Scientology & Beavers

1. A new study shows that drinking too much cola can result in serious problems with vital muscle functions. A pregnant 21 year old woman in the study drank up to 3 liters of cola a day and complained of fatigue, appetite loss and frequent vomiting. Read all about it in the latest issue of Why Am I Puking All The Time?

2. Today, well known producer Phil Spector was sentenced to 19 years in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His hair will serve 20 years.


3. Wikipedia has reportedly banned the Church of Scientology from editing its own Wiki pages in an effort to stop "self-serving edits" that push partisan agendas. Lord Xenu, leader of the Galactic Confederacy, could not be reached for comment.

4. Today in a news conference a health official at the CDC said that the U.S. may have a swine flu vaccination by October. That news conference was directly followed by major media outlets predicting full planet extinction due to swine flu by August.

5. In Scotland, 11 beavers were reintroduced to the wild on Friday after a 400 year gap in their existence. As a country famous for kilts, clearly no joke exists about Scotland and its "beaver gaps."

High five.

Grand Theft Auto & Health Care

1. The scandalous Jon and Kate Gosselin, of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, continue to make headlines with their latest season premiere reaching a record 9.8 million viewers. However, as ratings analysts point out, about 8 million of those viewers are Gosselin children.

2. Critics of Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor are citing her diabetes as a reason to withdraw the nomination, saying her health could be an issue. Medical experts however say, with care, Sotomayor will live a long life and see no reason her Type 1 diabetes should affect her ability to perform the duties of Justice. Now, as for the annual Supreme Court Justice Candy Bar Jamboree, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

3. Major health insurer UnitedHealth Group said Wednesday that it had a number of suggestions regarding the health care industry that could save the U.S. about $540 billion over 10 years. Before the UnitedHealth representative could pull the plan from his briefcase, however, Obama stopped him and said, "I hope this isn't a plan about shooting all old people into space," at which point the UnitedHealth representative quietly packed up and exited.

4. Christian video game company Digital Praise is looking to remake Grand Theft Auto but with a wholesome, Christian spin. CEO Tom Bean believes that after they take out all the swearing, violence, and illegal activity, they should have a game that is still fun and stays true to the Christian faith. So this Christmas look for Digital Praise's new hit game Christian Pong.

5. The Guiness Record holder for "The Most Lawsuits Filed" has filed a lawsuit against the Guiness Book of Records for labeling him as the person with "The Most Lawsuits Filed." In an unrelated story, the same man has recently made the Guiness Book of Records again after becoming the first man ever to be killed by the sheer will of others.

High five.

Sonia Sotomayor & Boatloads Of Money

1. Sonia Sotomayor, President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, is undergoing intense scrutiny from conservatives as confirmation hearings approach. Conservatives are most critical of a statement Sotomayor made in 2002, saying a Latina judge would "more of than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said via his Twitter feed, "White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. Latina woman racist should also withdraw." Most would agree that Gingrich is unqualified to tweet on Latina issues, but Gingrich insists he will always be "Newty from the Block."

2. Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz said Wednesday that she would sell the company's Internet search business to Microsoft, but only for a "boatload of money." The two companies have not reached any agreement or held a meeting, but you can be sure photos of any such meeting will be available on Google.

3. In an interview with Health magazine, actress Brook Shields says that she regrets not having sex at an earlier age than 22, when she lost her virginity. Yeah? Somewhere in America, a Brook Shields high school boyfriend with a promise ring is thinking the exact same thing.

4. On Wednesday, Mexico's Health Ministry told reporters that the country's swine flu death toll has risen to 89. This brings the worldwide total, calculated by various hysteric media outlets, to nearly 80 trillion people.

5. Queen Elizabeth is reportedly "fuming" over not being invited to D-Day commemorations in Normandy, the 65th anniversary of the offensive. France and the U.S. have planned an event, which left Britain feeling snubbed. France and the U.S. tried to defend their actions but Britain would hear nothing of it and a loud fight ensued, after which point the U.S. and France asked for Britain's key to the apartment.

High five.

Nuclear Testing & Nudity Complaints

I took a little break on Memorial Day, so I apologize if you came here Monday looking for something funny. Actually, that apology coupon is good for most days. Anyway, back to work...


