique feature of the estate is the large lawn which during summer months is kept extra short in the front and extra long in the back.
High five.
2. In her new memoirs, Full House cast member Jodie Sweetin reveals new drug use that she engaged in after publicly claiming sobriety. Sweetin, a recovering meth, coke, and ecstacy addict, said that she even did coke before a college speaking engagement celebrating recovery and sobriety. Sweetin is clean now but -- waaaaaait a second... nice try, Stephanie Tanner. Tell us a story about secretly relapsing while being publicly sober so we won't suspect you're on the booger sugar now, eh? Did Gibbler put you up to this? How rude.
3. Microsoft is hoping to redeem itself with customers as it releases Windows 7 this week, their latest operating system that promises to correct the mistakes of XP and Vista. Microsoft says the new system will run quicker and feature a much sleeker interface. However, the software giant did keep one of their signature features: if you're an innovative young software company, booting Windows 7 will start a small fire in your warehouse.
4. On Thursday, the Obama administration decided to cut the pay of executives at bailed-out companies that exist thanks to taxpayer money. Some financial experts say this may cause talented executives, often the "brains" of the operation, to leave their "posts" and thus weaken a company further. Oh, they may leave their posts? The posts that wouldn't exist if they were allowed to continue to run their posts? Yeah...
5. Former Chicago bears quarterback Jim McMahon has sold his Northbrook mansion and is moving to Florida. The 9,626 square foot mansion features "a racquetball court that doubles as a basketball court and hockey rink, twin locker rooms and a steam room." The most unique feature of the estate is the large lawn which during summer months is kept extra short in the front and extra long in the back.
High five.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Heir Jordan & ESPNfidelity
1. On Tuesday, Sean Hannity unveiled his show's new opening tag line, "Not White House Approved," reinforcing the anti-Fox News sentiment that seems to be growing with the Obama administration. This replaces the old tag line, "Racist White Uncle Approved."
2. On Sunday, comedian Dave Chappelle failed an attempt to break a standup endurance record he once held, when he used the bathroom after 5 hours. The current record of 7 hours 34 minutes is held by Dane Cook, which broke Chappelle's previous record of 6 hours. Still, most agree that Cook's record is somewhat tainted since he performed 4 hours and then spent 4 hours hyphenating and abbreviating his previous jokes.
3. Last week, Michael Jordan's son Marcus refused to wear Adidas shoes on the basketball court while playing for the University of Central Florida, even though the college has a contract with the company, and says he'll wear Nike Air Jordan's in honor of his dad. No agreement has yet been reached, but analysts say the sporting world has not dealt with an issue like this since Jesus insisted on playing college basketball naked in honor of what his daddy gave him.
4. ESPN analyst Steve Phillips, former GM of the New York Mets, has been suspended after an extra marital affair with a co-worker recently came to light. The 22 year old production assistant, Brooke Hundley, broke the news to Phillips' wife in a letter, forcing the story to come out. If you're scoring at home, ESPN's magical record of 61 days without a sex scandal set almost 10 years ago remains in tact.
5. Tropical Storm Rick hit Mexico's west coast on Wednesday toppling trees and forcing resort goers to take cover. Winds reached speeds of up to 55MPH, electricity was knocked out in multiple areas, and one bar-hopping tourist named Rick suddenly felt guilty for the self-prescribed name he'd been using on ladies all week.
High five.
2. On Sunday, comedian Dave Chappelle failed an attempt to break a standup endurance record he once held, when he used the bathroom after 5 hours. The current record of 7 hours 34 minutes is held by Dane Cook, which broke Chappelle's previous record of 6 hours. Still, most agree that Cook's record is somewhat tainted since he performed 4 hours and then spent 4 hours hyphenating and abbreviating his previous jokes.
3. Last week, Michael Jordan's son Marcus refused to wear Adidas shoes on the basketball court while playing for the University of Central Florida, even though the college has a contract with the company, and says he'll wear Nike Air Jordan's in honor of his dad. No agreement has yet been reached, but analysts say the sporting world has not dealt with an issue like this since Jesus insisted on playing college basketball naked in honor of what his daddy gave him.
4. ESPN analyst Steve Phillips, former GM of the New York Mets, has been suspended after an extra marital affair with a co-worker recently came to light. The 22 year old production assistant, Brooke Hundley, broke the news to Phillips' wife in a letter, forcing the story to come out. If you're scoring at home, ESPN's magical record of 61 days without a sex scandal set almost 10 years ago remains in tact.
5. Tropical Storm Rick hit Mexico's west coast on Wednesday toppling trees and forcing resort goers to take cover. Winds reached speeds of up to 55MPH, electricity was knocked out in multiple areas, and one bar-hopping tourist named Rick suddenly felt guilty for the self-prescribed name he'd been using on ladies all week.
High five.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Gambler & The Stripper
1. New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera is under some scrutiny today after video of last night's ALCS game against the Angels appeared to show him spitting on the ball. Major League Baseball has since cleared Rivera of any wrong doing, not because he didn't spit on the ball, but because the baseball actually featured a picture of WW2 Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.
2. CNN persona Lou Dobbs is criticizing a Baltimore school's "Meatless Monday" lunch program, where once a week students eat a vegetarian lunch consisting of foods like grilled cheese and vegetarian chili. Dobbs says the program is a "political storm in the making." However, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Lou Dobbs is an enemy of vegetables and has for years taken money from the Added-Belt-Notch Lobby.
3. A man was arrested earlier this week for printing out fake $50 bills to pay a stripper for private performances at his hotel. A taxi driver called police after the man asked him to watch a roll of $50 bills that looked odd and cut unevenly. Thank you, taxi driver-who-wouldn't-drive-me-to-Staples-for-a-proper-paper-cutter.
4. A two year old Colorado girl named Aislin Bates was reportedly denied health insurance by United Healthcare Golden Rule because she didn't weigh enough. "We are unable to provide coverage for Aislin because her height and weight do not meet our company standards," wrote Golden Rule in a letter. However, in the insurance company's defense, around her daughter's conception, Aislin's mom did bang that entire helium research team.
5. Last week, the government charged Raj Rajaratnam the founder of Galleon Group with insider trading in what is the largest trading scandal involving hedge funds. Rajaratnam is a quirky billionaire who once paid Kenny Rogers $4 million to play his favorite song "The Gambler" over and over again at a birthday party. Rogers refused to go on after playing it a dozen times, but then remembered he was Kenny Rogers playing a birthday party and continued, sporting a single tear.
High five.
2. CNN persona Lou Dobbs is criticizing a Baltimore school's "Meatless Monday" lunch program, where once a week students eat a vegetarian lunch consisting of foods like grilled cheese and vegetarian chili. Dobbs says the program is a "political storm in the making." However, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Lou Dobbs is an enemy of vegetables and has for years taken money from the Added-Belt-Notch Lobby.
3. A man was arrested earlier this week for printing out fake $50 bills to pay a stripper for private performances at his hotel. A taxi driver called police after the man asked him to watch a roll of $50 bills that looked odd and cut unevenly. Thank you, taxi driver-who-wouldn't-drive-me-to-Staples-for-a-proper-paper-cutter.
4. A two year old Colorado girl named Aislin Bates was reportedly denied health insurance by United Healthcare Golden Rule because she didn't weigh enough. "We are unable to provide coverage for Aislin because her height and weight do not meet our company standards," wrote Golden Rule in a letter. However, in the insurance company's defense, around her daughter's conception, Aislin's mom did bang that entire helium research team.
5. Last week, the government charged Raj Rajaratnam the founder of Galleon Group with insider trading in what is the largest trading scandal involving hedge funds. Rajaratnam is a quirky billionaire who once paid Kenny Rogers $4 million to play his favorite song "The Gambler" over and over again at a birthday party. Rogers refused to go on after playing it a dozen times, but then remembered he was Kenny Rogers playing a birthday party and continued, sporting a single tear.
High five.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Reality TV & Somers' Reality
1. In their latest issue, Forbes magazine lists the top 10 poorest cities in the U.S., citing that the national median income in 2008 fell 3.6%. The majority of the poorest cities are located on the southern border, the result of struggling manufacturing or lack of immigrant employment. On the other hand, Forbes notes, listed again as the nation's richest city for the 10th straight year, Diamond Poop Falls, Iowa.
2. The saga of the "Balloon Boy," where a small boy was thought to have accidentally lifted off in a giant balloon but was actually hiding in an attic, is now believed to have been a hoax. The local police and military were brought into assist during the incident when Falcon Heene went missing, and now the sheriff believes he has evidence the Heene family used the incident as a publicity stunt to land a reality TV show. And now Mr. Heene will get his chance in Fox's new prison reality show, "One, Two, Heene Times The Prison Rape."
3. In her nineteenth book, Suzanne Somers takes on the subject of chemotherapy, saying it is used too often and often for no reason. Doctors worry that Somers' book may give people the wrong idea, but even Oprah Winfrey defends the Three's Company alum. "Many people write Suzanne off as a quackadoo," Winfrey said. "But she just might be a pioneer." You know what else was a pioneer? Laser discs.
4. According to their most recent issue, magazine Advertising Age has named Women's Health the magazine of the year. In related news, Magazine Magazine has named Advertising Age the best "magazine of the year"-naming magazine of the year.
5. Phil Collins told a German newspaper Monday that because of recent neck surgery he has, at least for now, lost the ability to play the drums. The former Genesis singer and drummer says he has lost feeling in his fingers and is unable to pick up drumsticks. The surgeon who worked on Collins could not be reached by phone but he has reportedly been notified of his Nobel Prize win.
High five.
2. The saga of the "Balloon Boy," where a small boy was thought to have accidentally lifted off in a giant balloon but was actually hiding in an attic, is now believed to have been a hoax. The local police and military were brought into assist during the incident when Falcon Heene went missing, and now the sheriff believes he has evidence the Heene family used the incident as a publicity stunt to land a reality TV show. And now Mr. Heene will get his chance in Fox's new prison reality show, "One, Two, Heene Times The Prison Rape."
