Billy Mays & Mind-Reading Wheelchairs

1. Billy Mays, renowned television pitchman who brought you products such as Mighty Putty and OxiClean, has passed away at the age of 50. Mays' funeral is open to the public, but call to make reservations. Call within the next 10 minutes and you'll be invited to a second funeral of your choice, absolutely free.

2. An autopsy for TV pitchman Billy Mays is scheduled as details of his death remain a mystery. Coroners performing the autopsy say it will likely take a number of weeks but that it would be much longer if not for Billy Mays' new "Autops-EZ!"

3. Iraqis celebrated with fireworks today as American troops handed over security to Iraqi forces. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki declared a national holiday and June 30 as "National Sovereignty Day." 500,000 people were killed in the celebration.

4. Authorities say a recent photo of Kim Jong Il may be recycled from an earlier appearance, leading many to believe his health is worsening. Furthermore, experts say Kim's hair may have been recycled from a much younger photograph of the dictator, leading many to believe that his toupee has been dead for some time.

5. Using Mattel toy technology, Toyota has developed a mind-reading wheelchair that moves according to the user's will. Testing of the product however was unsuccessful as most users attempted to will the scientists to fix their disabled legs.

High five.