1. On Monday, North Korea defied the world community by testing a nuclear device underground. However, experts around the globe are skeptical as to the strength of the bomb, which North Korea insists was a powerful success. When asked if there was an outside expert to verify their results, Kim Jong Il said, "Oh yeah, she loved our results. Who? Oh, you wouldn't know her, she lives in Canada. Don't bother trying to track her down, she just moved there and is probably unlisted."

2. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton surprised Yale grads when she arrived at Monday's commencement to receive an honorary degree. Clinton did not give a commencement address, but she did give each graduate a gift bag of sorts filled with various State Department items. Each graduate received a mug, a pen, and a Guantanamo Bay detainee.

3. Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, are reportedly undergoing severe turmoil in their marriage with rumors of infidelity abound. Both Jon and Kate deny that they've been unfaithful. However, even more shocking is the rumor that one of the Gosselin children is seeing other multiples.

4. Recent studies out of MIT and other institutes are showing that texting may be taking its toll physically and psychology on teens. Researchers find not only a shift in social development, but also increased thumb injuries, some of which are permanent. "This is a trend that parents should be paying attention to," an MIT scientist says. "I mean, whatever happened to healthy, irresponsible teen sex and drug use?"

5. In Vassalboro, Maine, a nudity complaint is calling into question the operation of a local topless donut shop. Police were sent to Grand View Topless Coffee shop to investigate complaints that waitresses were going outside without shirts on. Authorities have identified the person filing complaints as fictional Bewitched character Gladys Kravitz.


High five.

Liberty University & Unsupervised Babies

1. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth was presented with a special gold-plated Nintendo Wii, care of the video game company THQ. The Queen is reported to be a big fan of the Wii system, and in a statement said, "I am overjoyed with this limited edition Wii gaming system, and it's so much better than the gold-plated XBOX360 subscription bill I get from Microsoft each month."

2. A 56 year old babysitter was arrested Wednesday after leaving the infant she was watching in the car to go play video games in a gas station. The infant had reportedly been left in the car for about 25 minutes and police say the windows were rolled down only an inch. However, to be fair to the babysitter, she was playing the hit game Rescue the Unsupervised Baby.

3. Georgia Republican Rep. Paul Broun has put forth a bill that will make 2010 the "Year of the Bible." The bill so far has only 15 co-sponsors, all Republican, but Broun insists this is not a partisan issue. "We want to include all kinds of people in this," says Broun. "Everyone from pasty white God-fearing Christian folks to egg shell white God-fearing Christian folks."

4. A Federal District Court judge is preparing to rule on a case between Hollywood movie companies and RealNetworks Inc., a company whose software allows users to make copies of DVD films. Judge Marilyn Hall Patel isn't ready to rule, but says she will as soon as her new copy of WALL-E ejects.

5. The College Democrats Club at Liberty University, the private college founded by the late Jerry Falwell, has been banned by the institution because they say the group "stands against the conservative Christian school's moral principles." The school's Chancellor Jerry Falwell, Jr. said in an interview, "They're great Christian kids. I hope they'll find a Democratic organization that is pro-life and pro-family so they can become endorsed." The remaining members of the College Democrats Club have already returned to their broken homes and killed themselves.

High five.

Tiny Computers & Flight Attendants

1. Sarah Palin has reportedly chosen a collaborator to assist in writing her memoirs. Lynn Vincent, an editor for Christian conservative World magazine, will gut, clean, and prep the wolf carcasses while Palin works on the book.

2. Marvell Technology Group has developed a computer the size of an electric plug. The computer has no display but it does contain an Ethernet jack, a USB port, and of course tiny, asshole I.T. guys.

3. San Diego Padres pitching ace Jake Peavy has turned down a trade offer with the Chicago White Sox, citing his family as being the main reason, adding that he has nothing but great respect for the White Sox fan base. Analysts, however, say other factors played a role, none more so than Peavy's crippling fear of mullets.

4. President Obama and former VP Dick Cheney both delivered speeches on Thursday covering the issues of terrorism and the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Not surprising, the two men took noticeably different stances, but generally agreed on the need to protect America. President Obama was then driven home to the White House and Dick Cheney drove through a White Castle.

5. An Emirates Airlines' flight attendant was jailed for 18 months after he left a bomb hoax note in the aircraft he was working on. The resulting panic caused London's Gatewick Airport to be temporarily closed. The man was reportedly ashamed and embarrassed when his family and friends discovered he was a flight attendant.