3. In her nineteenth book, Suzanne Somers takes on the subject of chemotherapy, saying it is used too often and often for no reason. Doctors worry that Somers' book may give people the wrong idea, but even Oprah Winfrey defends the Three's Company alum. "Many people write Suzanne off as a quackadoo," Winfrey said. "But she just might be a pioneer." You know what else was a pioneer? Laser discs.
4. According to their most recent issue, magazine Advertising Age has named Women's Health the magazine of the year. In related news, Magazine Magazine has named Advertising Age the best "magazine of the year"-naming magazine of the year.
5. Phil Collins told a German newspaper Monday that because of recent neck surgery he has, at least for now, lost the ability to play the drums. The former Genesis singer and drummer says he has lost feeling in his fingers and is unable to pick up drumsticks. The surgeon who worked on Collins could not be reached by phone but he has reportedly been notified of his Nobel Prize win.
High five.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Non-Racist Racism & Santa's House
1. This week a Louisiana judge refused to marry an interracial couple out of concern for any children they may have and on the grounds that interracial marriages don't last long. "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the AP. Heh, yeah get off this guy's back, media. If making a decision based solely on a person's race is racist, well then... [head explodes].
2. Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, is catching fire for a recent twitter pic she sent out showing her in a very low cut top. McCain insists she was not thinking about her outfit when she took the pic and has considered deleting her Twitter account, calling it a "vessel for harassment." I think it's silly for anyone to freak out or become creepy over Meghan McCain's breasts. Her... sweet, sweet breasts...
3. Six year old Falcon Heene was found hiding in his attic on Thursday after family and police feared he may have taken off in the family's homemade helium balloon that traveled nearly 50 miles. Authorities searched the house but found nothing and the boy's brother claimed to see Falcon in the balloon's compartment shortly before liftoff. An awkward moment arose though when 6 year old Falcon revealed himself as his smiling dad carried the contents of the boy's room to the curb.
4. After much criticism, a group involving Rush Limbaugh with plans to purchase the St. Louis Rams has officially dropped Limbaugh from the group. Limbaugh used the incident as evidence that people in the media want to destroy conservatism. Insiders say however Limbaugh is just bitter about how he found out: he and the Rams no longer had the same mutual Facebook friends.
5. A team of explorers who spent three months hiking around the North Pole said that within the decade the North Pole will be an open sea during summer months. "This could lead to flooding affecting one-quarter of the world's population," says Martin Sommerkorn of the World Wildlife Fund. Did you hear that, three-quarters of the world's population? Party cruise to Santa's house!
High five.
2. Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, is catching fire for a recent twitter pic she sent out showing her in a very low cut top. McCain insists she was not thinking about her outfit when she took the pic and has considered deleting her Twitter account, calling it a "vessel for harassment." I think it's silly for anyone to freak out or become creepy over Meghan McCain's breasts. Her... sweet, sweet breasts...
3. Six year old Falcon Heene was found hiding in his attic on Thursday after family and police feared he may have taken off in the family's homemade helium balloon that traveled nearly 50 miles. Authorities searched the house but found nothing and the boy's brother claimed to see Falcon in the balloon's compartment shortly before liftoff. An awkward moment arose though when 6 year old Falcon revealed himself as his smiling dad carried the contents of the boy's room to the curb.
4. After much criticism, a group involving Rush Limbaugh with plans to purchase the St. Louis Rams has officially dropped Limbaugh from the group. Limbaugh used the incident as evidence that people in the media want to destroy conservatism. Insiders say however Limbaugh is just bitter about how he found out: he and the Rams no longer had the same mutual Facebook friends.
5. A team of explorers who spent three months hiking around the North Pole said that within the decade the North Pole will be an open sea during summer months. "This could lead to flooding affecting one-quarter of the world's population," says Martin Sommerkorn of the World Wildlife Fund. Did you hear that, three-quarters of the world's population? Party cruise to Santa's house!
High five.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Bloody Apocalypse & Sunshine Cupcakes
1. A new study shows that 36% of people under 35 years old tweet, text or check Facebook right after sex. The survey also finds that after sex guys are twice as likely as girls to use one of these social media outlets. See 827 Facebook friends? Further supporting evidence for my updates, countering your silly loser virgin claims!
2. A California judge is refusing to dismiss a lawsuit against Proposition 8, the state referendum which bans same sex marriage, after defense lawyers could not explain how same-sex marriage undermines male-female marriage. 52% of Californians voted to enact the referendum in the November elections. Of course, 100% of them are totally gay.
3. On Wednesday the stock market closed above 10,000 for the first time in a year. The long term rally is part of a 53% rebound since March and may indicate a more optimistic market. Also up this week: the Angel-Scented Rainbow Index, the Pretty Butterfly 500, and Sunshine Cupcake Derivatives.
4. Recent AP analysis of health insurance company ads have shown them to contain significantly misleading facts and figures. The Associated Press said that "the insurance industry uses facts selectively and mixes accurate assertions with misleading spin and an embrace of worst-case scenarios." Today a spokesperson for the health insurance companies replied to the allegations saying, "How is the AP going to help you in the horrifically bloody apocalypse likely to occur if this health care bill passes?"
5. Recent data in a National Assessment of Educational Progress report shows that the nation's 8th graders improved slightly while 4th graders test scores remained flat. "While the scores for eighth graders in math continue to be encouraging, the failure of our fourth graders to make progress nationally is a cause for concern," said David Driscoll, chair of the National Assessment Governing Board. Still, experts agree there is no cause for concern as 12th graders are dead to us all anyway.
High five.
2. A California judge is refusing to dismiss a lawsuit against Proposition 8, the state referendum which bans same sex marriage, after defense lawyers could not explain how same-sex marriage undermines male-female marriage. 52% of Californians voted to enact the referendum in the November elections. Of course, 100% of them are totally gay.
3. On Wednesday the stock market closed above 10,000 for the first time in a year. The long term rally is part of a 53% rebound since March and may indicate a more optimistic market. Also up this week: the Angel-Scented Rainbow Index, the Pretty Butterfly 500, and Sunshine Cupcake Derivatives.
4. Recent AP analysis of health insurance company ads have shown them to contain significantly misleading facts and figures. The Associated Press said that "the insurance industry uses facts selectively and mixes accurate assertions with misleading spin and an embrace of worst-case scenarios." Today a spokesperson for the health insurance companies replied to the allegations saying, "How is the AP going to help you in the horrifically bloody apocalypse likely to occur if this health care bill passes?"
5. Recent data in a National Assessment of Educational Progress report shows that the nation's 8th graders improved slightly while 4th graders test scores remained flat. "While the scores for eighth graders in math continue to be encouraging, the failure of our fourth graders to make progress nationally is a cause for concern," said David Driscoll, chair of the National Assessment Governing Board. Still, experts agree there is no cause for concern as 12th graders are dead to us all anyway.
High five.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Barbaric Children & Gentile Glenn
1. On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh gloated that he spawned popular right wing personalities like Glenn Beck. "In 1988, I'm the only national conservative voice," said Limbaugh. "Now look at conservative media. Look what I have spawned." Remember when you were 7 and you saw a calf being born during a farm field trip, and you thought that was the most horrific image you could imagine?
2. Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute are warning its students about playing the classic college game known as beer pong after 21 students were reported to have come down with swine flu. Beer pong is played by throwing ping pong balls into each others cups, forcing people to drink the cups the balls land in. The college is not discouraging students from playing, and in fact say now that their weaker players are out with swine flu they're finally ready to compete with other colleges.
3. Five juveniles are being held in Florida after they set a 15 year old on fire. The victim reportedly owed one of the suspects money for a video game. The suspects contend that they merely thought the 15 year old was food, and they hoped to have him cooked and brought back to their cave before the pterodactyls showed up.
4. On his radio show Tuesday, Glenn Beck drew a comparison between the White House's criticism of Fox News and the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust. Beck says the White House's criticism will spread to other news outlets just as the Nazi's spread their focus to groups other than the Jews. Don't worry, Glenn Beck, just like the Nazis, the White House probably won't waste their time with crying babies.
5. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is defending the controversial results of the most recent Afghan elections after a U.N.-backed panel found "widespread fraud." Karzai called the claims ridiculous saying that the election was "good and free and democratic." Karzai then showed off his new furniture made from 100% recycled election ballots.
High five.
2. Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute are warning its students about playing the classic college game known as beer pong after 21 students were reported to have come down with swine flu. Beer pong is played by throwing ping pong balls into each others cups, forcing people to drink the cups the balls land in. The college is not discouraging students from playing, and in fact say now that their weaker players are out with swine flu they're finally ready to compete with other colleges.
3. Five juveniles are being held in Florida after they set a 15 year old on fire. The victim reportedly owed one of the suspects money for a video game. The suspects contend that they merely thought the 15 year old was food, and they hoped to have him cooked and brought back to their cave before the pterodactyls showed up.
4. On his radio show Tuesday, Glenn Beck drew a comparison between the White House's criticism of Fox News and the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust. Beck says the White House's criticism will spread to other news outlets just as the Nazi's spread their focus to groups other than the Jews. Don't worry, Glenn Beck, just like the Nazis, the White House probably won't waste their time with crying babies.
5. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is defending the controversial results of the most recent Afghan elections after a U.N.-backed panel found "widespread fraud." Karzai called the claims ridiculous saying that the election was "good and free and democratic." Karzai then showed off his new furniture made from 100% recycled election ballots.
High five.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Insurance Yacking & Kids Packing
1. On Sunday the New York Yankees completed a 3-game sweep by beating the Minnesota Twins 4-1 and thus earning a place in the American League Championship Series against the Angels. Three MLB divisional series this year have resulted in sweeps. When asked what they thought of the sweep, Yankee manager Joe Girardi said, "It's pretty neat since we don't get to see a lot of sweeping in New York City."
