Bryce Harper & Afgan Weddings

1. U.S. software company Solid Oak Software is making claims that a Chinese company ripped off its software code to make Green Dam, an anti-pornography program the Chinese government recently ordered all new PCs to carry. Solid Oak says the program contains dated 2004 news that's unlikely to have been added by the Chinese. Looking at the code, a Chinese government spokesperson said, "That's absurd, we Chinese really enjoy... uh, seeing the Boston Red Sox win the World Series in base of ball."

2. Iranians took to the streets this weekend to protest after a historic vote for president was marred by allegations of fraud and rigging. Critics say the speed at which they counted 40 million hand written paper ballots -- hours -- is suspicious. However, upon hearing the news, Chicago mayor Richard Daley said, "Try counting with votes from dead people, too!"

3. Taliban fighters attacked a group of musicians at an Afgan wedding over the weekend, shaving their heads and tying them to trees. Analysts suspect it's because the Taliban once banned music, calling it un-Islamic, but in a statement released today, the Taliban fighters said, "Is Brown-Eyed Girl, like, the first song every wedding band learns???"

4. Sixteen year old high school baseball sensation Bryce Harper, refered to by some as the "Chosen One," has decided to quit high school, obtain his GED, and attend a community college in the fall, leading many to believe that he will enter the 2010 MLB Draft. While extremely talented, some experts say that by not attending a traditional college, Harper will miss out on a first rate education, important social developments, and the chance to not have to play with his own balls.

5. Dick Cheney is upset over comments made by CIA Director Leon Panetta. Panetta reportedly told the New Yorker he thinks Cheney is crossing his fingers for another attack on America. Cheney told Fox News, "I hope my old friend Leon was misquoted." Panetta clarified today saying, "I would never say anything like that about Mr. Cheney without also including fat ass."

High five.