High five.

Bill Clinton & Astronauts

1. A hard drive containing sensitive data from the Clinton administration has reportedly gone missing from the National Archives. Bill Clinton? Hard drive? Sensitive data? Too easy. ... PORN! IT'S PORN! IT'S SO MUCH PORN!

2. On Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh challenged MSNBC to not mention his name on the air for 30 days, claiming that they have built their ratings on his back. The drug rehab nurse then looked at the TV and said, "Mr. Limbaugh, that TV isn't plugged in. Please, take your meds."

3. On Wednesday, shuttle astronauts finished all upkeep and repairs to the aging Hubble telescope. The crew was surprised at the problems that arose during the mission, some of which the astronauts weren't prepared for. The most challenging problem came on the last day when none of the technicians could stop Hubble's VCR from flashing "12:00."

4. A team from Swinburne University of Technology in Australia has created DVD's that can hold 10,000 times the data of a current DVD. Upon hearing the news, the creators of Matthew McConaughey's Failure To Launch say they can now release the extended version with the 5,000 hours of extra footage on one disc as originally planned instead of the 47 disc special edition currently available.

5. What was thought to be a Bob Dylan poem, written by the singer when he was teen, is actually a song by a Canadian singer Hank Snow. The Dylan artifact went on sale at Christie's, but the auction house was informed of the error and quickly clarified the information on the item. "The problem occured in the deciphering stages," a Christie's official said. "I know it sounds crazy, but Dylan's writing just isn't that easy to understand."

High five.

Kim Kardashian & Missing Links

1. On Tuesday the Senate passed a bill placing new restrictions on credit card companies, requiring them to be clearer and less deceiving in the wording of their terms. For instance, when a credit card company is going to financially rape you, they must now specify plunger handle, worn out golf club grip, or the industry standard big, black dildo.

2. Reality TV's Kim Kardashian has released a series of workout videos entitled "Fit Into Your Jeans By Friday." Step 1) Buy jeans that would fit Kim Kardashian's ass. Don't worry, the video includes a belt.

3. Today in New York scientists revealed a 47 million year old skeleton that they say is the missing link in human evolution. Its more human features include opposable thumbs and forward facing eyes. But the most startling similarity is the tiny credit card bill found next the specimen.



4. A Polish man appeared in a London court on Friday after being arrested for hiring a prostitute to take the virginity of his 14 year old son. However, no verdict could be heard over all the high fiving.

5. An 11 year old boy from Utah has set a world record attaching 43 snails to his face for ten seconds. The boy tried multiple times before and says now that he's set this record, he's going to try for others. My guess is longest dating drought.

High five.

James Frey & Mockingbirds

1. Recent reports claim that Oprah Winfrey has apologized to A Million Little Pieces author James Frey. Frey was lambasted on Winfrey's show when it was discovered that portions of his book (part of Oprah's book club) were fabricated. When asked to confirm whether or not she actually had apologized, Oprah said, "Yeah, but I totally faked it."

2. Mel Gibson and his girlfriend are reportedly expecting a child, this coming after Gibson and his wife very recently filed for divorce. Gibson already has 7 children with his soon-to-be ex-wife. In a statement released today, Gibson said monotonously, "Yay, Catholicism..."

3. A new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows that mockingbirds can actually tell human beings apart from each other. In controlled experiments the birds reacted in different ways to different people approaching their nests. Mockingbirds, like most birds, are extremely protective of their nests. But scientists say they're no where near as mean as their cousin species the Sexwithyourwifebird.

4. Google CEO Eric Schmidt told a graduating class at the University of Pennsylvania, "Turn off your computer ... turn off your phone and discover all that is human around us." The Google Chairman stressed the importance of unplugging from technology for a a little while. "Nothing beats holding the hand of your grandchild as he walks his first steps," said Schmidt. He added, "And you can't describe the joy attained by presenting that grandchild with his first surgically grafted cyborg attachment."

5. The Pentagon said on Monday that Bible quotes are longer included on the daily intelligence briefings sent to the White House, as was regular practice during the Bush administration. Most in favor of the change is the daily intelligence briefings delivery guy who was tired of having to hand the President the war plans dressed as Jesus.

High five.

Vinnie Jones & Catholics

1. Census data from the Mexican government shows that Mexican migration to the U.S. has dropped 25% from 2008. The declining job availability has played a large part, but analysts say the biggest deterrence was Lou Dobbs getting totally ripped.