2. This weekend, insurance companies released an industry-funded report that shows a spike in insurance premiums will occur should one of the current health bills be passed. The current legislation "will be disastrous for their business, so they can't stand on the sidelines any longer," says health insurance industry consultant Robert Laszewsky. Oh, I see. So apparently the sidelines are in the middle of the field these days, traveling directly into the owner's box.
3. The executive director of the NFL players union wrote a letter this week asking that Rush Limbaugh not be considered for ownership with the St. Louis Rams. A St. Louis ownership deal is still in the early stages but Limbaugh has been mentioned as a potential buyer. You know it's not good when a group that supported Michael Vick thinks you'd be bad at owning things.
4. A Delaware first grader was suspended last week after he brought a Cub Scout eating utensil to school. The school's zero tolerance policy was applied by a committee who felt the boy's knife/spoon/fork combination tool could have been used as a weapon. To be fair to the school though, it did contain a 5-inch switch spoon illegally obtained in Mexico.
5. Last week Elinor Ostrum of Indiana University was the first woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Economics. Ostrum's win ends a 41 year old streak of all male winners. Ostrum says she's happy to accept the prize but feels the Nobel Prize Committee didn't need to award it specifically for "Economics of Baby-Making."
High five.
2. This weekend, insurance companies released an industry-funded report that shows a spike in insurance premiums will occur should one of the current health bills be passed. The current legislation "will be disastrous for their business, so they can't stand on the sidelines any longer," says health insurance industry consultant Robert Laszewsky. Oh, I see. So apparently the sidelines are in the middle of the field these days, traveling directly into the owner's box.
3. The executive director of the NFL players union wrote a letter this week asking that Rush Limbaugh not be considered for ownership with the St. Louis Rams. A St. Louis ownership deal is still in the early stages but Limbaugh has been mentioned as a potential buyer. You know it's not good when a group that supported Michael Vick thinks you'd be bad at owning things.
4. A Delaware first grader was suspended last week after he brought a Cub Scout eating utensil to school. The school's zero tolerance policy was applied by a committee who felt the boy's knife/spoon/fork combination tool could have been used as a weapon. To be fair to the school though, it did contain a 5-inch switch spoon illegally obtained in Mexico.
5. Last week Elinor Ostrum of Indiana University was the first woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Economics. Ostrum's win ends a 41 year old streak of all male winners. Ostrum says she's happy to accept the prize but feels the Nobel Prize Committee didn't need to award it specifically for "Economics of Baby-Making."
High five.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tara Reid & A Swift Hummer
1. It was announced early this morning that President Barack Obama is the recipient of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama reacted to the prize both surprised and humbled, though conservative pundits like Glenn Beck criticized the very idea. Fortune tellers say Beck is only upset because in the future, when the Fox News personality dies, Death will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
2. A General Electric plant in Louisville, KY reports that they have had over 10,000 people apply for 90 factory openings. The $27,000/year jobs include extensive benefits which analysts say is likely the driving factor for most applicants. Tragically, the applicants don't yet realize they'll all play a large role in GE's new Soylent Green Division.
3. On Friday, GM signed away their Hummer brand in a deal with Chinese automaker Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Corp. rumored to be worth $150 million. Oh, poorly endowed Chinese, buying a brand of vehicle known for being excessively large that's named after a sex act involving the penis.
4. It was announced today that Tara Reid will appear naked in an upcoming Playboy issue. The American Pie star was shy at first because of scars from a botched liposuction, but quickly became comfortable. Unfortunately for Reid, her spread will appear in Playboy's new Sci-Fi offshoot magazine called The Time Traveler's Playboy: 1999.
5. Last week Beyonce finally chimed in on the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle on the MTV Video Awards when West took the mic from Swift during her acceptance speech and told the crowd that Beyonce had a better video. "Well, I knew his intentions, and I knew he was standing up for art," said Beyonce. Little did Beyonce know that West was actually standing up using the new software Auto-Stand.
High five.
2. A General Electric plant in Louisville, KY reports that they have had over 10,000 people apply for 90 factory openings. The $27,000/year jobs include extensive benefits which analysts say is likely the driving factor for most applicants. Tragically, the applicants don't yet realize they'll all play a large role in GE's new Soylent Green Division.
3. On Friday, GM signed away their Hummer brand in a deal with Chinese automaker Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Corp. rumored to be worth $150 million. Oh, poorly endowed Chinese, buying a brand of vehicle known for being excessively large that's named after a sex act involving the penis.
4. It was announced today that Tara Reid will appear naked in an upcoming Playboy issue. The American Pie star was shy at first because of scars from a botched liposuction, but quickly became comfortable. Unfortunately for Reid, her spread will appear in Playboy's new Sci-Fi offshoot magazine called The Time Traveler's Playboy: 1999.
5. Last week Beyonce finally chimed in on the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle on the MTV Video Awards when West took the mic from Swift during her acceptance speech and told the crowd that Beyonce had a better video. "Well, I knew his intentions, and I knew he was standing up for art," said Beyonce. Little did Beyonce know that West was actually standing up using the new software Auto-Stand.
High five.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
CIGNA Fingers & Sex Twitter
1. Staten Island woman Darleen Burbridge is blaming Bank of America for her husband's fatal heart attack, which she says was caused by the stress of dealing with their bad mortgage. Burbridge's lawyer says it would normally be difficult to hold Bank of America responsible for Mr. Burbridge's heart condition, except that his favorite restaurant just happened to be Bank of America's House of Stress and Donuts.
2. Hilda and Krikor Sarkisyan recently went to CIGNA's Philadelphia headquarters to protest the death of their daughter who was denied a liver transplant by the insurance company. The couple was stopped at the doors when a few company employees heckled them from a balcony, with one man giving them the finger. "I was very disappointed to learn of the behavior of one of our employees," said a CIGNA executive in a letter to the couple. "His time could have been better spent denying more procedures."
3. It was reported this week that radio host Rush Limbaugh has been invited to judge in the 2010 Miss America Pageant. Limbaugh says the contestants' political leanings won't affect his judging. Well... or so hopes a one-legged Miss Alabama.
4. A new website called IJustMadeLove.com let's users tell the world where they recently had sex and in what positions, with some people likening it to a "sex twitter." Users can even pinpoint the exact building since the site is powered by Google Maps. And, as theorized for years, Ann Coulter's house has been notably silent.
5. On Thursday, Tori Spelling sent out a critical tweet directed at Star Magazine after they released an article claiming the actress weighed only 95 pounds. The 90210 alum insists she weighs in at 107 pounds. And to be fair to Spelling, when her weight was recorded at 95 pounds, she was holding her acting credentials.
High five.
2. Hilda and Krikor Sarkisyan recently went to CIGNA's Philadelphia headquarters to protest the death of their daughter who was denied a liver transplant by the insurance company. The couple was stopped at the doors when a few company employees heckled them from a balcony, with one man giving them the finger. "I was very disappointed to learn of the behavior of one of our employees," said a CIGNA executive in a letter to the couple. "His time could have been better spent denying more procedures."
3. It was reported this week that radio host Rush Limbaugh has been invited to judge in the 2010 Miss America Pageant. Limbaugh says the contestants' political leanings won't affect his judging. Well... or so hopes a one-legged Miss Alabama.
4. A new website called IJustMadeLove.com let's users tell the world where they recently had sex and in what positions, with some people likening it to a "sex twitter." Users can even pinpoint the exact building since the site is powered by Google Maps. And, as theorized for years, Ann Coulter's house has been notably silent.
5. On Thursday, Tori Spelling sent out a critical tweet directed at Star Magazine after they released an article claiming the actress weighed only 95 pounds. The 90210 alum insists she weighs in at 107 pounds. And to be fair to Spelling, when her weight was recorded at 95 pounds, she was holding her acting credentials.
High five.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
"Lesbianic" Children & Satan: Liberal
1. A new Senate tax bill has critics up in arms as they say it will allow more companies a tax loophole and cost the American people billions. The bill limits a ban on federal contracts for companies that operate mostly outside of the country allowing for the creation of tax havens. "Still," says Maine Republican Senator Susan Collins, "you have to admit this corporate loophole is better than Bush's corporate glory hole."
2. A Utah artist's polarizing painting, which depicts Jesus standing in front of a small crowd holding the Constitution, is the subject of recent political debate. Aside from beloved presidents and other noteworthy Americans, the artist shows what he calls a liberal news reporter, a college professor holding "Origin of Species," and a Hollywood actor all standing next to Satan. However, when reached for comment, the Hollywood actor said, "That's absurd, Satan doesn't even return my calls."
3. In the recent interview with Esquire Guy Ritchie calls his ex-wife Madonna "retarded." Ritchie and Madonna divorced in 2008 and have two children together. Guy Ritchie: giving humanity Swept Away and retard children!
4. Some conservatives are unhappy with the news that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is reportedly pregnant. "I don’t understand why he is allowing his daughter to take innocent children into her lesbianic home," said one web surfer. Well, don't worry, I'm sure the little tyke will escape, because as Republican science has proven, children of lesbians are born not only with eight legs but also an increased ability to find openings.
5. Scientists from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that the asteroid Apophis previously thought have a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting the Earth in 2036 is now calculated to have a 4 in a million chance. Scientists at the lab say this research Earth nearing asteroids is not meant to cause a panic but simply to remind everyone that at some point in the future, you will die.
High five.
2. A Utah artist's polarizing painting, which depicts Jesus standing in front of a small crowd holding the Constitution, is the subject of recent political debate. Aside from beloved presidents and other noteworthy Americans, the artist shows what he calls a liberal news reporter, a college professor holding "Origin of Species," and a Hollywood actor all standing next to Satan. However, when reached for comment, the Hollywood actor said, "That's absurd, Satan doesn't even return my calls."
3. In the recent interview with Esquire Guy Ritchie calls his ex-wife Madonna "retarded." Ritchie and Madonna divorced in 2008 and have two children together. Guy Ritchie: giving humanity Swept Away and retard children!
