Satan & The Hills

1. Spencer Pratt is reportedly upset with The Hills co-star Audrina Patridge after she said she would never do the show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, which Pratt had joined. Pratt responded saying, "Just because you have a one night stand with a guy who's in a movie called Star Trek doesn't make you a star." Yeah, Audrina. Like Spencer, you have to do other stuff, like... whatever it is in the future he does to warrant the attention he gets now.

2. Kim Jong-il has apparently named his youngest son Kim Jong-un as the successor to his leadership in North Korea. Very little is known about Kim Jong-un, with even the year of his birth being a mystery. One thing is certain, however, he will be bat-shit insane.

3. An Ohio man was executed on Wednesday after being convicted of burning a woman alive. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan considered the punishment then whispered to a demonic associate, "I have a golf game with God in fifteen, you can't think of this one yourselves?"

4. With Obama's appointment of New York Republican Rep. John M. McHugh as Secretary of the Army, the number of Republican representatives in the state is shrinking. Some critics say Obama is purposely appointing Republicans to weaken the party in Congress. Obama insists that he's just appointing the most qualified people he can, which will reportedly continue next week when he appoints New York House Republican Chris Lee as Secretary of White House Board Games.

5. Jon & Kate Plus 8 continues to draw huge audiences while critics maintain that the show exploits the children for ratings. TLC, however, denies any kind of ratings push. In a press release today, the cable network said, "We at TLC vigorously deny and condemn any kind of child exploitation. We care about the wealthfare of these children. Does one of them have superpowers??? Tune in next week and find out!"

High five.