2. As the May 17th commencement for Notre Dame graduates approaches, the controversy over President Barack Obama being the keynote speaker grows. Critics say Obama's views on abortion rights and stem cell research are clearly not aligned with the Catholic church. "It is clear that Notre Dame didn't understand what it means to be Catholic when they issued this invitation," said Cardinal Francis George. "Come back to me when he disowns a gay son, can recite no Bible passages, and attends church only to avoid being socially ostracized."

3. A new Gallup Poll shows that 51% of Americans consider themselves to be pro-life. In related news, nearly half of Americans wish they were dead.

4. The Hills star Heidi Montag (now Heidi Pratt) is officially going by just "Heidi," she says, "with the great tradition of stars like Madonna and Cher." And in the tradition of stars like Prince, her husband Spencer Pratt continues to go by the symbol of a stinky, worn out douche bag.

5. British actor and former football player (UK) Vinnie Jones has been acquitted of assault charges stemming from a bar fight in South Dakota on December 4th. The plaintiff Juan Trevino-Barrera said Jones' attack was unprovoked, but Jones insists he acted in self defense. The judge eventually ruled in favor of Jones after seeing that the other guy was not beat to death.

High five.

Google & Virologists

1. On Thursday morning, a variety of Google-run services were temporarily down leading to a torrent of outrage among users. Youtube, Gmail, Blogger, Google Maps (to name a few) all suffered outages of some kind. In a statement, Google apologized and said it would continue to do the absolute best job it could to insure that you will never have to talk to anyone in person ever again.

2. The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) is trying to debunk rumors that the swine flu epidemic was the result of a laboratory accident, as some virologists contest. The W.H.O. entered the lab decorated with police tape and surveyed the scene, chalk outlines only feet away. The W.H.O. then removed its sunglasses slowly, glared hard at the forensic pathologist and said, "This was no accident."


3. The CIA denied former VP Dick Cheney's request for the release of documents which he says show the effectiveness of harsh interrogation methods. The CIA claims they cannot find the documents to which Cheney is referring. Yesterday, the former VP led CIA officials to the basement office where the documents are said to be located. However, horrified CIA officials have gone on record to say that hollowed-out terrorist carcasses written on in an imaginary Cheney language do not constitute as "documents."

4. Video game sales in April were 17% lower this year than in 2008 a market research firm reports. In an unrelated story, a Harvard medical group has released a report today showing that thousands of former video gamers are experiencing a strange bodily phenomenon. The patients are developing a contractile tissue attached to both bones and tendons that allows the body to propel itself either to produce force or to cause motion. More on this story as it occurs.

5. An ivory sculpture found in a German cave could be the oldest sculpture ever, around 35,000 years old as carbon dating shows. Archeologists believe the figure, a large woman with protruding breasts, to be the oldest sculpture of the human form. However, a spokesperson for God released a statement today, saying, "Hello? Grand Tetons?"

High five.

Providence & Chinese Thievery

1. Craigslist has announced plans to monitor adult ads on its site and do away with its "Erotic Services" category altogether. The move came due mostly to political pressure after a 23 year old medical student from Boston used Craigslist to find and kill a masseuse. Oh, I see, so one guy gets caught killing a hooker and now we all have to suffer?

2. North Korea said in a statement today that it would put two U.S. journalists on trial in June after they were arrested for entering the country illegally with "hostile" intent. Their execution is scheduled for tomorrow.

3. The mayor of Providence, Rhode Island says he wants to tax college students that attend Brown University $150 per semester. Mayor David Cicilline says the fee would raise more than $6 million to help shrink the city's $17 million deficit. Because who better to take pressure off taxpayers than nature's wealthiest creature: the college student.

4. A Chinese official was arrested after he stole the exam results from one girl and tried to pass them off as his daughter's so that she would get into college. Allegedly the official stopped the girl on the playground and said, "Gimme your exams." The girl replied, "No, make me, I triple dog dare you." The official then said, "I eat dog, duh; I'm Chinese." The girl then said, "You're stupid." To which the official replied, "If I'm so stupid then why have you had like a million abortions already to maintain population control?" The girl then dropped her exam results and ran off crying as the official gave a bellied laugh.