4. Some conservatives are unhappy with the news that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is reportedly pregnant. "I don’t understand why he is allowing his daughter to take innocent children into her lesbianic home," said one web surfer. Well, don't worry, I'm sure the little tyke will escape, because as Republican science has proven, children of lesbians are born not only with eight legs but also an increased ability to find openings.
5. Scientists from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that the asteroid Apophis previously thought have a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting the Earth in 2036 is now calculated to have a 4 in a million chance. Scientists at the lab say this research Earth nearing asteroids is not meant to cause a panic but simply to remind everyone that at some point in the future, you will die.
High five.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Palin's Hancock & Grace's Gosselin
1. On Monday, new Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor showed no hesitation in asking questions during her first cases on the nation's highest court. Analysts say she may have asked more questions in an hour than Justice Clarence Thomas (who once went 2 years without speaking during oral arguments) has in the past year. Thomas defended his history on the Supreme Court bench saying, "Well, if I start talking I'll blow off the pubic hair delicately balancing on my Coke can."
2. An Xbox360 allegedly signed by Sarah Palin has been listed on eBay for over $1 million dollars. With about 8 days to go the item currently has zero bids but analysts say the signature looks legit. And with that, the question is finally answered: what happens when you combine someone who doesn't know language with someone who doesn't know numbers?
3. Last night on Monday night football Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre defeated his old team the Green Bay Packers 30-23. Favre gave a near flawless performance throwing 3 touchdowns and becoming the first quarterback in NFL history to beat all 32 teams. Though the feat is not so difficult when you play for all 32 teams.
4. On CNN's The Insider Monday night, Nancy Grace debated Jon Gosselin over the welfare of his children, calling him "self-absorbed." Gosselin tried to defend himself but Grace's debate style left him stammering. Grace then returned to her office, cracked open a Coors Light, and acted out her "kidnapper at the Gosselin house" fantasy.
5. On Tuesday, North Korea announced that it may return to nuclear disarmament talks it walked away from six months ago. "The hostile relations between the DPRK (North Korea) and the United States should be converted into peaceful ties through the bilateral talks without fail," Kim Jong Il was quoted as saying. The dictator also promised that this time he would not wear his fusion-powered hair piece.
High five.
2. An Xbox360 allegedly signed by Sarah Palin has been listed on eBay for over $1 million dollars. With about 8 days to go the item currently has zero bids but analysts say the signature looks legit. And with that, the question is finally answered: what happens when you combine someone who doesn't know language with someone who doesn't know numbers?
3. Last night on Monday night football Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre defeated his old team the Green Bay Packers 30-23. Favre gave a near flawless performance throwing 3 touchdowns and becoming the first quarterback in NFL history to beat all 32 teams. Though the feat is not so difficult when you play for all 32 teams.
4. On CNN's The Insider Monday night, Nancy Grace debated Jon Gosselin over the welfare of his children, calling him "self-absorbed." Gosselin tried to defend himself but Grace's debate style left him stammering. Grace then returned to her office, cracked open a Coors Light, and acted out her "kidnapper at the Gosselin house" fantasy.
5. On Tuesday, North Korea announced that it may return to nuclear disarmament talks it walked away from six months ago. "The hostile relations between the DPRK (North Korea) and the United States should be converted into peaceful ties through the bilateral talks without fail," Kim Jong Il was quoted as saying. The dictator also promised that this time he would not wear his fusion-powered hair piece.
High five.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Stolen Baby & Sold Baby
1. On Monday an Italian scientist Luigi Garlaschelli claimed that he has reproduced the famous Shroud of Turin, the cloak that's alleged to have wrapped up Jesus' dead body, proving it is a hoax. Scientists and believers alike have been rushing to prove or disprove the shroud's authenticity for centuries. However, Garlaschelli says this news should not focus on proving the Shroud's authenticity, but to instead celebrate the unveiling of his new "Shroud of Turin Snuggie."
2. British firm Miles Morgan Travel is planning a 2012 trans-Atlantic cruise to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the doomed Titanic voyage. Passengers will take off at Southampton, England, travel to the final resting place of the ship and then end in New York, where the Titanic was originally headed. Cruise organizers say there is no danger in the voyage because for good measure they're naming the ship "Completely Impervious."
3. Former Yankees and Twins second baseman Chuck Knoblauch was arrested for assaulting his common law wife Monday. Appearing in court last Tuesday, a judge set Knoblauch's bond at $10,000. According to reports, the former all-star attempted to throw his wife down the stairs, but missed and put her in right field. (credit: Chandler Goodman)
4. A recently kidnapped Tennessee baby was put in foster care today when authorities learned his mother was now trying to sell him. Yair Anthony Carillo was recovered from a strangers home on Friday, only to be taken away from his mother's house Monday along with his three siblings. To be fair though to the individuals trying to buy, sell, or steal this baby, he does have a birthmark on his belly resembling priceless misprinted upside down airplane stamps.
5. A group of conservatives has created the Conservative Bible Project which they say will eliminate liberalism from the Bible. The project sets to remove emasculating texts that contain unisex or gender-inclusive language, expand upon economic free-market parables, and focus on conciseness rather than "liberal wordiness." Still, says the group, in the tradition of conservatism the incest will remain.
High five.
2. British firm Miles Morgan Travel is planning a 2012 trans-Atlantic cruise to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the doomed Titanic voyage. Passengers will take off at Southampton, England, travel to the final resting place of the ship and then end in New York, where the Titanic was originally headed. Cruise organizers say there is no danger in the voyage because for good measure they're naming the ship "Completely Impervious."
3. Former Yankees and Twins second baseman Chuck Knoblauch was arrested for assaulting his common law wife Monday. Appearing in court last Tuesday, a judge set Knoblauch's bond at $10,000. According to reports, the former all-star attempted to throw his wife down the stairs, but missed and put her in right field. (credit: Chandler Goodman)
4. A recently kidnapped Tennessee baby was put in foster care today when authorities learned his mother was now trying to sell him. Yair Anthony Carillo was recovered from a strangers home on Friday, only to be taken away from his mother's house Monday along with his three siblings. To be fair though to the individuals trying to buy, sell, or steal this baby, he does have a birthmark on his belly resembling priceless misprinted upside down airplane stamps.
5. A group of conservatives has created the Conservative Bible Project which they say will eliminate liberalism from the Bible. The project sets to remove emasculating texts that contain unisex or gender-inclusive language, expand upon economic free-market parables, and focus on conciseness rather than "liberal wordiness." Still, says the group, in the tradition of conservatism the incest will remain.
High five.
Monday, September 28, 2009
No Jokes This Week
Taking the week off to recharge the batteries, because I am an android. As you know, androids are incapable of understanding and replicating people humor. So, this blog is nothing short of miraculous. Also I have the strength of not 10 men, but in fact 10 androids. 10 joke-blogging androids.
Your brain exploding is a common occurrence when attempting to comprehend this information. Five Jokes will return Monday, October 5th.
High five.
Your brain exploding is a common occurrence when attempting to comprehend this information. Five Jokes will return Monday, October 5th.
High five.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Brad Lidge & Sexy Bachelors
1. Brian Lee Randone, once featured on the reality show "The Sexiest Bachelor in America," is scheduled to be arraigned next week for allegedly torturing and murdering his girlfriend. A homicide detective said the girlfriend apparently suffered dozens of injuries in the 24 hours before her death. Get in line, ladies!
2. The Philadelphia Phillies, the MLB defending champs, are auditioning new pitchers to take over for their struggling closer Brad Lidge. After last night's game, the closer avoided reporters' questions in the locker room. When asked why he was struggling, an angry Lidge tried closing his locker but instead gave up a home run to the reporter.
3. A study funded by State Farm Insurance Co. found that teenagers who own cars are much more likely to get into an accident. Also discovered in the data, men are significantly more likely to urinate through a penis than women.
4. Tim Gallego of Dorchester England, who suffered from cancer of the mouth, recently had his face completely rebuilt using bones from his ribs, hip and wrist as well as arteries from his legs and arm. "I've always been very positive throughout and always thought that I would get back to normal," said Gallego. Gallego's only regret is that he'll no longer be the dominating force he once was in his Hokey Pokey league.
5. Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona today defended an amendment he proposed that did not require employers to provide basic maternity care. "I don't need maternity care," said Kyl. To which Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow replied, "I think your mom probably did." ... OH, NO SHE DI-INT!
High five.
2. The Philadelphia Phillies, the MLB defending champs, are auditioning new pitchers to take over for their struggling closer Brad Lidge. After last night's game, the closer avoided reporters' questions in the locker room. When asked why he was struggling, an angry Lidge tried closing his locker but instead gave up a home run to the reporter.
3. A study funded by State Farm Insurance Co. found that teenagers who own cars are much more likely to get into an accident. Also discovered in the data, men are significantly more likely to urinate through a penis than women.
4. Tim Gallego of Dorchester England, who suffered from cancer of the mouth, recently had his face completely rebuilt using bones from his ribs, hip and wrist as well as arteries from his legs and arm. "I've always been very positive throughout and always thought that I would get back to normal," said Gallego. Gallego's only regret is that he'll no longer be the dominating force he once was in his Hokey Pokey league.
5. Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona today defended an amendment he proposed that did not require employers to provide basic maternity care. "I don't need maternity care," said Kyl. To which Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow replied, "I think your mom probably did." ... OH, NO SHE DI-INT!
High five.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Dumb Kids & Dumb Kirk
1. Kirk Cameron is defending his idea to distribute 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species, adding an intro to the book that connects evolutionary theory to Hitler and Nazi eugenics. "Young people are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped. What we want to do is have students make an informed, educated decision before they chuck their faith." That reminds me of this crazy college keg party where we played "Chuck Yer Faith" for two days straight.
2. At a town hall meeting in Kansas, citizens laughed at Republican Representative Todd Tiahrt when he claimed that a health care bill would cap doctor's wages. One attendee later apologized for laughing saying, "I didn't know he was actually a congressman, I thought someone's retarded brother grabbed the mic for a sec."
