Dick Cheney's Secret & Lasers

1. On Sunday, a Kansas abortion doctor was shot to death in his church by a 51 year old abortion foe, proving once again just how much anti-abortion extremists love life.

2. The world's strongest laser was unveiled at the National Ignition Facility in California this weekend. The operation is made up of 192 separate beams which all converge at a single point the size of a pencil eraser. And yet, scientists say, though the laser is powerful, the shame of your Chinese character/tribal design hybrid tattoo will remain until you die.

3. Today at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), Microsoft revealed a highly anticipated motion sensing device that allows gamers to play games without the need for a physical controller. A Microsoft E3 spokesperson said excitedly, "Gamers will be able to reach out and physically interact with things they never could interact with in the real world; things like dragons, fighter jets, and boobs."

4. On Monday, a federal judge rejected the U.S. government's request to keep secret the unclassified evidence that justifies the imprisonment of 100 Guantanamo Bay prisoners. This is a major victory for detainee lawyers who say the government should not be allowed to imprison people with secret evidence. One government official said the ruling is unfortunate since now many sensitive secrets will be revealed, like the secret to disabling Dick Cheney's half cyborg, half griffin heart.

5. Jerusalem police spokesperson Shmuel Ben-Ruby says a Jewish man is being held today after killing a Palestinian man in an attack this morning. The motive for the killing is so far unclear... but I'm sure we can all dig deep down into our vast knowledge of the universe and venture a tiny guess.

High five.