5. Former Miss USA Shanna Moekler resigned her post as co-executive director of the Miss California USA pageant on Wednesday after the now-controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her crown. Read all about that and an interview with Dick Cheney in the next issue of Oh My God Who Keeps Putting A Microphone In Front Of You People? Monthly.

High five.

Twilight & Toilet Snakes

1. Microsoft's soon-to-be latest operating system (OS) Windows 7 is said to contain a Windows XP mode, for those who prefer the older system. Unfortunately, in order to run XP mode, users will need a more modern CPU that is capable of hardware virtualization. Let me get this straight... Microsoft is releasing an expensive, new OS that will also contain the old OS. In order to run the old OS, however, we need a newer (more expensive) computer to replace the one we have now, which is currently running the old OS? I feel like this is why doves cry.

2. A woman in St. Louis discovered the script to the highly anticipated and highly secretive Twilight sequel sitting in a trash bin. No one is exactly sure how the script ended up being tossed in the trash, but upon hearing the news, the makers of Matthew McConaughey's Ghosts of Girlfriends Past said, "You can do that?"

3. NASA reported Monday that the Martian rover Spirit is stuck in the soft soil on Mars. With the wheels half-buried, NASA will practice with a test rover on Earth to hopefully remedy the situation. However, the Spirit has already sent word back to scientists saying thanks but the rover's unemployed rover friend is already on his way, right after he levels up his World of Warcraft character.

4. A Taiwanese man sitting on a toilet experienced an urban legend-come-true on Monday when a snake came up threw the toilet plumbing and bit his penis. In unrelated news, I no longer poop.

5. With the release of a convicted American journalist from an Iranian prison, experts believe the country's government is perhaps more philosophically split than once thought. Journalist Roxana Saberi had been held in Iran since January after being sentenced to 8 years in prison for spying. Documents released by Iran show that government leaders were unsure how to handle the delicate situation. For instance, some Iranian leaders wanted the journalist stoned to death, while others believed she should prepare a meal for them, bear their children, and then be stoned to death.

High five.

Kobe Bryant & 9/11 Jokes

1. China reported its first case of swine flu on Monday. A 30 year old man flew from St. Louis to Chengdu then fell ill with what was later confirmed as the A (H1N1) virus, or swine flu. On a brighter note, most U.S. swine flu cases are being shipped to China like everything else.

2. The Houston Rockets defeated the L.A. Lakers Sunday in what was arguably Kobe Bryant's worst performance of the series. Bryant went 7 for 17, scored just 15 points, and failed to rape any women.

3. The White House distanced itself from Wanda Sykes after the comedian's act at the Correspondents' Dinner where she joked that Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. "9/11 is not comedy," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "I mean, I personally would choke Limbaugh to death, but let's wait a few years to start making 9/11 jokes. Like with the Holocaust."

4. New York City's Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) approved a plan on Monday to raise subway fares from $2.00 to $2.25. The increase in price is the result of falling revenues due to the economic recession. The MTA says, however, it is trying to change as little as possible. For instance, the peeing hobo dressed in Spiderman pajamas will remain.

5. On Sunday Dick Cheney said he favored Rush Limbaugh's Republican party over Colin Powell's Republican Party. You have to feel bad for Republicans. The choice between a rushed dick and a rushed colon is really no choice at all.

High five.

Japanese Robots & Task Forces

1. A South Beach Miami priest has come under fire recently for photos which show him embracing a woman on the beach. The Archdiocese of Miami has removed Father Alberto Cutie from his duties saying that Cutie dishonored the vows of celibacy he promised to uphold. What do you expect women to do? His job security is thousands of years old, guaranteed no STD's, he probably sounds sexy speaking Latin, he'll go to Hell if he cheats, and his last name is Cutie. Please, I don't need competition like this.

2. A hacker is asking for a $10 million ransom after allegedly obtaining millions of prescription drug records from a Virginia website. Credibility is in question, however, as the hacker claims to have Social Security numbers as well, which officials say the database did not contain. Still, police have considered giving into the hackers demands, just to be safe, and then hopefully catch the thief when someone buys $10 million worth of Lord of the Rings weaponry and hay fever medication.