3. Julia Grovenburg shocked medical experts recently when she became pregnant while already being pregnant. The woman and her husband reportedly conceived another child two and a half weeks after conceiving the first. Mr. Grovenburg was admitted to the hospital shortly after the news was released suffering from what doctors are calling "high five exhaustion."
4. A new study out of the University of New Hampshire shows that spanking children may lower their IQs. "The data shows that parents may want to think twice before disciplining their children," said researcher Murray Straus. Straus then cracked up laughing. "I'm just kiddin', dumb kids do dumb things and you gotta knock the smart back in 'em."
5. Researchers out of the University of Missouri have a released a new study showing what they believe are the secrets to finding a job. Researchers said that out of 327 people, success occurred when job seekers had a consistently positive attitude toward the process. "That," added one researcher, "and they were allowed to use time machines to go back to a time when jobs still existed."
High five.
2. At a town hall meeting in Kansas, citizens laughed at Republican Representative Todd Tiahrt when he claimed that a health care bill would cap doctor's wages. One attendee later apologized for laughing saying, "I didn't know he was actually a congressman, I thought someone's retarded brother grabbed the mic for a sec."
3. Julia Grovenburg shocked medical experts recently when she became pregnant while already being pregnant. The woman and her husband reportedly conceived another child two and a half weeks after conceiving the first. Mr. Grovenburg was admitted to the hospital shortly after the news was released suffering from what doctors are calling "high five exhaustion."
4. A new study out of the University of New Hampshire shows that spanking children may lower their IQs. "The data shows that parents may want to think twice before disciplining their children," said researcher Murray Straus. Straus then cracked up laughing. "I'm just kiddin', dumb kids do dumb things and you gotta knock the smart back in 'em."
5. Researchers out of the University of Missouri have a released a new study showing what they believe are the secrets to finding a job. Researchers said that out of 327 people, success occurred when job seekers had a consistently positive attitude toward the process. "That," added one researcher, "and they were allowed to use time machines to go back to a time when jobs still existed."
High five.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Mr. Wilson & Evolution Growing Pains
1. Purdue Pharma LP has released a new version of the drug OxyContin with a plastic coating that makes the drug more difficult to crush, snort or inject. The FDA says the benefits of the new version are limited but that it may help to curb abuse of the drug. Experts say that while the drug is more difficult to snort or inject, the company failed to consider the crushing weight of Rush Limbaugh.
2. 80's sitcom star turned far-right evangelical Kirk Cameron is planning to hand out 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species in time for the 150th anniversary of the book. Cameron's version, which will be handed out to college students all over the country, will contain an introduction giving various arguments against evolution. All written with opposable thumbs given to him by an invisible man in the sky.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong at an annual conference of investors where she criticized Obama and the direction of the U.S. economy. If the capitol gains tax and estate tax were eliminated, said Palin, the world would "watch the U.S. economy roar back to life." This marks a reversal in her position on things that roar, which in the past Palin has advocated shooting from helicopters.
4. The people at HeroBuilders.com, creators of Joe the Plumber and Obama Joker action figures, have created a new Joe Wilson doll. Wilson's action figure speaks, coming preprogrammed with his now infamous "You lie!" phrase. Buy now and HeroBuilders.com will include the Joe Wilson Slave Auction Playset!
5. Evolution cannot go backwards suggests a new study by researcher Joe Thornton of the University of Oregon and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. The study looked at genes on the molecular level and purports that once genes have evolved, the change is permanent. The news came as a crushing blow to Creationist amino acids everywhere.
High five.
2. 80's sitcom star turned far-right evangelical Kirk Cameron is planning to hand out 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species in time for the 150th anniversary of the book. Cameron's version, which will be handed out to college students all over the country, will contain an introduction giving various arguments against evolution. All written with opposable thumbs given to him by an invisible man in the sky.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong at an annual conference of investors where she criticized Obama and the direction of the U.S. economy. If the capitol gains tax and estate tax were eliminated, said Palin, the world would "watch the U.S. economy roar back to life." This marks a reversal in her position on things that roar, which in the past Palin has advocated shooting from helicopters.
4. The people at HeroBuilders.com, creators of Joe the Plumber and Obama Joker action figures, have created a new Joe Wilson doll. Wilson's action figure speaks, coming preprogrammed with his now infamous "You lie!" phrase. Buy now and HeroBuilders.com will include the Joe Wilson Slave Auction Playset!
5. Evolution cannot go backwards suggests a new study by researcher Joe Thornton of the University of Oregon and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. The study looked at genes on the molecular level and purports that once genes have evolved, the change is permanent. The news came as a crushing blow to Creationist amino acids everywhere.
High five.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Indian Monkeys & Paralyzed Rats
1. On Saturday, federal investigators arrested an airline shuttle driver in connection to an alleged terror plot. While 24 year old shuttle driver Najibullah Zazi denies any wrong doing, authorities did find bomb-making notes in the suspect's handwriting. But the most damning evidence, say investigators, is that his name is totally unpronounceable.
2. Last Friday, while speaking at a summit, Missouri Representative Roy Blunt made what some believe to be a racism-tinged joke about monkeys. Blunt likened imperial British agents contending with monkeys on a golf course in India to the situation in Washington today. "You have to play the ball where the monkey throws it," added Blunt. In Blunt's defense, those Indian monkeys were crossing the border illegally to get free health insurance.
3. Michael Swartz, chief of staff for Republican Senator Tom Coburn, said Saturday during a panel discussion that "all pornography is homosexual pornography because it turns your sexual drive inwards." Swartz added, "If you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to go out and get a copy of Playboy? He’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants." True, that is the last thing he wants, with the first being a real woman to have crazy bunny rabbit sex with.
4. President Obama visited David Letterman on Monday and tried to make light of the racism allegations aimed at anti-Obama protesters. "I was actually black before the election," joked Obama. The statement shocked many racist conservatives who had no idea the president was black, having gone blind masturbating to Sarah Palin.
5. A new experiment published this week in Nature Neuroscience shows that through drug therapy, exercise, and electrical stimulation, scientists were able to make rats with spinal cord injuries walk again. Researchers say the findings could have a huge impact on the future of human paralysis treatments. Scientists are setting up new experiments for transforming humans into rats.
High five.
2. Last Friday, while speaking at a summit, Missouri Representative Roy Blunt made what some believe to be a racism-tinged joke about monkeys. Blunt likened imperial British agents contending with monkeys on a golf course in India to the situation in Washington today. "You have to play the ball where the monkey throws it," added Blunt. In Blunt's defense, those Indian monkeys were crossing the border illegally to get free health insurance.
3. Michael Swartz, chief of staff for Republican Senator Tom Coburn, said Saturday during a panel discussion that "all pornography is homosexual pornography because it turns your sexual drive inwards." Swartz added, "If you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to go out and get a copy of Playboy? He’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants." True, that is the last thing he wants, with the first being a real woman to have crazy bunny rabbit sex with.
4. President Obama visited David Letterman on Monday and tried to make light of the racism allegations aimed at anti-Obama protesters. "I was actually black before the election," joked Obama. The statement shocked many racist conservatives who had no idea the president was black, having gone blind masturbating to Sarah Palin.
5. A new experiment published this week in Nature Neuroscience shows that through drug therapy, exercise, and electrical stimulation, scientists were able to make rats with spinal cord injuries walk again. Researchers say the findings could have a huge impact on the future of human paralysis treatments. Scientists are setting up new experiments for transforming humans into rats.
High five.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Merrill Lynch & Abercrombie & Fitch
1. At the Toronto Film Festival, Suzanne Somers weighed in on Patrick Swayze's death saying that the doctors poisoned the actor with chemotherapy. "Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins?" said the Three's Company Alum. Yeah, doctors, you jerks. Why didn't you just put something in Mr. Swayze's body that would have cured his incurable pancreatic cancer? Oh, right...
2. On Wednesday, a Muslim teenager in Tulsa, OK filed a lawsuit against an Abercrombie & Fitch store, claiming they discriminated against her by not hiring her because she was wearing a head scarf. Samantha Elauf, 17, claims the store manager told her the scarf violated the store's "Look Policy". A judge has already ruled in favor of Elauf after discovering that Abercrombie & Fitch's "Look Policy" is oddly similar to the "Look Policy" of the Arian Nation.
3. The former CEO of Merrill Lynch John Thain, who was criticized for spending $1.2 million on renovating his office as the company fell into financial trouble, said he should have instead furnished his office at Ikea. "If I had that to do over again, I’d furnish it in Ikea," said Thain. Analysts say that makes a lot of sense for Thain now that he gets the employee discount.
4. According to a recently released straw poll, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is favored by social conservatives as a presidential candidate over former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Huckabee also beat out other high profile conservative candidates like Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty. Huckabee however did not beat out all challengers. The leading conservative presidential candidate? A forged Kenyan Obama birth certificate.
5. Nigeria's government is asking its cinemas to stop showing the film District 9, a sci-fi film and apartheid allegory about an alien race landing in South Africa. The government released a statement saying that Nigeria is unfairly portrayed as the villain of the film. The government then informed the cinemas that they had just inherited millions from a long lost relative and needed to provide bank account information to collect the inheritance.
High five.
2. On Wednesday, a Muslim teenager in Tulsa, OK filed a lawsuit against an Abercrombie & Fitch store, claiming they discriminated against her by not hiring her because she was wearing a head scarf. Samantha Elauf, 17, claims the store manager told her the scarf violated the store's "Look Policy". A judge has already ruled in favor of Elauf after discovering that Abercrombie & Fitch's "Look Policy" is oddly similar to the "Look Policy" of the Arian Nation.
3. The former CEO of Merrill Lynch John Thain, who was criticized for spending $1.2 million on renovating his office as the company fell into financial trouble, said he should have instead furnished his office at Ikea. "If I had that to do over again, I’d furnish it in Ikea," said Thain. Analysts say that makes a lot of sense for Thain now that he gets the employee discount.
