Megyn Kelly & Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed

1. Police discovered earlier this week that James Von Brunn, the White supremacist who shot up the U.S. Holocaust museum, maintained a collection of child pornography on his computer. This just in: James Von Brunn apparently also masturbates with the blubber of baby seals.

2. Republican Senator John Ensign, the congressman who recently came forward to admit to an extramarital affair was reportedly forced to do so by the husband of his mistress. The husband wrote Fox News' Megyn Kelly asking her to investigate the Senator's bad behavior. Kelly responded promptly to the letter saying, "Thank you, fine American. This Republican's inappropriate affair does call into question Obama's leadership."

3. Frank Lloyd Wright's famous Ennis House is being sold for $15 million, according to Christie's. Christie's says so far it's received a lot of offers, but all sexual.

4. The inventor of the Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed died on Wednesday at the age of 92. His wake will be held at St. Luke's funeral home in Fort Pierce, FL from 3:00PM to 3:15PM, but may be extended with exact change.

5. Microsoft announced today that it will be providing consumers with free anti-virus software, and reviews of the product show it to be extremely effective. You install the program onto a computer running Windows, and then anytime you turn the computer on the program will immediately call an Apple store and place an order.

High five.