3. President Obama took some criticism on Thursday when he signed a National Day of Prayer proclamation but opted out of a service at the White House. Critics like Shirley Dobson, Chairwoman for the National Day of Prayer Task Force, were extremely disappointed in the President's decision, saying, "At this time in our nation's history, we would hope our president would recognize more fully the importance of prayer." Dobson then noticed the Task Force "prayer signal" in the clouds, swirled around in her cape and tights, and bounded out the window.


4. A new robot teacher in Japan is wowing students and schools. Saya, the creation of Hiroshi Kobayashi, a Professor at Tokyo University of Science, looks incredibly lifelike and can speak 300 phrases and 700 vocabulary words. Underneath, a system of 18 motors controls Saya's wide range of facial expressions and most students said they completely forgot they were learning from a robot. Critics, however, say that while impressive, the Japanese robot has limited use since it is 300 feet tall.

5. Jeff Kepner, the nation's first double hand transplant, is said to be recovering well, after a nine hour surgery on Monday involving 10 hand surgeons. Kepner, who had lost his hands a decade ago, has been mysteriously quiet, spending hours and hours alone in his room. When reporters knocked on the door to ask questions, Kepner yelled, "Just a minute!" which was followed by the hurried sounds of closing drawers and Kleenex dispensing.

High five.

KFC & Porn Stars

1. Stormy Daniels, a porn star from Louisiana, is challenging the disgraced Senator David Vitter in the state's upcoming Senate race. Vitter, a religious conservative, was one of many men whose name and number were found in the call records of a D.C. Madam. Daniels, whose films include Space Nuts and Taken, says politics is not unlike the porn industry. "In porn I can have sex with maybe two or three people at once, but as a politician I can screw an entire population."

2. The L.A. Dodgers' Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for the use of performance enhancing substances. Reports say Ramirez was using a woman's fertility drug, often associated with steroid use. League officials released a statement saying, "This is just the latest in a bizarre fertility drug trend." The league then added, "But now we can finally put to rest the mystery of Jose Conseco giving birth to a litter of bicep creatures."

3. Chaos ensued at KFC's across the country Wednesday after Oprah Winfrey offered a free KFC meal coupon on her website. Many restaurants ran out of food and had to turn away angry customers. Oprah had a similar incident years ago after offering a car to every member of her audience, only to see a backlash when audience members were required to pay the high income tax on the vehicle. Read all about it in next month's Starvation & Poverty Still Rampant Worldwide Quarterly.

4. Oh Thursday, President Obama presented the details of his $3.6 trillion 2010 budget, and specifically the $17 billion that he eliminated in order to cut spending. When criticized about how tiny $17 billion is compared to the enormous 1,374 page 2010 budget, Obama clicked the roof of his mouth, sighed, and changed to a 10 point Helvetica font.

5. Keifer Sutherland was charged today with headbutting a fashion designer in a nightclub on Tuesday. The fashion designer Jack McCullough says that he sustained a cut to the face after the incident. Still, McCullough is lucky, one investigator says. "We're still sorting out the bodies from a headbutting incident involving Rocky Dennis."


High five.

Hamid Karzai & Sexting

1. President Barack Obama said Wednesday in a meeting with the leaders of Pakistan and Afghanistan that he deeply regrets the civilian Afghan casualties of a military incident earlier this week in the western area of the country. Afghan President Hamid Karzai applauded Obama's condolences and said it was a welcomed change to George W. Bush's celebratory fist pump.

2. With the new Star Trek movie on its way to theaters, scientists are once again hypothesizing on the likelihood of warp drive technology, or faster-than-light space travel, previously thought impossible as shown by Einstein. But what if, scientists say, you could move space-time itself, rather than attempt to travel through it? If space-time could move faster than light during the Big Bang, as is believed, could that phenomenon somehow be harness? And should scientists finally discover space-time travel, how long before they crack the fabled "girl's vagina matrix"?

3. New campaigns are starting all over the country to stop an act known as "sexting," or sexual relations had via the exchange of explicit text messages or photos. Authorities are warning teens that "sexting" can damage your future, possibly tainting your image or even costing you a job. Experts say that "sexting" started small, with just the good looking kids doing it, but has since exploded with the iPhone's new "Beer Goggles" app.

4. Amazon revealed its new Kindle DX on Wednesday, a new version of the popular device that is 250% larger than its predecessor. Critics say the DX doesn't offer enough to justify the higher asking price of $489 -- no color graphics or video capability. Amazon, however, insists it has plenty of cool features that make it worth while, including a built-in PDF reader, content from three leading newspapers, and a hunk of silly putty.