4. According to a recently released straw poll, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is favored by social conservatives as a presidential candidate over former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Huckabee also beat out other high profile conservative candidates like Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty. Huckabee however did not beat out all challengers. The leading conservative presidential candidate? A forged Kenyan Obama birth certificate.
5. Nigeria's government is asking its cinemas to stop showing the film District 9, a sci-fi film and apartheid allegory about an alien race landing in South Africa. The government released a statement saying that Nigeria is unfairly portrayed as the villain of the film. The government then informed the cinemas that they had just inherited millions from a long lost relative and needed to provide bank account information to collect the inheritance.
High five.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Spacetime & Naughty Time
1. On Wednesday, Bill O'Reilly surprised many of his Fox News viewers by voicing support for a public option in the debated health care bill. O'Reilly said that if Americans didn't like their insurance and if the government could provide one at less cost with the same benefits then he would be in favor of it. Don't get too excited liberal readers. O'Reilly then told a newborn puppy to shut up.
2. On Thursday, police arrested and charged lab technician Raymond Clark with the murder of Yale grad student Annie Le. Those who worked with Clark say he was a stickler in the lab and considered it and the lab mice his property. Fortunately for Clark, he'll soon have a space of his very own and lots of friends who also grew up experimenting on small animals. Unfortunately he will be the property of someone else.
3. NASA scientists today revealed some of the surprising initial data gathered by their Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter spacecraft. Certain craters on the moon may be the coldest spots in the entire solar system, slightly colder than even Pluto, 40 times further from the sun. Scientists say this knocks off their previous record holder for coldest place in the solar system: the icy vacuous chamber where Dick Cheney's heart should be.
4. It was announced on Thursday that the first Mac Plus personal computer ever made, which was in turn given as a gift to Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, is being auctioned off. Future civilizations will look back on this day as the moment in history when time travel was discovered, when computer geek energy and Star Trek nerd energy came together and caused a rip in the spacetime continuum.
5. Jon and Kate Gosselin's 23 year old babysitter is now coming forward claiming that she and Jon had an affair. Stephanie Santoro says it began when Jon invited her over to hang out in the hot tub one night. Santoro knew something was wrong the next day when she gave birth to 27 babies.
High five.
2. On Thursday, police arrested and charged lab technician Raymond Clark with the murder of Yale grad student Annie Le. Those who worked with Clark say he was a stickler in the lab and considered it and the lab mice his property. Fortunately for Clark, he'll soon have a space of his very own and lots of friends who also grew up experimenting on small animals. Unfortunately he will be the property of someone else.
3. NASA scientists today revealed some of the surprising initial data gathered by their Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter spacecraft. Certain craters on the moon may be the coldest spots in the entire solar system, slightly colder than even Pluto, 40 times further from the sun. Scientists say this knocks off their previous record holder for coldest place in the solar system: the icy vacuous chamber where Dick Cheney's heart should be.
4. It was announced on Thursday that the first Mac Plus personal computer ever made, which was in turn given as a gift to Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, is being auctioned off. Future civilizations will look back on this day as the moment in history when time travel was discovered, when computer geek energy and Star Trek nerd energy came together and caused a rip in the spacetime continuum.
5. Jon and Kate Gosselin's 23 year old babysitter is now coming forward claiming that she and Jon had an affair. Stephanie Santoro says it began when Jon invited her over to hang out in the hot tub one night. Santoro knew something was wrong the next day when she gave birth to 27 babies.
High five.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
FCC & PETA
1. Senator Max Baucus' (D-MT) health care bill unveiled today is reportedly not getting any good reviews from his fellow Democrats in Congress. Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) says that he would oppose the bill outright, and in the House, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) says he would oppose any bill that didn't include a public option, which Baucus' bill does not have. Still, analysts see Rep. Weiner's stance as unfair, since he also requires a bill that changes his middle name to "Massive".
2. FCC is reportedly taking another look at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident involving Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, where a "wardrobe malfunction" caused Jackson's breast to become exposed. The FCC fined CBS for the error, but the Supreme Court later overturned that fine. The FCC says it should be able to further explain its position. "Boobs cannot be shown on television," said the FCC in a statement today. Fox News then pulled Glenn Beck from the air.
3. A new study published in the latest issue of the journal Reproductive Health says teen birthrates are higher in highly religious states, with Mississippi being number one. The study suggests that religious communities "are more successful in discouraging the use of contraception among their teenagers than they are in discouraging sexual intercourse itself." Today the governor of Mississippi Haley Barbour called the study fictitious. "It's absurd," said Barbour. "I always use a condom when I have sex with my teenage daughter."
4. Today while speaking at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Conference, billionaire Warren Buffett said that he believes all of the U.S.'s economic woes will be solved in 3 to 4 years. "Our genius in the United States is not in avoiding problems, it's in overcoming problems," said Buffett. Inspired by Buffett's analysis, unemployed factory worker Chris Wright of Michigan ceremoniously added a tiny American flag to his cardboard box house.
5. PETA has written to Virginia Governor Tim Kaine asking to lease a closed state prison to create a chicken museum dedicated to exhibits about the mistreatment of chickens. Upon reading the letter, a relieved Kaine remembered the last item on his wife's errand list, pulled into his local KFC drive-thru, and picked up dinner.
High five.
2. FCC is reportedly taking another look at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident involving Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, where a "wardrobe malfunction" caused Jackson's breast to become exposed. The FCC fined CBS for the error, but the Supreme Court later overturned that fine. The FCC says it should be able to further explain its position. "Boobs cannot be shown on television," said the FCC in a statement today. Fox News then pulled Glenn Beck from the air.
3. A new study published in the latest issue of the journal Reproductive Health says teen birthrates are higher in highly religious states, with Mississippi being number one. The study suggests that religious communities "are more successful in discouraging the use of contraception among their teenagers than they are in discouraging sexual intercourse itself." Today the governor of Mississippi Haley Barbour called the study fictitious. "It's absurd," said Barbour. "I always use a condom when I have sex with my teenage daughter."
4. Today while speaking at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Conference, billionaire Warren Buffett said that he believes all of the U.S.'s economic woes will be solved in 3 to 4 years. "Our genius in the United States is not in avoiding problems, it's in overcoming problems," said Buffett. Inspired by Buffett's analysis, unemployed factory worker Chris Wright of Michigan ceremoniously added a tiny American flag to his cardboard box house.
5. PETA has written to Virginia Governor Tim Kaine asking to lease a closed state prison to create a chicken museum dedicated to exhibits about the mistreatment of chickens. Upon reading the letter, a relieved Kaine remembered the last item on his wife's errand list, pulled into his local KFC drive-thru, and picked up dinner.
High five.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Fake Photos & 11 Year Old Liars
1. Actor Patrick Swayze died on Monday after a months-long battle with advanced pancreatic cancer. He was 57. Doctors called the actor's time of death for September 14th, but they've seen his films and they're currently on the lookout for anyone who seems possessed and dances like there's no tomorrow.
2. The Tea Party group that held a rally near the Washington Monument on Saturday says they gathered 1 to 1.5 million protesters, and even provided a photo as proof. However, the photo has now been shown to be fake. Analysts say the organizers used a photo that is about 5 years old and is missing recently constructed buildings. Analysts on site also point out that for the group to have transported so many people, they would have required at least 100 more vans with airbrushed eagles or wolves on the side.
3. Today, the Philadelphia Eagles activated controversial quarterback Michael Vick after QB Donovan McNabb suffered a rib injury in week 1 of play. To make room for Vick, Philadelphia had to release wide receiver Hank Baskett. What's more disturbing, however, is that Hank Baskett is in fact a cocker spaniel.
4. An 11 year old boy in Alabama lied about being kidnapped in order to hide the bad grades on his report card. The boy told police he escaped from the kidnapper with his band instrument but not the bookbag that contained his report card, which made the police immediately suspicious of the boy's story. Plus, everyone knows Alabama schools only go up to age 8.
5. Universal revealed new details about their upcoming Harry Potter park today, saying it will include Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, other elements of the hugely popular series. Universal does say however that despite popular demand "Hermione's top dresser drawer" will not be an attraction.
High five.
2. The Tea Party group that held a rally near the Washington Monument on Saturday says they gathered 1 to 1.5 million protesters, and even provided a photo as proof. However, the photo has now been shown to be fake. Analysts say the organizers used a photo that is about 5 years old and is missing recently constructed buildings. Analysts on site also point out that for the group to have transported so many people, they would have required at least 100 more vans with airbrushed eagles or wolves on the side.
3. Today, the Philadelphia Eagles activated controversial quarterback Michael Vick after QB Donovan McNabb suffered a rib injury in week 1 of play. To make room for Vick, Philadelphia had to release wide receiver Hank Baskett. What's more disturbing, however, is that Hank Baskett is in fact a cocker spaniel.
4. An 11 year old boy in Alabama lied about being kidnapped in order to hide the bad grades on his report card. The boy told police he escaped from the kidnapper with his band instrument but not the bookbag that contained his report card, which made the police immediately suspicious of the boy's story. Plus, everyone knows Alabama schools only go up to age 8.
5. Universal revealed new details about their upcoming Harry Potter park today, saying it will include Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, other elements of the hugely popular series. Universal does say however that despite popular demand "Hermione's top dresser drawer" will not be an attraction.
High five.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Trashing Megan Fox & West Goes South
1. On Friday, people across the country held services marking the events of September 11, 2001. Regardless of politics, remembrance of this historic day is something everyone can agree on. That, and the fact that Marlee Matlin has an unfair monopoly on deaf character roles.
2. Panic erupted around DC on Friday when a Coast Guard exercise was mistaken for a potential act of terrorism. Ten shots were fired during the drill that took place shortly after Obama arrived at the Pentagon to mark the time of the first terror attack eight years ago. Read all about it in the latest issue of "The Perfect Date, Time, and Place to Fire a Weapon Quarterly."
3. On Sunday, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's MTV Video Music Award win for Best Female Video to voice his support for Beyonce's video. "Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," said West, grabbing the mic from Swift. West then returned to the vocal auto-tune software in his studio full of instruments he can't play.
