MLB Draft & Slim Jims

1. At a fundraiser for the Republican House and Senate committees, keynote speaker Newt Gingrich fired harsh criticism at Obama, saying the president's economic policy has "already failed." In other news, scientists may get their first glimpse at the birth of a star as they've identified a region in space containing a concentration of superheated gas. Oh, wait... I'm sorry, that's still the Gingrich speech.

2. Twenty people were taken to the hospital Tuesday after an explosion in a North Carolina Slim Jim factory. Police won't say if foul play is involved, but they have put out an arrest warrant for Macho Man Randy Savage.

3. A new study shows that the HIV rate among teenage South Africans has dropped significantly, justifying the huge efforts made to curb the epidemic. When asked what largely accounted for the reduction, South African leaders said, "Oh, just some traditional African remedies. You know, guns, violence, civil unrest."

4. More and more Americans are being sent to the emergency room thanks to their computers, a new study says. Large numbers of people are tripping over cords, dropping monitors on their toes and banging heads in and around their PCs. Commenting on the surge of patients, one doctor said, "All the more reason to wear protective eye wear when you masturbate."

5. San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg was chosen no. 1 in the 2009 Major League Baseball Draft by the Washingtion Nationals, a lock for the first pick by all accounts. Slight confusion, however, during the 31st pick when the Chicago Cubs selected a box of hankies.

High five.