5. New York's Guernsey's auction house is preparing the auction of a private collection of torture devices, including an executioner's sword, a tongue-tearer, and a rack for stretching bodies. No word yet on how much the devices will fetch, but the more important question: what will Dick Cheney do with that empty room?

High five.

Brett Favre & New Faces

1. A new study reveals that the French spend more time eating and sleeping than any of the world's wealthier nations, with the United States and Spain following closely after. What people sleep the least? ... TERRORISTS!

2. On Tuesday, the woman who underwent the first successful face transplant in the US revealed her new look. Connie Culp's face was terribly disfigured when her husband fired a shotgun at her in 2004. The news conference went without a hitch, until a faceless woman in the crowd yelled, "My god, does my nose really look like that?"

3. A California couple blew the whistle on their daughter's high school cheerleading coach when they discovered she once posed for Playboy Online. The parents immediately told the principal, but not before visiting a nearby preschool where they killed Santa in front of the children.

4. It was reported Tuesday that Brett Favre will be meeting with the Vikings' head coach about a possible comeback with Minnesota, after retiring two years in a row. The Vikings have already started printing up "We'll Miss You, Brett!" tee shirts.

5. Scientists in London today revealed a race car tht runs on the "waste from chocolate factories." The car's body and steering wheel are made from plant fibers while the seat is built from soybean oil foam. In unrelated news, it's been learned that 12 Oompa Loompas have now gone missing.

High five.

David Hasselhoff & Androids

1. Google is being sued by Illinois software developer Erich Sprecht who claims the corporate giant stole the name Android for its new mobile phone operating system. Sprecht's company "Android Data" was granted a trademark patent in 2002, but the trademark was suspended after Google argued that Sprecht's company had been dissolved for 4 years. Sprecht believes Google "stole first and asked questions later," but Google disagrees, and now he is dead.

2. Warren Buffett, Berkshire Hathaway Inc. chairman and one of the richest men in the world, blamed bankers and insurers for "greed" regarding the bank industry collapse. Once again, that's Warren Buffet... worth nearly $37 billion... calling people greedy. In other news, Michael Vick is reported to be "really annoyed" by those people who dress their pets.

3. A 2 year old British toddler has become the youngest member of the exclusive high-IQ organization Mensa, clocking an IQ of 156. The parents have already begun prepping their daughter for her future schooling by introducing her to more complicated books, a tougher curriculum, and dumpster-proof jumpers.

4. On Saturday, the horse Mine That Bird, a 50-1 shot, won the 135th annual Kentucky Derby. The horse, however, did not fare well in the Glue & Crafts portion of the Derby.


5. David Hasselhoff was hospitalized on Saturday due to poisoning, after the actor was found unconscious on the floor by his daughter and smelled of alcohol. Hasselhoff's reps insist the actor succumb to alcohol poisoning, but doctors believe that Hasselhoff may have simply ingested too much painted-on abs.

Tony Bennett & Genetics

1. Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced that he will retire this summer, leaving President Obama open for his first Supreme Court nomination. Many analysts believe Obama is likely to pick a woman, and regardless of which woman, one thing can be sure, Clarence Thomas will have a pubic hair ready and waiting.

2. The Chicago Bulls beat the Boston Celtics in triple overtime in game 6 of what many believe to be one of the most thrilling playoff series in NBA history. Boston fans became drunk and rioted in the streets until realizing their team actually lost. The rioting continued.

3. A new study led by a University of Pennsylvania geneticist reveals that Africa is more genetically diverse than the rest of the world combined. Upon hearing the news, the Grand Dragon/Wizard/Skeletor of the KKK said, "See the White race is the pure race! They probably don't even know all their relatives, while I can easily recall all mine, as well as the children fathered with them."

4. An AP study shows that CEO pay fell about 7% in 2008, making the average CEO pay package $7.6 million. On an even sadder note, reports have surfaced that CEO's are now settling for coked-out sluts rather than their usual luxurious, designer drug whores.

5. Tony Bennett was in New Orleans this week to hand out nearly $100,000 is jazz instruments to students from a charter school founded post-Hurricane Katrina. Bennett eventually laid out each instrument one by one onto a table. However, he was at first confused with the situation until an assistant leaned in and whispered, "No, sir, not your penis."

High five.