4. In a letter posted to director Michael Bay's website, three anonymous crew members from the Transformers films label Megan Fox as "thankless, classless, graceless, dumb, trailer trash, and ungracious." The letter was written in defense of Bay after the actress made some controversial comments about the director. Yes... now that men know Megan Fox isn't very bright and has the low standards of trailer trash, her popularity is sure to plummet.
5. Olympia Snowe, Republican Senator from Maine, is urging President Obama to take the government-run, public option of health care "off the table". Snowe says that the public option is "universally opposed by all Republicans in the Senate," even though studies show the majority of Americans would like a public option. Snowe then had the stick up her butt surgically removed using her government-funded health care plan.
High five.
2. Panic erupted around DC on Friday when a Coast Guard exercise was mistaken for a potential act of terrorism. Ten shots were fired during the drill that took place shortly after Obama arrived at the Pentagon to mark the time of the first terror attack eight years ago. Read all about it in the latest issue of "The Perfect Date, Time, and Place to Fire a Weapon Quarterly."
3. On Sunday, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's MTV Video Music Award win for Best Female Video to voice his support for Beyonce's video. "Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," said West, grabbing the mic from Swift. West then returned to the vocal auto-tune software in his studio full of instruments he can't play.
4. In a letter posted to director Michael Bay's website, three anonymous crew members from the Transformers films label Megan Fox as "thankless, classless, graceless, dumb, trailer trash, and ungracious." The letter was written in defense of Bay after the actress made some controversial comments about the director. Yes... now that men know Megan Fox isn't very bright and has the low standards of trailer trash, her popularity is sure to plummet.
5. Olympia Snowe, Republican Senator from Maine, is urging President Obama to take the government-run, public option of health care "off the table". Snowe says that the public option is "universally opposed by all Republicans in the Senate," even though studies show the majority of Americans would like a public option. Snowe then had the stick up her butt surgically removed using her government-funded health care plan.
High five.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
China's Winds & Representatives That Blow
1. It was revealed today that Caster Semenya, the South African runner who was forced to take a gender test, is actually a hermaphrodite. The test concluded that she has both male and female sex organs and carries three times the amount testosterone of a normal woman. Though, most experts agree, officials should have recognized something was amiss when Semenya began crying after she caught herself staring at another woman.
2. An 8 year old cheetah named Sarah is now officially the fastest mammal on Earth covering 100 meters in 6.13 seconds. By comparison, Usain Bolt ran the same distance in about 9.00 seconds setting the human world record. Running officials are now having the cheetah's gender tested.
3. Today on Representative Joe Wilson's (R-S.C.) website JoeWilsonforCongress.com, the congressman apologized for his outburst during President Obama's speech but asked his supporters to continue contributing to his campaign. Wilson says his opponents want to keep him silent on "government-run health care," what conservatives believe to be a government handout. Wilson then asked campaign supporters for a handout.
4. The surviving members of Nirvana released a statement Thursday saying they were disappointed that Kurt Cobain is being used in Guitar Hero 5 as an unlockable character. Activision, the makers of the Guitar Hero series, says it secured the rights to use Cobain's likeness. The company adds, however, that it may have gone too far with its new "shotgun mode."
5. A new U.S. study published on Thursday says that China could decrease its emissions by 30% by 2030 if it utilized wind power to meet half of its electricity demands. The study further suggests that wind could potentially supply all of China's energy needs in the future. Some analysts warn, though, that wind could never be a substitute for sources like nuclear power. Let's be honest, why use an energy source to only supply power to your people when you can use it to blow them up and melt their skin off, too?
High five.
2. An 8 year old cheetah named Sarah is now officially the fastest mammal on Earth covering 100 meters in 6.13 seconds. By comparison, Usain Bolt ran the same distance in about 9.00 seconds setting the human world record. Running officials are now having the cheetah's gender tested.
3. Today on Representative Joe Wilson's (R-S.C.) website JoeWilsonforCongress.com, the congressman apologized for his outburst during President Obama's speech but asked his supporters to continue contributing to his campaign. Wilson says his opponents want to keep him silent on "government-run health care," what conservatives believe to be a government handout. Wilson then asked campaign supporters for a handout.
4. The surviving members of Nirvana released a statement Thursday saying they were disappointed that Kurt Cobain is being used in Guitar Hero 5 as an unlockable character. Activision, the makers of the Guitar Hero series, says it secured the rights to use Cobain's likeness. The company adds, however, that it may have gone too far with its new "shotgun mode."
5. A new U.S. study published on Thursday says that China could decrease its emissions by 30% by 2030 if it utilized wind power to meet half of its electricity demands. The study further suggests that wind could potentially supply all of China's energy needs in the future. Some analysts warn, though, that wind could never be a substitute for sources like nuclear power. Let's be honest, why use an energy source to only supply power to your people when you can use it to blow them up and melt their skin off, too?
High five.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Energy-Saving Advances & Soul-Saving Advances
1. On Wednesday, New York Yankee Derek Jeter tied Hall of Famer Lou Gehrig for most hits by a Yankee, with 2,721. Jeter tied the record against Tamps Bay Wednesday night and has his first chance to break it against Baltimore tomorrow. "It's just kind of mind-boggling to know my name is next to his," said Jeter. Doctors then broke the news to the Yankee shortstop that he has Derek Jeter's Disease.
2. President Obama delivered a historic healthcare reform speech to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday and told the legislative body that the "time for bickering is over." Both parties applauded the line but Republican Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina threw his rattle at the President then hopped in his SUV-style Power Wheel and drove away yelling, "Nuh-uh, you can't make me!"
3. On Friday, Hugh Hefner officially filed for divorce from his wife after separating in 1998. Usually in a divorce the wife gets half of everything the husband makes. An awkward moment came in court though when the judge asked if he could get just 1% of what Hugh Hefner makes it with.
4. A new study released by Baylor University shows that 1 in 33 women are the victim of sexual advances from faith leaders. Researchers surveyed about 3,500 women over 18 years of age across different religions and denominations. See? And cynics said nothing could unite the world's religions. When it comes to inappropriate sexual advances, we're all children of God... or priests or ministers or rabbis.
5. A New Jersey Burger King is testing an energy-saving device in its drive-thru, powering some of the store with kinetic energy captured from vehicles braking. The restaurant owner says that the device could save 5-10% on his energy costs. The downside however, says the owner, is your eating at a Burger King in New Jersey.
High five.
2. President Obama delivered a historic healthcare reform speech to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday and told the legislative body that the "time for bickering is over." Both parties applauded the line but Republican Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina threw his rattle at the President then hopped in his SUV-style Power Wheel and drove away yelling, "Nuh-uh, you can't make me!"
3. On Friday, Hugh Hefner officially filed for divorce from his wife after separating in 1998. Usually in a divorce the wife gets half of everything the husband makes. An awkward moment came in court though when the judge asked if he could get just 1% of what Hugh Hefner makes it with.
4. A new study released by Baylor University shows that 1 in 33 women are the victim of sexual advances from faith leaders. Researchers surveyed about 3,500 women over 18 years of age across different religions and denominations. See? And cynics said nothing could unite the world's religions. When it comes to inappropriate sexual advances, we're all children of God... or priests or ministers or rabbis.
5. A New Jersey Burger King is testing an energy-saving device in its drive-thru, powering some of the store with kinetic energy captured from vehicles braking. The restaurant owner says that the device could save 5-10% on his energy costs. The downside however, says the owner, is your eating at a Burger King in New Jersey.
High five.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Healthcare Fines & Shorter Wal-Mart Lines
Ah, I needed that extended vacation weekend. Let me just check here to see if comedy has been drained from the world's news... nope, we're still good to go. Shall we continue?
1. On Tuesday, Minnesota Republican Representative Michele Bachmann attempted to draw a connection between major flu outbreaks in the U.S. and the Democratic presidents in office at the time. As news organizations have already pointed out, Republican President Ford was president during the last flu outbreak. But you can hardly let Obama off the hook completely; after all he is President while this Michele Bachmann is going around.
2. Archeologists are marveling at an enormous 3,700 year old wall that was discovered in Jerusalem recently. Thought to have been built by the Canaanites, the uncovered section is 8 meters high and about 24 meters long. Local Muslims and Jews quickly claimed their respective sides of the wall so the shooting and rocket fire could begin.
3. Last week, a woman was beaten to death by employees of a Beijing Wal-Mart after she was suspected of shoplifting. The employees followed the woman to the street and demanded to see her receipt, but the woman refused. Wal-Mart's workforce rivals the population of some small countries, and now it looks as though their annual death rate will as well.
4. Caster Semenya, the South African female track star who some critics believe is actually a man, appeared on the cover of You Magazine this month with a feminine makeover to silence her antagonists. "I'd like to dress up more often and wear dresses but I never get the chance," said Semenya. "Plus, it's hard to wear dresses when you have a really big tail growing out of your pelvis."
5. Under a new plan proposed by Montana Senator Max Baucus, American families who don't purchase health insurance would be fined up to $3,800/year, with a minimum fine of $1,500/year. Because if there's anything that high school Economics taught us: if a family can't afford to buy healthcare, it probably just means they're stashing the money away to pay the fines for not buying healthcare.
High five.
1. On Tuesday, Minnesota Republican Representative Michele Bachmann attempted to draw a connection between major flu outbreaks in the U.S. and the Democratic presidents in office at the time. As news organizations have already pointed out, Republican President Ford was president during the last flu outbreak. But you can hardly let Obama off the hook completely; after all he is President while this Michele Bachmann is going around.
2. Archeologists are marveling at an enormous 3,700 year old wall that was discovered in Jerusalem recently. Thought to have been built by the Canaanites, the uncovered section is 8 meters high and about 24 meters long. Local Muslims and Jews quickly claimed their respective sides of the wall so the shooting and rocket fire could begin.
3. Last week, a woman was beaten to death by employees of a Beijing Wal-Mart after she was suspected of shoplifting. The employees followed the woman to the street and demanded to see her receipt, but the woman refused. Wal-Mart's workforce rivals the population of some small countries, and now it looks as though their annual death rate will as well.
4. Caster Semenya, the South African female track star who some critics believe is actually a man, appeared on the cover of You Magazine this month with a feminine makeover to silence her antagonists. "I'd like to dress up more often and wear dresses but I never get the chance," said Semenya. "Plus, it's hard to wear dresses when you have a really big tail growing out of your pelvis."
5. Under a new plan proposed by Montana Senator Max Baucus, American families who don't purchase health insurance would be fined up to $3,800/year, with a minimum fine of $1,500/year. Because if there's anything that high school Economics taught us: if a family can't afford to buy healthcare, it probably just means they're stashing the money away to pay the fines for not buying healthcare.
High five.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
America's Penis & China's Vaginas
1. For the first time since WWII, Florida is actually losing residents. From 2008 to 2009, 58,000 people left the Sunshine state in what is the first net loss of residents in 63 years. Analysts contend that the exodus is due to increasing property taxes, a higher cost of living, and falling incomes. Those factors may play a role, but I think mainly Floridians finally realized they were living in America's penis.
2. Chinese officials are trying to downplay reports that the country will reduce its export of rare earths, materials used all over the world in batteries, mobile phones, and superconductors. "China, as a responsible big country, will not go back and will not take the road of closing the door," said Wang Caifeng, deputy minister-general at the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology. "Now," added Wang, "if we could only close the door on those vaginas!"
3. On September 6th, a Vancouver stuntman will attempt a world record by setting himself on fire for 2 minutes and 39 seconds. Colin Decker will be covered in a flame retardant gel-like substance that reportedly acts like an asbestos suit and then will be set ablaze. "Oh, you want me to put on this suit made of asbestos and light myself on fire for two and a half minutes? Awesome." The service on September 7th will be closed casket to deter pesky neighbors from dropping by to see what's on the grill.
4. A 61 year old Georgia man is being charged with felony child cruelty for slapping a crying two year old in an Atlanta Walmart after her mother wouldn't quiet her. An annoyed Roger Stephens approached the child, slapped her repeatedly, and then told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Footing the bill for Stephens' legal defense? Anyone who has ever been to a Walmart.
5. Doctors believe they have finally discovered why 16 year old Calvino Inman cries blood, often for up to 15 minutes at a time. The diagnosis came after years of study and baffling frustration from numerous physicians. On Tuesday, while appearing on CBS's The Early Show, a doctor confirmed that Inman suffers from being a big pussy.
High five.
2. Chinese officials are trying to downplay reports that the country will reduce its export of rare earths, materials used all over the world in batteries, mobile phones, and superconductors. "China, as a responsible big country, will not go back and will not take the road of closing the door," said Wang Caifeng, deputy minister-general at the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology. "Now," added Wang, "if we could only close the door on those vaginas!"
3. On September 6th, a Vancouver stuntman will attempt a world record by setting himself on fire for 2 minutes and 39 seconds. Colin Decker will be covered in a flame retardant gel-like substance that reportedly acts like an asbestos suit and then will be set ablaze. "Oh, you want me to put on this suit made of asbestos and light myself on fire for two and a half minutes? Awesome." The service on September 7th will be closed casket to deter pesky neighbors from dropping by to see what's on the grill.
4. A 61 year old Georgia man is being charged with felony child cruelty for slapping a crying two year old in an Atlanta Walmart after her mother wouldn't quiet her. An annoyed Roger Stephens approached the child, slapped her repeatedly, and then told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Footing the bill for Stephens' legal defense? Anyone who has ever been to a Walmart.
5. Doctors believe they have finally discovered why 16 year old Calvino Inman cries blood, often for up to 15 minutes at a time. The diagnosis came after years of study and baffling frustration from numerous physicians. On Tuesday, while appearing on CBS's The Early Show, a doctor confirmed that Inman suffers from being a big pussy.
High five.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Anchorwoman & Wheelchair Woman
1. Former major league pitcher Curt Schilling said today that he has some interest in running for the Senate seat left vacant by Ted Kennedy's death. Schilling visited the Senate floor today to get a feel for the job and even listened in on some debate. An awkward moment arose, though, when Senator Chris Dodd rose to speak and Schilling brushed him back off the podium with a 95MPH fastball.
2. The infamous Town Hall debates sunk to an even lower level last week when a wheelchair-bound woman was shouted at while asking a question to Congressman Frank Pallone (D-NJ). The woman in the wheelchair was concerned about being able to afford her property taxes and treat the two incurable auto-immune diseases she has. However, to be fair to the angry mob around her, it was a solid gold, rocket-powered wheelchair.
3. A Florida man who was born with no arms was denied the ability to cash a check at a Bank of America when he could not provide a thumbprint. Steve Valdez did provide two different pieces of valid identification but was still turned away. Valdez was then chased down the street by an angry, torch-wielding Town Hall mob.
4. It was announced today that Diane Sawyer will replace Charlie Gibson as anchor on ABC's World News. "Diane Sawyer is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished," said ABC News President David Westin. "We know she'll bring proven ability and passion to the news every night, including that one night a month when she'll probably be kind of a bitch."
5. Senator Ted Kennedy's death slowed down the movement for overturning the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Most Democrats admit they are too busy to focus on the issue at this time, but analysts believe compromise in the Republican party may make overturning the policy more possible. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, Kennedy's good friend, said today that he has arrived at a legitimate policy compromise. "How about this?" said Hatch. "We'll ask you if you're gay, but when we do, don't sneak your gay penis in our mouth, deal?"
High five.
2. The infamous Town Hall debates sunk to an even lower level last week when a wheelchair-bound woman was shouted at while asking a question to Congressman Frank Pallone (D-NJ). The woman in the wheelchair was concerned about being able to afford her property taxes and treat the two incurable auto-immune diseases she has. However, to be fair to the angry mob around her, it was a solid gold, rocket-powered wheelchair.
3. A Florida man who was born with no arms was denied the ability to cash a check at a Bank of America when he could not provide a thumbprint. Steve Valdez did provide two different pieces of valid identification but was still turned away. Valdez was then chased down the street by an angry, torch-wielding Town Hall mob.
4. It was announced today that Diane Sawyer will replace Charlie Gibson as anchor on ABC's World News. "Diane Sawyer is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished," said ABC News President David Westin. "We know she'll bring proven ability and passion to the news every night, including that one night a month when she'll probably be kind of a bitch."
5. Senator Ted Kennedy's death slowed down the movement for overturning the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Most Democrats admit they are too busy to focus on the issue at this time, but analysts believe compromise in the Republican party may make overturning the policy more possible. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, Kennedy's good friend, said today that he has arrived at a legitimate policy compromise. "How about this?" said Hatch. "We'll ask you if you're gay, but when we do, don't sneak your gay penis in our mouth, deal?"
High five.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Operating Systems & Smooth Operators
1. On Tuesday, Microsoft announced that it would be giving its Windows Mobile a brand new look for the upcoming holiday season. The software maker is scheduled to release the updated edition on October 6th. The update is designed to make the portable operating system even quicker by going directly to a blue crash screen without delay.
2. On a Monday night preseason game against the Texans, Minnesota QB Brett Favre threw a low illegal block at defender Eugene Wilson, causing Wilson to limp off the field. Announcers called the veteran quarterback out on the dirty play and officials slapped him with a 15 yard penalty. After the game Favre apologized and then finally decided he will play for the Packers in the 2008 season.
3. Apple released its Snow Leopard operating system on Friday and users may be surprised to find that it loads with a 32-bit kernel by default even though it is capable of loading a 64-bit kernel and running 64-bit applications. And if you already knew that I may be surprised to find a naked woman in your room.
4. During the taping of a Central Park concert for Good Morning America, singer Whitney Houston's voice cracked repeatedly in her first public performance in years. Houston blamed her cracked voice on an appearance she did Monday for Oprah. Rather than waste your time, I suggest we step away from our desks, look out the window longingly, and remember all the wonderful Whitney Houston crackhead jokes we already know...
5. The New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, the top-selling Bible in North America and the preferred Bible for conservative evangelicals will reportedly undergo a change in its latest edition. "We want a Bible that is accurate, accessible and that speaks to its readers in a language they can understand," says Keith Danby, CEO of Biblica, the Colorado ministry that holds the copyright to the NIV. "For instance," adds Danby, "instead of 'the meek shall inherit the earth,' we're putting the more appropriate 'Obamacare is baby-killing death-paneled socialism.'"
High five.
2. On a Monday night preseason game against the Texans, Minnesota QB Brett Favre threw a low illegal block at defender Eugene Wilson, causing Wilson to limp off the field. Announcers called the veteran quarterback out on the dirty play and officials slapped him with a 15 yard penalty. After the game Favre apologized and then finally decided he will play for the Packers in the 2008 season.
3. Apple released its Snow Leopard operating system on Friday and users may be surprised to find that it loads with a 32-bit kernel by default even though it is capable of loading a 64-bit kernel and running 64-bit applications. And if you already knew that I may be surprised to find a naked woman in your room.
4. During the taping of a Central Park concert for Good Morning America, singer Whitney Houston's voice cracked repeatedly in her first public performance in years. Houston blamed her cracked voice on an appearance she did Monday for Oprah. Rather than waste your time, I suggest we step away from our desks, look out the window longingly, and remember all the wonderful Whitney Houston crackhead jokes we already know...
5. The New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, the top-selling Bible in North America and the preferred Bible for conservative evangelicals will reportedly undergo a change in its latest edition. "We want a Bible that is accurate, accessible and that speaks to its readers in a language they can understand," says Keith Danby, CEO of Biblica, the Colorado ministry that holds the copyright to the NIV. "For instance," adds Danby, "instead of 'the meek shall inherit the earth,' we're putting the more appropriate 'Obamacare is baby-killing death-paneled socialism.'"
High five.
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